I need to avoid all social media sites because I have no right to speak my mind. Everything I post on Facebook goes completely ignored, but someone can post the most idiotic thing and gets input. I asked if I could see a high school book, but everyone is too good for a retarded bastard like me. I’m tired of not being liked by anyone. I feel completely alone and deactivated my Facebook for good this time. I’m just pissed for not mattering to at least one other person.
Category: sadness
Never Going to Give It Up
It’s a sad feeling that everyone has given on you. I’m having a difficult time and I’m being forced to do things against my will. I have to put up with a 1 year court from Kalamazoo County Mental Health, I have to put up with a adult foster care home I have no intention of staying in, and I have to put up with a case management agency that I don’t trust or respect. Everyone knows that I won’t give up cutting and I guess that’s why I’m back at the same place. I got so upset on the 24th that I stormed out of the house and self-harmed pretty badly outside in the public. I want to do the same thing, but in the house instead? What’s the worst that can happen? Get kicked out of a place I have no intention of staying in? I want to get kicked out badly and I have no intention of being here when someone shows up tomorrow. Fuck everyone and everything right now. I think it’s funny that I’m free to walk out and buy some blades tomorrow. Who’s going to stop me? That’s what I find hilarious. It’s also sad that I have no feeling in my left arm. I got stiches on the 24th and told the doctor not to use any pain medication because I told him not to. He actually listened to me, but kept it on standby just in case I needed and of course I didn’t even feel the stitches. Is that bad and is it bad that I want to cut my right arm just so I can feel again? I don’t know, but I’m tempted to more than anything. I’m committed to a life of self-harm and strangely I’m okay with that.
Feel Like Running Away
I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m still at my mom’s because my brother has still yet to get a damn pizza. I don’t want to return to be honest. I have to though. I feel like crying because I don’t think this is fair at all. I want to get a job as soon as possible and run far away. I don’t want to rely on anyone anymore. How can I get this done? I should just buy some blades and cut there. Intentionally getting caught. I have my old meds with me and I wonder what will happen if I take them all? I don’t know, but I won’t do it because it wouldn’t do anything to me anyways. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon and I’m tempted to blow that off. I don’t have anything better to do, but fuck them! I’m doing what I’ve been doing for nearly two weeks now. What’s that? Listen to Old Souls by Make Them Suffer. I still can’t get over with how amazing that album is. It never ceases to amaze me by how epic that album is.
One Day At a Time 