So I’m still in Grand Rapids, but I’m open to going to some adult foster foster homes owned by Beacon throughout the lower peninsula of Michigan. I just want to get out of this locked facility as soon as possible. I would also like to apologize for all of the self-harm pictures in the past. It was uncalled for and I sincerely hope I didn’t trigger anyone or encouraged other people to try it. Self-harm is serious. Too many people are doing it now and I guess I’m still a part of that. I guess I want to develop an infection in my arm because I’m still a moron who thinks that self-harm will bring me anything positive. Oh my fucking god! What a great month it has become so far.
That woman beater is being treated with so much respect. I for one don’t understand it and I doubt I ever will as long as I’m here or he’s here. I want to kick his ass so damn much, but by doing so it will just harm me. It will leave a message, but it will harm as well. Is it worth it? The answer is rather obvious. I also wouldn’t even be here right now if it wasn’t for me failing the test in December. I’d be gone by now, but he’d still be here free to harm anyone randomly. So I don’t really know what’s better and I doubt I ever will. I just wish I wasn’t the only person here holding him accountable for his actions. This needs to stop and they don’t do it I will!
My caseworker from Kalamazoo is stopping by today and I have to plead my case. I have to return to Kalamazoo. I don’t fear for my safeta33 y, but his. I want to kick his ass now and I want him to know that I will not tolerate that kind of behavior like everyone else does constantly. I witnessed my mom get beaten by my dad and step dad and I can’t accept that here. I will get him to stop if no one else does.
So there’s this resident here who likes to attack female residents and staff. Staff doesn’t hold him accountable and I’m the only resident holding him accountable. Why is that? He’s a danger to the women that work and live here. They need to send him to the Kalamazoo Psychiatric Hospital so he can get the help he desperately needs. The thing is that all the victims forgive him. He’s a fucking woman beater and nobody cares but me. This cycle needs to end or I will end it myself. The punishment will be worth it.
If these people aren’t going to show me any form respect then why don’t they just release me so I can die? It makes no sense! They’re not willing to work with me to improve upon myself and then expect to be just cured without any effort. Why do I have to make all of the effort on everything that involves me? I could use some assistance along the journal, but like I said earlier. My life means nothing. Nothing anyone can say will change that feeling. I’m getting so far gone at this point I have to do something positive. I’m capable of showing compassion and not rubbing another person’s face in their mistakes. I’m not perfect obviously, but then again who’s flawless?
I’ve been doing some thinking. I came very close to bleeding out once only to survive by standing up. I remember all of the details of me stumbling down the hallway and me sweating, but I survived it. How was that possible? Was that a mistake? If I sat there longer would I have died? I don’t know why I obsess over death. I can’t act on these urges anymore. I guess I still kind of am looking for an opportunity. I can’t just self-harm with any random pointy object or any type of object for that matter. I also had been interrupted in the process of cutting several times only to get caught in the act. I know what you’re going to say. If you hate getting caught then do it where no one can see you? Been there done that. It just doesn’t matter. I can’t get the job done! Sigh! Maybe I’ll just put these thoughts and obsessing and curiosity about death on hold. After a while I’ll get released and have freedom again. What I do with that freedom is what I’m concerned about. If I continue failing then I’ll have to stop because I don’t like environments such as this. It’s hell.
People always talk about giving a voice to the voiceless. What about the people that all of society tosses aside? What about us misfits who don’t belong anywhere? Who will look out for us? The fucking government does shit and we’re too weak to actually do everything on our own. I’m just disappointed how it’s acceptable for us outcasts to get tossed aside and nobody gives a shit or cares about it. That needs to change, but as long we continue to hate ourselves we won’t be able to do a damn thing about it! How sad is that? Then again if someone showed they cared then we wouldn’t be as bad as are. We need to be loved as much as anyone else. Just some pointless rambling to end another disappointing day.