One Glaring Weakness I Have to Fix

It appears I’m diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder.  I don’t think I’m that extreme though.  I just think I have no confidence.  I know those are two different things.  I know I have to get out and make a life for myself, but approaching other people is difficult for me.  I really don’t do much of anything and I still can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted over the past 13 years.  After graduating I totally shut down and it got really bad in 2006.  I can’t live in the past though because I may have a long life ahead of me.  It’s not too late to change anything because I’m in my early thirties.

My favorite song of the moment.  I think this may be one of my favorite deathcore songs ever.  I don’t know why I like the sound of this song though.  I think it just flows well with me.

I Can’t Change Him

I need to socialize more.  If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in.  I think I need actual human contact though.  I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once.  I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there.  It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there.  I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to.  I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here.  I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  I do wish I had some kind of musical ability.  Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway.  I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over.  I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter.  I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him.  I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him.  The same could be said for my dad.  I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable.  I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not.  I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change.  They’re going to want to change first.  I guess the same could be said the same thing about me.  I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually.  I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable.  That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself.  I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.