Even though I have some difficulties and awkwardness my struggles aren’t as bad as this woman with cerebral palsy. She deals with it better than I would. I’m a weak person that gives up easily. Yes, I’m typing one handed on my laptop to blog, but that’s nothing. I’m a lazy son of a bitch who blows things out of whack. I’ll shut up now and post a video of Charisse.
As my current theme I’ll say what I’m listening to. Chiodos’ Devil.
My roommate has personal lubricant. That’s a little odd for me, but I cant be that shocked about it. To be honest I used some today. That was a mistake that I won’t make again. I don’t feel comfortable talking about this subject because of how private I am, but I’m bored and need to mix things up a bit. I might also start doing reviews which will be extremely difficult because of how stupid I am I also shouldn’t put myself down, but I’m just being truthful.
Listening to all 3 Periphery albums and I forgot how much I enjoyed them in the past.
It appears I’m diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don’t think I’m that extreme though. I just think I have no confidence. I know those are two different things. I know I have to get out and make a life for myself, but approaching other people is difficult for me. I really don’t do much of anything and I still can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted over the past 13 years. After graduating I totally shut down and it got really bad in 2006. I can’t live in the past though because I may have a long life ahead of me. It’s not too late to change anything because I’m in my early thirties.
My favorite song of the moment. I think this may be one of my favorite deathcore songs ever. I don’t know why I like the sound of this song though. I think it just flows well with me.
I’m just not thinking this through properly. I left that place because I wasn’t going to be hospitalized eventually and I left to a place with barely any stability. I have my freedom, but at what cost? I hate hearing people argue. When I think about this decision to return was I thinking that things would be different? How stupid could I be? The fear of being forced to do something against my will is driving this. That’s why I have to pursue something I shouldn’t do. That’s looking for housing. I want to be on my own and I’ll accept whatever happens. I want to think about things so I can move forward. I should be working on other things first, but I need to feel at least some level of comfort.
I don’t like being around other people that force their views upon you unwillingly. That’s the main reason why I refuse to comment on some things. Not that my views should have any effect on anyone anyways. The thing is that some Christians like to talk about the bible to you and you just nod along and pretend you know what they’re talking about. When I was at the afc house the person that owned the place told me I was a Mark 3. When he said that to me a couple of months ago I was curious to know what he meant by that and I couldn’t figure it out. I was just thinking about that and I did some more searching and I finally know what he meant. It’s cute of him to assume I knew what he was talking about since he knew I’m an Atheist. I know that no 2 people are exactly the same which is why I’m comfortable being around other people who think differently than me. I just don’t like being told what to do and the fact that I can only eat what I want to eat made things even more complicated. I wish I wasn’t such a picky eater, but that’s something I just can’t work on. The fact that I was living off of what I was in all the proof I need. I need to think about what I want out of life so I can live more independently. I guess that’s why I have to distance myself from all safe situations. If I get comfortable then I get stubborn. When I get stubborn I make stupid decisions. The fact that I was up all night which means a slow day ahead just pisses me off. I can’t deal with that. I just do not look forward to being up 24 hours. I’m just going to lay down and listen to some music.
I need to follow through with plans for once. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. and I’m too wide awake and anxious to sleep. I think I’ll just go somewhere and get something to eat. The only problem is that there are no stores open at this time so I’ll have to walk to a gas station. The problem with that is that the food there really isn’t something I should be eating before I get ready to sleep. I have to prioritize for once. Which means doing my shopping when it’s the correct time. Waiting for stores to close before doing food shopping isn’t using common sense. I have to do something in the morning, but with the way tonight’s shaping up that won’t be possible. I can’t sleep when I feel like this. I’m going to lay down and listen to music until I fall asleep. I just wish I contributed to something which is the main thing that’s causing my stress. There’s an Italian restaurant that’s looking for a dishwashing and I’m heading there this afternoon. I’d feel more comfortable going in person because I feel like I’d have a better shot in person. I just hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot which has been a recurring theme for me. I need to prepare myself for all the possible questions because you won’t get hired if you struggle with answering some questions. Especially if you’re doing with customers which obviously wouldn’t be the case with a dishwashing position.
When I get a job what will the next step be? I don’t really have any interests so the only benefit of having a job will being productive and earning a living at least somewhat. I know the importance of contributing to society because everyone feels that I’ll turn out exactly like my uncle who did end up killing himself last October. It doesn’t have an impact on me because of how feel about him, but it did have an impact on other people’s perception on me because they don’t want to see me go down that road. I don’t blame them in a way. I can’t be around other people until I change some things and even then I’ll still feel like an embarrassment. I have to distance myself from everyone because I have to live for myself and stop trying to please everyone else. I worry too much about how someone else sees me and I realize that. I want to be more independent. I know living here is a mistake and I should seriously consider looking for some kind of roommate, but I don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to get caught up in someone’s trouble. I don’t feel comfortable because of my sister’s boyfriend. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like the way he views other people. I don’t understand much because it feels like everyone’s arguing with someone. I’m on the receiving end of a lot of it. My father can’t stand me, but the feeling is mutual now. That is the only person I can truly hate. I’ve tried to open up to him, but I’m tired of getting put down by him. I bet he was happy I didn’t go to his mom’s funeral. I bet they all were. I would call my grandpa, but what’s the point in doing that? I know how he feels and he’s usually busy. Everyone has a life of their own. What do I have? Nothing, but I’m the only one to blame for that. I slacked off as a child and I’m continuing that as an adult and I use adult loosely. I’m self-centered and needy which really is not a great combination. I expect everyone to drop what they’re doing to attend to my own selfish needs and that has to stop. I’ll start by doing what needs to be done. Build a life worth living. It’s that simple. I can’t expect this kind of treatment for too much longer because everyone will run out of patience. I know I’d get upset if I saw someone that acted like I do. That’s the main reason why I avoid people as much as I do.
I’m tired of this. I wish I knew what I’m doing because I’m tired of disrespecting everyone. I’m scared of what I’m doing because it’s just going to make life more difficult for me. I’m confused and I’m tired of not knowing how to grow up and act like someone that’s independent and successful. I’m not a great person to be around and I need to think about what I want out of everyday life. I’m a little cautious of not amounting to anything and maybe I have to force myself to do something that will get me out of my comfort zone. The sad thing is that I can’t tell anyone about this because I know what to expect. I’m questioning everything and rightfully so. I can’t face anyone because of how ashamed I am. Being ashamed is a huge part of what makes me me. I’m sleepy and bored. I have to call a court after 5:00 to see if I have to do something that maybe I shouldn’t be doing. It’s nothing bad though and it is really something I’m willing to try because I never witnessed something like that before.
One Day At a Time 