Music. We need hobby I still enjoy. Listening to music relaxes me more than anything I can think of. On top of that I needed something to take over videogames. Then there’s also baseball. Something that also interests me. It’s not as entertaining as music to me so I usually put a game on and listen to music and casually glance at the television from time to time. It’s finally spring and now hopefully it won’t be too cold for the players. Now I know that I need to interact with other people more than I do. I am not an idiot. I just pretend that I’m one. For some reason I don’t understand. How? I feel like a social reject. I never bloomed. How sad is that? That is not something I can use as an excuse for anything. It’s my life and I have to take responsibility for all of my shortcomings.
I have a goal. What is that? It’s to leave the house at least once per day to adjust to more freedom. I have to do this to move forward. I started yesterday and I’ll do this until I feel comfortable and more confident. I have to lose some weight. That can wait, but I want to lose my belly faster than it will actually happen. It’s frustrating. I allowed myself to get this out of shape so I have to pay for it. It may be a tad bit of a hassle to lose the weight so I can feel more confident. I will tell you this at least. I would rather be slightly overweight than be too skinny. I remember my 100 lb. days and look at me now! Roughly around 170. Then there’s my hair. I’d feel comfortable getting a haircut, but I keep putting that off. Hopefully with this new outlook I may actually get it done now. Other than that everything’s fine. My mood has been steadily improving and I have to keep it up. It’s my life so I have to take charge. It won’t be easy and I may make a mistake or two. That’s why I’ll prepare for setbacks and behave correctly on getting through them. I’m only getting older and I’m not as young as I once was so I have to make adjustments to my life or I’ll be at be at risk of not making progress and be a lowlife until there’s no turning back.
I’m worried. Not really about something bad, but something that’s not good either. Then what is it? It’s about my father. He may show up Sunday and that makes me feel uneasy. I don’t hate the man despite my uneasiness. I’m just worried that I may be on the receiving end of his criticism. I don’t match his expectations and it feels like nothing I can do can change that. How sad is that? I miss him because he’s my father and I missed out on being there when I should have been. So we’re both to blame.
I know the majority prefers to live a long life. I’m in the minority and I have an important teason to. Want to know? Well, we’ll die eventually. Wouldn’t you rather die when you want to instead of when you don’t? I know I have a habit of focusing on that very excuse when I think about death, but doesn’t that show how important it is to me? Yes, life may get better, but it may also get worse just as quickly. You’re not a fortune teller. Wouldn’t it be nice to have insight? With that who knows how different this life would be. That’s it for now.
A couple of years ago I was active. I had a job and I got out of the house a lot more. I was also cutting. Now I’m not saying I need to start cutting the frustration away because I don’t want to go back to that behavior. Why? For one I wouldn’t be able to hide it. If I do start cutting myself again I want to keep it a secret. That kind of scares me though. If I do it too deep then I kind of fucked myself over and I don’t want to do it for suicidal purposes. I want to give myself a shot. A shot at a future. That’s why I need a new job and find ways to not give in to my cutting urges. Can I do it or will I crash and burn? I’m not a fortune teller so I’m as blind as the rest of all of you.
I’m tired of this type of treatment. It feels like I don’t belong anywhere. That’s not it though. I have no one to talk to when I feel low. How sad is that? You’d think that would be different? It’s not and that’s tiresome. I want to feel accepted by someone. Is that too difficult to ask for? Perhaps it is. I’ve never do e anything to warrant this type of treatment and that’s what pisses me off the most. Then again I’m powerless to do anything against it. Why? It’s time to accept the fact that I have no friends and I’ll never have any. It’s one thing to say you’re my friend, but it’s entirely different for someone to act like it.
I think about that from time to time. It feels In trapped in a body I don’t want to be in. On top of that there’s my lack of confidence about my appearance and how I neglected myself. I fucked up and I’m solely the person to blame. I can’t continue to blame others for my lack of success. Why? I need to be held accountable. I’m taking medicine and they feel ineffective. I know medication is not everything. Therapy and some other things are also key to recovery. It’s when you feel lonely and angry at yourself is when you know that there’s a more significant problem than you realized before. I’m tired of isolation, but I’m left with no other choice. I’m unlikable. It’s that simple.