I wish I had a backbone. I let people screw me over because I’m too scared to stand up for myself. The fact that I have no marketable skills in addition to this is really putting me in my place. I tried to say what I had to say yesterday, but I think that by saying I hurt my chances of improving whatever someone’s willing to call this. I’d rather have no job interview than to go to one and fail miserably. I’d rather be ignored than rejected. The same with family. I honestly feel like I have no one on my side. I have a lot on my mind and I don’t know if I’ll manage to get through this intact. I want so much, but I can only do so much. I’m putting myself out there, but no one wants me to work for them. It’s hurtful in a way because I want to take the next step to getting out on my own. This pisses me off badly and I need to keep my composure. I also received a jury duty notice in the mail today. Oh what an exciting time that will be!
I had a job interview today. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I feel like a burden and I feel like just letting everyone how I feel about the situation I’m in. It’s so hard to feel like this because I know I deserve better. It feels like I can’t ask for help because I don’t want anyone looking down on me. I can’t ask for assistance. No matter how much I want to. I’m going somewhere tomorrow because I have to think. I need to get focused on what needs to be done. Getting away from here for the day will just make things worse though because I don’t want to be here. When I leave it’s difficult to come back. I’m unhappy.
This isn’t for me. I’m not happy with the way things are. I don’t want to live here anymore and I hate putting myself through this over and over again. I need to go for a walk. If I had a job then maybe that would ease some of this tension, but that’s just not going to happen for me. It’s unfortunate, but what can I do about it? No one in society wants anything to do with me and I want to be happy. I need a purpose and nothing I can say will change the fact that I don’t have one. I want to disappear only to never be found. That’s pretty much what I’m doing now, but I want to purely seclude myself. I want to just walk away.
I went to the interview this afternoon. When she asked me if I had any questions I should’ve sought my case. I should’ve fought harder, but knowing me I didn’t. I don’t know how I can allow myself to go through this repeatedly. I’m disgusted with myself and the situation I seem to find myself in all to well. It’s obvious that it didn’t go as planned. This always seems to happen to me. I get my hopes up only to get frozen by the questions. I didn’t prepare myself and now I have to search for other options. The bad thing is that Macy’s doesn’t respond to phone calls. They only give out e-mails for some reason. If my g-mail was my main e-mail then I wouldn’t check it every hour for a response. This is not how I plan to live my life and something needs to be done before it’s too late to turn back. Nothing is worth this.
The sooner I get out of here the better, but that won’t be possible until I get a job. Yes. I’m free to leave at any time, but doing that will just hurt more than help. No one wants me to live on my own because of what isolating myself will do. I think that’s why I’m so eager to leave. I miss that feeling and no one understands how important it is for me to experience. A job alone won’t help because I did do it before work. Nobody knows that though and I’ll never tell anyone either. It’s no one’s business. It’s mine alone. I need to stop attempting to please people that want nothing to do with me and do things for myself and myself only. I’m better off alone and that’s why I need tomorrow to go the way I desperately need it to be.
As long as I have something planned for the day something will get done. The fact is that I’m losing confidence in myself and tomorrow’s extremely important for me. I have something to wear at least. I should go to sleep early tonight because I have to prepare myself for the afternoon. I won’t leave until 2 in the afternoon though so I guess that’s not entirely true. It would be nice to go through what I’m going to say because I have a habit of saying the wrong thing at those types of events. I need this more than anything. If tomorrow doesn’t go as planned then I’ll find myself to the point that I’ve been seeing myself for the past few months. I’m paying for my mistakes though. I’ve made a few of those over the past few years and it does feel like I’ve waited too long to do anything with myself. I messed up my life and I’m ready to move forward and take the next step.