I got my phone turned back on this morning and it’s something I had to do. My sister’s internet was shut off so I couldn’t really update this that often. I’m using my phone’s data as a mobile hotspot. It’s a temporary fix and I have to be careful because if I exceed 4 gigabytes then it will switch from 4G to 2G. Yes! There is a big difference between the 2. YouTube and whatnot is inoperable with slow internet. I should know. I dealt with that a couple of times. I need to do something to make me happy. Maybe I can finally get over this hurdle? I’ll be tempted to cut, but with the state my arm is in that would not be a good idea.
I had a post on Facebook asking about my smelly arm and that post was deleted. I also had one that was asking why my post got deleted and those fucking pieces of shit deleted that too. I erased 3 groups. The only group I’m active in is some deathcore group. Those are some cool mother fuckers with an odd sense of humor. Who can I talk to when everyone fucking despises you? I know I should focus on doing something good for myself, but I have to feel like at least one person is on my side. The funny thing is that bragging about how deep you cut is encouraged, but asking if you have an infection is against the rules.
I see pictures of happy people and it makes me hate myself more than before. When will I be happy? It hurts just as bad to see or hear people about how their life is. Why brag? I’m just one lazy bastard who needs to man up. When will that happen too? I should just deactivate my Facebook because it’s a sickening thing to see because I hate my life and lost control. I’m listening to Of Mice & Men’s Restoring Force and it beats The Flood, but self-titled though. YDG
I uploaded two videos to YouTube. I recorded the other, but not this one. I want to vlogs so badly, but my voice sounds slightly retarded and I’ll get torn to shreds by keyboard warriors. People try to act tough behind a screen, but are fucking birches otherwise. I may be small, but that doesn’t prevent me from getting personal with people that piss me off. The cutting has made me less fearful over pain and I don’t know if that’s good or bad. I guess it’s up to the reader to decide. I also left an extremely nasty Facebook to someone and I wish he had the balls to respond. He’s a fucking pansy.
So I’m already pissed, but something happened today. I asked if I had an infection on my arm and the post was deleted. If that’s how the moron who runs the handles things then they have no right to be an administrator. It’s annoying because of everything that’s been happening the past couple of days. Who am I allowed to open up to? I can’t rely on anyone and that’s going to effect me. Everything I do is wrong. It’s beginning to feel like everyone hates me. Feeling rejected is not a great feeling to have, but I’ve experiencing it so much that I should get used to it. I’m going to be disconnected for the rest of the day so I have some things to think about.
What do you if you lose your cool and flip out and when everyone can’t stand the sight of you? I went crazy on someone from Interact yesterday because of how upset I was with them and everyone else. I’m stressed to the limit and anything can set me set off. I need to learn how to control this, but why should I? Nobody wants a damp thing to do with me and I guess I’m the one to blame. I despise myself so badly. To hell with everyone.
I’m a selfish person who has no right to happiness. I hate myself so much and I should just walk away tonight. It’s not as if anyone will miss me anyways. I just want to cry because I’m nothing and that won’t change anytime soon. How can anyone put up with someone as retarded as me? I wish I knew what people see when they look at me. Then again maybe I don’t want to know. I’m just going to lay down and think about how hated I am by ever thing and everyone. People like me deserve no sympathy and I wish my arm wasn’t so damn sore.