I may be returning to Kalamazoo soon. I’m excited and nervous at the same time. I love the thought of eating what I want and when I want to eat it. I also need to remind myself of everything that will potentially stress me out. Which is mainly my mother and my older sister’s boyfriend. It’s a shame that it took this long for me to be released. I guess that’s just something that I’m responsible for. I fucked up too many times to be calling myself responsible. Why? I’ve been close to leaving a couple of times and I’ve blown those opportunities time and time again. Not really by cutting, but I also struck a fellow resident and broke his nose. I did it impulsively because of an illegal room search. There was pizza sauce on the floor and two staff members kept accusing me of cutting. They found no materials in my room and still had some belongings taken away. I know that I won because of how speedy I received my items. I have to be careful. I don’t want to go to jail. That’s why I chose a mental health ward instead of one. Who really knows on what is the best choice. I also have been interacting with an old staff person. One I’ve admitted to that I was attracted to her. She kind of admitted the same thing, but ultimately blocked me for her safety. She unblocked me though, but people still tell me to keep my distance. It’s nothing against her for me. Feelings are feelings. I can’t change how I feel about someone. No matter how much anyone tells me I should or if I feel like it’s not a great option. I’m grown and can make my own decisions whether they’re wise or not. She’s attractive and I let her know that. I hope that I find a girlfriend soon. Why? Loneliness is killing me. Not literally, but emotionally
I’ve been thinking again. I’ve been thinking about who I truly am. There’s been a lot I’ve been wanting to do therapeutically, but there are limitations. I’ve been wanting to try aromatherapy, but that’s impossible at the moment. There is this sensory room here but I have yet to go and I’ve been here for over a year now. Hopefully I won’t be here that much longer. I’ve also been thinking about my role in my family and whether they even want me around. I feel unwanted and that is a main trigger for me. That’s why my depression comes back at this facility. It feels like the staff doesn’t give a shit about me. I know deep down it’s true for the most part. It’s the same for my family. I don’t feel as if I belong. How shameful is that?! They’re meant to make you feel loved and I don’t feel that from them. I know that deep down my mom is uneasy around me. If she can’t visit then she can at least call me. Fuck! She can at least pick up the phone when I call her. That seems to be a trend though. I feel unwelcome in this world and when I feel that way it’s trouble for me. Why? Cutting creeps back in my mind. The pasy two nights I had dreams about self-harm. One was about actual cutting and last night was about me stabbing myself with a pen. Self-harm will be a difficult battle to overcome. Mainly a little bit more than my social anxiety. I’m a shy person. Someone who especially hates myself most of the time. I should learn how to love myself while I’m here. I’m not focusing on that for some reason. Why is that? Maybe I should tell my therapist here that? I know I’ll be shutdown just like the whole aromatherapy thing so why even make an effort? I mean really! I also know I’ll be tempted to self-harm immediately after leaving here. It’s also a blessing that she doesn’t read this blog anymore. Why? I can focus on blogging about questionable content again. Not like before, but in a way I do want someonevI know to read this so they can know me better. I can be understood easily. I’m not complicated. Whether I want to be seen as or not. I know this quite lengthy, but don’t worry! I’ll close it on this. A question I guess. You see deep down I want to feel appreciated. The problem unfortunately is that I don’t feel that way by anybody. I want to see if that will ever happen, but let’s be realistic. That just won’t happen because of how I’m perceived. No one thinks that I’m worth anything and that needs to change so my self-esteem will receive a significant boost. Well, anyways! Peace for now and have an amazing day! Don’t ruin your life like I am because life is precious. Don’t take it for granted because you only have one chance. I fucked up and I realize that. Maybe I should have died. I came close to it several times. Should I finish the job or pick up the pieces and make an effort to rebuild? Choices!
