Doing Whatever It Takes to Stay Out of Trouble

Since I ditched my appointment Wednesday someone showed yesterday afternoon.  So now they are going to do surprise visits just to make sure I don’t get away with things?  Why do I always lie?  When the person who runs this asked me if I cut myself in this house I said no (a lie) and if I had weapons in this (also a lie).  I enjoy lying to save my skin and I know how selfish that is, but I’m willing to do whatever it takes to stay out of trouble.  I won’t get in over my head with this.  I don’t feel guilty about doing this I’m just wondering if I should start being honest with everyone?  I also lied at the hospital because I was forced to.  I hate this so damn much.

Never Going to Give It Up

It’s a sad feeling that everyone has given on you.  I’m having a difficult time and I’m being forced to do things against my will.  I have to put up with a 1 year court from Kalamazoo County Mental Health, I have to put up with a adult foster care home I have no intention of staying in, and I have to put up with a case management agency that I don’t trust or respect.  Everyone knows that I won’t give up cutting and I guess that’s why I’m back at the same place.  I got so upset on the 24th that I stormed out of the house and self-harmed pretty badly outside in the public.  I want to do the same thing, but in the house instead?  What’s the worst that can happen?  Get kicked out of a place I have no intention of staying in?  I want to get kicked out badly and I have no intention of being here when someone shows up tomorrow.  Fuck everyone and everything right now.  I think it’s funny that I’m free to walk out and buy some blades tomorrow.  Who’s going to stop me?  That’s what I find hilarious.  It’s also sad that I have no feeling in my left arm.  I got stiches on the 24th and told the doctor not to use any pain medication because I told him not to.  He actually listened to me, but kept it on standby just in case I needed and of course I didn’t even feel the stitches.  Is that bad and is it bad that I want to cut my right arm just so I can feel again?  I don’t know, but I’m tempted to more than anything.  I’m committed to a life of self-harm and strangely I’m okay with that.

I Can’t Change Him

I need to socialize more.  If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in.  I think I need actual human contact though.  I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once.  I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there.  It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there.  I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to.  I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here.  I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  I do wish I had some kind of musical ability.  Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway.  I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over.  I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter.  I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him.  I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him.  The same could be said for my dad.  I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable.  I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not.  I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change.  They’re going to want to change first.  I guess the same could be said the same thing about me.  I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually.  I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable.  That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself.  I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.