I have no idea on how much of this I can take. Living here is stressing me out and I just want to return to Kalamazoo. I miss it there so much! Why you ask? It’s familiar to me and I won’t feel as alone there. Especially with family around me. I know I can’t rely on them as much as I have in the past. I’m an adult so it’s time to act like one for a change. It’s a little scary because can I rely on myself? I wish. I’m not completely worthless though. I wish I knew what’s best for me. Maybe I can think about that today.
I’ve come to realize that I’m incapable of actually living on my own. Oh, and since I can’t trust strangers and I’m very awkward socially a roommate is also out of the question. That leaves family or even a friend from my past. Will one of them be willing to take me in? If someone doesn’t then family will be my last and only option. I can’t return to my sister’s and I can’t think of anyone else. Why does one of the most important things have to be the most difficult decision? It’s frustrating to be honest. Why? I’m missing out on so much by chasing after death. More than I want. It’s sad when you think about how much of life I’m missing out on by cutting and these little stays. Maybe it’s time to think about my future? It’s not too late!
I haven’t been this angry in a while. I felt like shoving someone from behind. What is happening to me? Is this even new? Maybe it’s time to take a time out. I can feel my heart racing every time I enter that building. It’s stressing me out. I hate feeling like this. I want to be carefree and happy, but that’s not possible now. Maybe in a while. I’m not a violent person. Why do I have these urges now? Is it because I’ve been refusing my meds? Are meds even necessary for me? I don’t know now. I can definitely see something when I take them. Maybe I shouldn’t skip them anymore. Maybe I’ll get through this phase without lunging at someone or maybe not. Who really knows now. Sigh! Who am I? Do I even want to know? Maybe a nice sleep will soothe this or at least lay down and listen to some good tunes. Music is still important. One of the most important activities still that are pleasurable.
I deserve no sympathy. Why? I had this coming. I show no respect and it’s all my fault about wearing out welcome after welcome. I’m dead and it’s sad that there’s no saving anybody as far gone as I am. Maybe I can start showing respect? Or maybe not? I can’t just change overnight. Despite wishes from other people. Especially to the ones I hurt. I’m selfish. It’s that simple. Should I start treating others with more respect or should I say fuck it and make irreparable? I’m already down on that road with someone who works here. It’s strange how I have become to just single her out out of nowhere. She didn’t do anything so why am I so damn mean spirited? That’s why you have to show respect to receive respect. I realize that so don’t tell me anything I already know. I can’t just apologize either. No matter how much I want to. It’s strange to be honest. Maybe there’s some underlying issue? One that hasn’t been resolved yet. I’m a mean and terrible person though and that will never change without initiative.
I know how much everyone hates me. I wear out my welcome everywhere. It doesn’t matter where I go. Sigh. It’s kind of sad when I think about it. Will I ever be accepted anywhere or is this all life here has to offer? Maybe it’s true. I’m a joke who has to be the butt of every joke imaginable. It’s kind of sad this has to happen everywhere I go. There’s just one question remaining. Will I ever fit in or is my life meaningless? I know deep down nobody in their right mind cares for me and who’s to blame for that one? That’s right! Deep down it comes to me. I’m at fault for everything and it’s impossible to love me because I love no one in return. It’s impossible for me to truly care for anyone. At least I know I’m at fault and I’m not in denial. I’m nothing special and I wish I could start cutting again. Anything to relieve this stress I’m under. At least that helps. It may not be exactly healthy, but I have to do what I feel is best. Deep down I hate myself more than anyone can hate me. Self-harm is set in my mind with no way to act on these urges is unbearable to me. Oh how much I miss doing what I want where I want. It is all still set in my mind and I know I’m still capable of picking up where I left off. Is it worth it though? If I’m still alive at the end then yes. Otherwise death is calling and it’s getting so damn loud! I wish I could cave here, but then I wouldn’t get anywhere. I’d be stuck in this shithole longer and why would I want that? It’s terrible here and I know now how huge of a mistake it was to come here. What can I do about that? I can’t turn back time and if I could I’d cross that line. I had the opportunity to kill myself and failing at that set me back. More than I’m willing to admit.
I might even exist. Everyone else treats it as such. I’m tired of being ignored. What can I do about that though? I should’ve known coming here would become a mistake. Just another one to add to the list. A rather long one at that. Sigh. If I had one friend I’d be happy. I hate feeling lonely. What to do. I’m fed up with this type of treatment. Maybe it’s about damn time I show I can’t be continuously stepped upon. How can I do that? I can’t be an angry person. No matter how hard I try.
Freedom. I’ve been wanting that for a while now and when I get another shot at it I can’t blow it. I realize the consequences of my actions now. If I don’t quit hurting myself then I’ll just end up at places I have no desire to be at. That’s the sad truth and I want to be happy again. Not too happy though. Maybe going out more and socializing’s the key? It couldn’t hurt to break out of my comfort zone. I’m a good person to be around and I have a pretty decent sense of humor. I also have to find a job that I’ll enjoy. I don’t want a job that I’ll feel miserable at. Why? I don’t know. It’s time to get better!