Some residents here get on my nerves. They are either playing with me too much or hang around with me when it’s obvious that I want to be left alone. On top of that there’s this guy here who just complains too much. I don’t want to tell him to stop because then I’ll get loud and that won’t end or look good on me. Its a shame I keep performing acts to keep me here longer. Do I enjoy the safety? Look at it this way why don’t you. If keeping me here is preventing me from hurting myself then isn’t it a good thing? I don’t enjoy being considered an attention seeker by cutting and cutting is one thing, but bleeding is another. Bleeding when I don’t want to is not fun. That’s why I may finally make an effort to end the problem behavior in question. I don’t know how just yet. I want to do it on my own. I know that much. I also want to remind myself that I can do it on my own. Relying on others has been a huge weakness for me. I’m a strong, independent person. At least I aim to be. Except when things don’t blow up in my face that is. Just typing this and looking at my arms is a trigger. Not really the scarring, but how pale I am enables me to view virtually every vein there is. Why is it that they have to be so close to the top of the skin anyway? Since blood is so important you’d think that your veins and arteries would be more difficult to get to. That just is not the case unfortunately. If it wasn’t for that I wouldn’t want to cut and sure that would be the same for everyone else that partakes in this. Well, anyway enough rambling for now. I want to go inside and think to myself and blogging is just preoccupying myself so goodbye for now!
Sometimes I say things to someone I shouldn’t. Mainly gossip. I have to stop doing that, but I don’t have any other interesting thing to say. I also mention things that are supposed to private toi loud and get that person in trouble. That’s not my intention. I just want to say that they’re familiar even though I know deep down I should let it go and not saying anything. Silence is something I should practice. Especially when it’s important for me to do so. Yes, I’m rambling. This is a subject that I don’t have any interesting things to bring up. I’ll practice what I mentioned and hope that will cause some people to not get in trouble. The past is just that and it’s time to let it go. Whether I think it’s time or not.
Whenever I feel stressed I can always rely on music to prevent me from doing the unthinkable. In a way music has saved my life multiple times. I prefer silence, but maybe it is just people in general who annoy me that drives me nuts? I do wish that I had the power in me to rely ony abilities alone, but I’m not strong enough yet. Or likely ever for that matter. It’s also bad enough that I find myself in this type of situation. Pardon this short list, but it’s hot outside and I don’t want to get sunburn again. In the meantime have an amazing day!
I know cutting is wrong, but lately I have been thinking about it. Why? Is it because this place is becoming toxic to me again? I crave for freedom, but it feels like this place is holding me prisoner. I know that by cutting I’ll either end up dead or in another facility such as this. I’m not stupid. Despite what people think I am or not. It’s a shame too. Why? No one sees my potential in anything. They take one look at me and assume I’m something I’m not. Why? Does anyone have any faith in me? Do I have any faith in myself left? Do I have any faith at all? Is me being an Atheist effecting me at all and do I truly feel the same way I did as a youth? I know I’m stronger currently, but that’s not good enough in my eyes. Maybe I should buy a box cutter when I get out of here and do whatever I see fit? It beats living a meaningless life. That is if life has any purpose in the first place. So much fucking potential flushed down the drain. I’m currently listening to Fireworks by one of my favorite bands and music is the one thing makes me feel at ease. The only thing truthfully. By for now!
I’ve been in this shithole for over to long. I’m butting heads with staff and residents and it feels like there’s no end in sight towards this behavior until Im either discharged or people treat me better. I wouldn’t treat anyone the opposite of how they treat me. You disrespect me you can bet that I’ll disrespect you back. I don’t enjoy being that petty. Then again that’s the only way I feel I can get my point across. Giving someone an attitude. Yes, I misdirect it at times and I’m not proud of that. It makes certain people uneasy to communicate with me. Why talk with someone that has difficulty showing respect, dignity, and courtesy? If I am to develop better relationships I have to do the opposite of what I’m currently doing now. Whether I really want to or not. Really it’s time to clean out my Facebook and get rid of these douchebag “friends” I have. They’re not really friends. They’re just people that tormented me in school. Fuck them.