My Christmas Wish

What do I want for Christmas?  Everyone in my family getting along with each other and to have everybody stop taking advantage of my mother.  She can only do so much with the limited resources she has.  I wish I was around more.  Even though I think she doesn’t want that.  Do I blame her?  She views me differently than my siblings.  Like I don’t matter.  It hurts, but I can’t hold that against her.  I know I have to be more independent and stop forcing myself onto others.  That’s why I have to live on my own despite me not being ready to be so.  It’s terrifying about what I’ll do on my own.  Will I be safe?  Does that even matter?

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Acceptance

I remember what I was told by my therapist at the time.  Wear short sleeved shirts to accept what I’ve done to them.  That’s not really my problem though.  Why?  I have already done that.  I cover up to prevent others from questioning me about what happened.  As if that wasn’t obvious enough just by looking.  That’s why I cover up like I do and why I despise warm weather.  This is a great time to go out and do things because I won’t be on the receiving end of unwanted glances about me wearing a long sleeve shirt.  I just want everyone to stop being so angry towards for making my mistakes.  Given another opportunity I would’ve done things differently.  I can’t change the past unfortunately, but I can change the future.

My Pokemon X Team Struggle

I have a goal for my Pokemon X game.  Complete the Kalos Dex?  No way!  At least not right now.  I’m talking about the Battle Maison.  I want to buy all the TMs, but I’m having a rough time doing so with my weak defense like team.  I fail to get complete the triple battles because of Grimer.  Swalot also gives me a rough time.  What’s with it and poison types that cripple my team?  I know my Florges has been a victim so has my Chesnaught.  I have Avalugg, but that can’t take a Flamethrower if its life depended on it.  So here’s my Battle Maison team and why they fail consistently.  Are you ready!  I go by strength rather than use strategy.  Something that I rarely do on videogames.

  1. Chesnaught
  2. Greninja
  3. Heliolisk
  4. Florges
  5. Avalugg
  6. Goodra

So there you have it!  Tremble at the sight of my brutal yet fragile team.  Good bye for now!

Why Continue?

Another self-harm post.  I have been tested lately, but every time I’ve had urges to harm myself I refused to participate in that kind of behavior.  In a way I should feel proud.  I also realize how much trouble I can get myself in if I do end up cutting.  The risks are not worth the benefits.  That is if there are any benefits to willingly harm yourself.  I’m stronger than I was in the past.  If this was me a year or two ago then I’d give in to the temptation.  Now though I’m stronger.  Strength that has given the opportunity to live independently one day.  Something I desperately desire.

I’m Tired of It

A brand new day and you know what that means.  Another meaningless post!  Well, actually I’m just waiting for someone to come so I can take a short power nap.  My Celexa makes me a little drowsy so I’ll take a nap a bit after I take it.  I think that’s a solid plan.  There’s no flaws on my part.  I need to do more.  Like what you ask?!  Let me mention this for instance. As for last night for example.  I had self-harm urges and I successfully fell asleep without me acting on that said urge.  Yes, I know I should feel pride.  There’s just one flaw.  I didn’t have anything to cut with!  If I had razors on me how safe would I be?  The question of the day I suppose.  Good day for now!

I’m Lost

Sitting and unable to sleep.  I’m sleepy, but I can t fall asleep.  I wish I knew why.  I guess I’m just stressed from certain problems in my life currently.  I’m struggling with certain things with no outlet to release some tension .  That’s what cutting did for me.  In a way I should feel happy to attempt to put that particular behavior behind me.  That won’t negate the urges completely however.  I won’t give in though because I refuse to get myself into some trouble.  I have developed a nice little habit of stressing about things beyond my control.  Things that I wish I could resolve soley on me.  I hate asking for help and my trust issues prevent me from connecting to others.  Think about this matter in particular.  I have people check on me twice s day and I  neglect to mention some struggled I’m having some of the time.  I’m stuck and I have to solve my problems in an independent way.  Something I’m particularly not excelled in.  Will I pass this thought process I know all too well or will I succum to my urges and fuck my life up?  I’ll end up messing up anyways eventually.  I just need some time.