I lost blood and now I’m pissed off at myself for cutting the wrong spot. I lost a fair amount of blood, but I’m stable physically so there’s nothing anyone can do. I’m tired of dealing with everyone and I really just want to be left the hell alone before I snap. I love to do that to myself and it’s something that’s not going away any time soon. I’m in a hospital, but I’m good to go.
I wonder how long it will take for someone to notice how weak I am. I cut last night and I lost a fair amount of blood. I won’t do the same tonight so at least there’s that. If I do it again it will be extremely obvious. I already lost some color in my lips and I’m scared of the consequences.
I feel disgusted with myself. I went to my sister’s for a very selfish reason. I have x-acto knife blades in my possession and it’s only guaranteed that I’ll use them eventually. I am one pathetic individual. I’m tempting myself with something that could disrupt my freedom and maybe it would be for the best if I never visit or attempt to live there again. I’ll be tempted wherever I go though and that’s the scary thing. Maybe everyone as sick and pathetic as I should just end their fucking life because I truly feel this is never-ending and it’s sad to admit. I’m not worthy of a damn thing.
I love the smell of blood. Especially my own. I did do some half ass attempt at self-harm yesterday and I wish I had the guts to cause real harm to myself. I’m a coward though and that will not change any time soon. The blood is soaking through my bandage a bit and I have orders to not remove it or get the wound wet. Puncture wounds are not going to get the hob done.
I’m abandoning this blog and will delete it soon. This isn’t doing anything good for me and I sound like a broken record. All I do on this is complain. I had some plans on music reviews, but that will never appear thankfully. Since this is my last post please tell me whether I’m wrong or not. I’m all ears.
The Royals and the Mets. Not the matchup I was looking for. I’d rather see the Blue Jays, but they might get swept. Just like the Cubs. Even though I didn’t watch a playoff game yet I’m still following. I wish I could play baseball, but I don’t have the skill anymore. I have to watch out for my right wrist anyway. Don’t want to break that thing or knock it more out of place than it already is. I’m sad.
How Can anyone help me when I’m always pushing everyone away? I just don’t know what I want anyone to do with me. I’m content with giving up hope and letting everyone make my decisions for me. I’ll just be as weak as I have always been, but this is pushing it to a whole new level. I’m listening to Make Them Suffer and Old Souls is a concept album where a man kills himself because he had no other options. That’s going to be me soon.