Pointless?

I’ve been thinking.  If I want a job the odds will be against me.  Think about it this way.  I need experience and if I can’t find a job how will I gain some experience?  It defeats the person.  I wish things were easier for me.  I hate working with somebody else to help me obtain a job, but I need someone fighting for me.  It appears I can’t sufficiently fend for myself for interviews.  How pathetic is that?  I just want to find easily without being considered retarded or something else.  I want to be more independent when it comes to that.  Finding a job is the most important thing for me and it should be.  I feel like a parasite.  Leeching off of the government because of my lackluster shortcomings.  Wish me luck I guess.  I’m going to need it.  

Time to Spread My Wings

It may seem difficult for me to achieve on my own, but I can make this transition pretty much on my own.  It’s a bit scary, but I have to take charge over my life.  At least what remsins of one.  My spirit reminds me of a Phoenix in ways.  No matter how badly I put myself down I always pick myself back up again.  So I am stronger than I admit to be.  My independence is admirable to me.  I put myself through a lot the past decade and here I still stand.  Nothing can get in my way now.  I refuse to budge.  Why?  I have to rebuild my life.  Even if it frightens me.  It’s time to pick myself up once more and make myself happy again.  That is if I was ever truly happy to begin with.  I can’t keep cutting and overdosing and live a productive life.  I also have to learn from mistakes for the first time.  Is that possible?  Yes!  I’m more intelligent than I admit myself to be.

This Isn’t Living

I’m tired of being so lonely, but with this current situation I find myself in there’s nothing I can do about it.  I’m in crisis housing and can’t leave the fucking place.  It’s unfair and I need some damn freedom!  That’s asking for too much.  Sorry about this complaining, but I have an unwanted surgery today and I’m forced to go with someone I can’t stand.

Gotta Look Up

Even though I have some difficulties and awkwardness my struggles aren’t as bad as this woman with cerebral palsy.  She deals with it better than I would.  I’m a weak person that gives up easily.  Yes, I’m typing one handed on my laptop to blog, but that’s nothing.  I’m a lazy son of a bitch who blows things out of whack.  I’ll shut up now and post a video of Charisse.

As my current theme I’ll say what I’m listening to.  Chiodos’ Devil.

I Don’t Matter to a Single Soul

I don’t know what to do.  I want to be happy and carefree, but I have too many worries.  Things would be a tad better if I had someone to talk to.  I feel completely isolated and I hate it.  I’m a good person, but something’s not right.  I’m left on my own with barely any skills to get by.  Why am I even still here?  It’s confusing for me.

Listening to what got me into music.  Who is it?  Flyleaf’s debut way back in 2006.  Time sure does fly.

Worst Decision I’ve Ever Made?

So I agreed to be in intense treatment in 2014 and that backfired completely.  If I didn’t agree to it I’d have a he’ll of a lot more freedom than I do right now.  They fucked my life up.  Now I have no rights at all and it’s unfair.  I don’t get anyone else involved with my life so why the protection?  I don’t need it.  I can take care of myself.  No one believes me though and that’s a serious problem, but I’m powerless to do anything about it.  At least now.  Just one question.  How do I Regain my freedom because I desperately need it?

Listening To: All Shall Perish-  This Is Where It Ends

Stupid Mistake

I fractured my right hand in 3 different places on New Year’s Eve and I can’t type right now.  I get surgery on the 21st and I’m nervous.  This is my first break and my first surgery.  The worst part is that I’ll have to be in a cast for about 3 months.  It’s in a splint right now and showering is a minor pain, but I’ll deal with it.  This is what I deserve for punching a wall as hard as I did.  I didn’t know I could punch that hard.  I have to prevent myself from doing that in the future.

Sharing More Than I Should

I don’t know how to explain my behavior.  I refuse to help myself and maybe I should just take a break from this blog.  I have no one to talk to about things and I’m using this a tool somehow.  I need to remember that I don’t want to trigger anyone because I don’t want anyone else doing this.  All I know is that this is a never-ending cycle that has to end before I do something.  The fear is gone now and the fact that I cut myself as badly as I did around family means that cutting is more important than trust.  I think my mom knows and know she refuses to look at me.  I think everyone knows now and maybe that would be for the best.  I’m tired and I’m just going to lay down for the night.  Even though it’s not even 8:00 I don’t want to cause myself any more problems.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  If I did then I wouldn’t let things build up to this point where I don’t give a fuck who knows what I do or not.  I’m not going to read any comments either because I’m too nervous too.  I know I have one I have yet to read and I don’t want to know who sent it or what the subject is.  Sorry if I upset anyone, but I should call someone.  It kind of soaked through the bandage and even though it’s not wet it’s obvious it soaked through.  I don’t have a phone right now and I can’t use someone’s.  I know someone lives close by, but I can’t bother me him.  He might tell someone anyways and I don’t want that.

Tired, But That’s Not Enough

I need to sleep.  I’m leaving in 9 hours and I don’t want to be up all night.  If I’m up all night then I’ll likely waste my night on YouTube.  The sad thing is that I deserve this because of a couple of night ago.  It’s times like this when I wish I had something to help me sleep.  I’m a little tired, but that’s not enough to work with to fall asleep.  This is frustrating.  I’m just work through this and hope I get at least 3 hours.  I won’t get that unfortunately.  I can’t get anything over the counter either because it’s almost 1:00 in the morning and no store is open.  At least nearby.  Taking a hot shower is out of the question too which is the worst.  I fucked up the plumbing pretty bad last year by self-harming (too complicated!) and since I started doing that the plumbing has not been working properly about a week after starting.  I know I’m responsible too!  I cause problems for everyone and maybe I need to start cooperating with people.  What I’m doing is not skillful and to be honest I love feeling like this.  I feel like I was 5 years ago and the only difference is that I don’t want anyone I know finding out.  With Thursday coming up I can do it the way I want to and that should bring some much needed relief.  Being alone for the weekend is a little stressful, but I could use the silence.  Just one more thing.  Yes, I’m only leaving for the day to avoid people.  I’m going to leave whatever is necessary here in a easy to find place so I’d be somewhat compliant.  I don’t want anyone to know where I’m going later this morning because I don’t know where I’d be.  I’m going to get my picture taken in the morning and do a long walk home.  I could take the bus, but it’s not winter so it’s not necessary.  If it’s going to rain then that would be different.  It better be sunny and maybe I’ll see some businesses hiring.  I just don’t look forward to today because I hate how I look right now and that picture will be stuck with me for 4 years.  You need a Michigan id card though so I have to get one as soon as possible.

I Can’t Change Him

I need to socialize more.  If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in.  I think I need actual human contact though.  I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once.  I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there.  It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there.  I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to.  I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here.  I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  I do wish I had some kind of musical ability.  Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway.  I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over.  I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter.  I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him.  I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him.  The same could be said for my dad.  I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable.  I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not.  I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change.  They’re going to want to change first.  I guess the same could be said the same thing about me.  I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually.  I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable.  That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself.  I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.