I’m moving in with my mom in April. I’m kind of nervous, but I’m not the same person I was two years ago. I’m tired of cutting and I can only be given so many chances. I discovered that once. I can’t keep hurting people and expect them not to respond with the same exact response. That’s why I must teach myself more ways to deal with frustration. I want to apologize to everyone I hurt, but that’s not possible so I must let that go. I need resolve to make myself feel more at ease, but that’s not possible with everyone. Especially to someone in particular. She’s no one special. I admit I did have a crush on her, but that faded. Now there’s somebody else. I didn’t hurt her thankfully so there’s that. Maybe I can care for someone else. It’s a start.
I try not to name names. Why? I want to this blog as anonymous as I can. There’s this woman I like though. I find her attractive despite not being who I’m normally attracted to. The bad thing is that I doubt she feels the same way about me. Does she? There’s only one way to know and did I fail to mention I appear in her dreams from time to time? Does that say something or am I looking too much into it? Maybe I am. Maybe she views me as just a friend? I don’t want to be just friends though. I’m ready to be in a relationship, but with my insecurities make that impossible. Oh well!
There’s a woman I hurt more than words can say. I can’t apologize and anyways she’s right. You can only apologize so many times before it loses its creditibility. She told me so herself. Why did I target her? Was it a crush and I was upset because I had no chance to win her interest or was it how she babied someone who acted out a lot and hurt staff several times? It could be both. I also have to learn how to let things go when there’s no solution to the problem. I hurt her a lot so all I can do is live with the guilt. Thankfully there’s someone else. I didn’t act out on her because I couldn’t. Why? She was different. Timid and innocent. She has a significant flaw and that’s her oblivious personality. I have a crush on her honestly and, of course, I have no chance with her as well. I love her so much! Sorry to a woman who shall remain nameless. I care for you more than words could say. You are my crush and I think about you more than I ever had feelings for. That’s something significant for a cold, loner like me.
So basically I’m locked out of my account on everything but my phone. Because of that if I lose my phone I’ll never have access to my blog permanently. That’s why I may close this blog soon and create a new one. That or just not blog ever again. The truth is that things have been boring lately. Nothing important is happening and I have nothing to journal about. So there it is. A possibility of closing this blog within the next month or perhaps sooner than that. All I can do to save my blog is to try to hack into my WordPress app and change it that way. I may need help on that though as I’m not incredibly knowledgeable about that subject. I may find a way or I may get frustrated and upset at myself for not being to do something I should be able to do. If only I didn’t forget my password and smash my phone. Oh fucking well though. I fucked up and I have to suffer from the consequences
It’s time to learn from my mistakes. I can’t keep making the same mistakes repeatedly and expect myself to learn from. Look at the past 2 years for example. I was in a residential facility for nearly a year and a half and I can’t go back to that kind of place again. Make that a goal of mine. Cutting just brings me problem after problem and why chase a lifestyle I have no desire to live anymore? It’s time to move forward and develop. Something that’s a little scary, but it’s something that has to be done. By developing better coping mechanisms I’ll move forward to what a I want. A more independent lifestyle. I don’t want to be a dependent person. I’ll prove that by not cutting anymore. Something I’m capable of doing. It will take a lot, but it can be done.
I have to make some adjustments. I’m not treating others the way I want to. I’m not even treating myself properly. I have to change or I’ll be alone and bitter like my father. Do I want to live like him? The answer to that question is an astounding yes. I don’t enjoy treating others shitty and I have to learn how to treat others properly even if I have step out of my comfort zone. Something that’s rather small. I can do this! Need any proof? You’re not the only one. I find myself in need of that as well. Wish me luck on this because I’m in need of all of support I can muster.
Whenever I hurt anyone emotionally I feel guilty. I can’t keep apologizing about because then it will lose its genuinity. I have to learn how to prevent myself from hurting others whether it was intentionally or not. How can I do that? By thinking before I act. Even if it’s not severe. I want to change and treat others better. How can I achieve that? By being kind and considerate. Something I must confess fail miserably at. I’m not a strong person when it comes to guilt. That’s when I tend to take it out on myself. Something I have to stop doing as well. Why? I have to prove I can live an independent lifestyle. I may be able to start cutting again once I’m free of these chains. Something that’s not particularly good for me. Then I’ll just complicate things even more. Something I’ll regret down the road.