Have you ever…

Have you felt helpless and useless?  If you have welcome to the club.  I’m tired of people ignoring me and treating me like shit.  Everyone should be away that I do exist!  Even if they choose to not believe it.  I’m also aware that yesterday’s post was out of line.  I was just venting!  Maybe a tad too fat, but it’s notvlikevIm going to go off and kill myself the moment I get out of here.  I have more control than that even if I may be tempted.  I’m stronger than I appear to be.  Don’t believe me?  Just watch!

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Outcasts Like Me Deserve to Die

I hate the staff here.  All they do is treat me like shit and its getting extremely annoying.  I can’t do anything about it though and that pisses me off.  I guess that’s a major reason to look forward to my release from here.  I’m trying not to trash talk that much about the staff and other residents here so I won’t.  The point of this post is to explain how much I’m fed up with people treating me like shit all of the time.  I’m powerless to change anything on my own and no one will help me.  I’m all alone in this battle so I’ll just throw in the towel.  No one understands what I’m going through here.  No one will even understand if I explain it to them so I won’t waste my breath.  Not even my therapist here.  She’ll just think I don’t know what I’m talking about.  In a way I don’t.  Then again in a way I should just tell her to fuck off along with the rest of the staff here.  I’m tired of being all alone everywhere.  I’m an outcast everywhere I go and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  It hurts, but I should be used to it by now.  Everything hurts.  Including upcoming suicide.  Being here is too painful.  I’m not really talking about this place per se, but just being alive.  Everyone I know has turned their back on me.  So I should turn my back on myself.

I Can’t Do This Anymore

I have nothing and I’m Nothing to everyone.  I’m a joke.  That’s what my very existence has turned into.  It’s a shame too.  I had high hopes for today and all that I get out of it is being disrespected.  I wish I knew why everyone has to hate me like they do.  What am I doing wrong?  Am I unlovable?  That seems to be the case.  I want to be treated fairly, but that’s asking for too much.  Why can’t anyone ever show me any form of respect?  Fuck everyone that lives here and there he staff as well.  Being here only shows me that I can only rely on myself.  No one here likes me anyways.  I hate feeling lonely.  Even around others I still feel lonely.  I’m never going to feel better about myself while I’m here.  I’m pissed off because I get treated like shit by everyone.  I never did anything wrong to anyone.  I’m wishing I could get respect.  That’s impossible though.  Everything for me’s impossible.  I’m s failure in everybody’s eyes so therefore I’m a failure in mine.

I’m Nothing Special

I know what and who I am.  That’s why I should just stop reaching out to others.  Whenever I try to communicate I get shot down.  How’s that fair on my part?  Exactly!  It’s not but then again life isn’t always fair.  Just like life always has difficult moments.  Exactly what I’m going through currently.  I feel all alone.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  I’m fed up with life as it is, but then again I need to realize life is what I made it.  My effort as a youth has beared his ugly head and there’s nothing I can do to change that.  My lack of effort made me who I am today.  Just look at my days here.  Sleeping much of the day and not attending groups.  Then there’s the fact that not attending outings may also hurt me a bit.  So as you can see I need to make changes so I can move forward and take the next step.  Whatever that next step may be.  I’ve also learned to let certain things go and be honest with myself.  No more lies!

Why?

With me going back to Kalamazoo soon I have to find a reason why I want to return.  It just feels like there is nothing left for me there.  If I return there I fear something may happen.  It’s out of my control though.  In a way I’m forced to return.  I am unsure if I even want to stay in Grand Rapids.  In a way I feel like I belong nowhere.  Is that the main cause of why I’m feeling the way I do?  I hate being told what’s best for me when I know myself more than anybody else.  That’s what everyone forgets to understand.  It’s unchangeable and I regret letting things get to the point they’re at.

I Have to Love Myself First

I have to love myself before I can love another person.  I’ve learned that a while back, but I never applied that to anything.  Why?  Do I enjoy being alone?  I’m unsure.  I’m unsure of a lot in my life.  Mainly relationship wise.  I know things need to change on that front.  I’m not stupid.  I’ve acted like it lately and I don’t know why.  Could it be because I expect others to solve my problems for me?  Perhaps.  I’m done for now.  Peace out!

I Have No Family

I’m dead to my family and my family is dead to me.  Especially my father.  He’s a horrible person that I am have inherited a lot of my personality from.  That won’t stop me from saying how much of an asshole he is.  I can’t stand that man!  I dare that bastard take his frustration on me because he chose not to see his own children.  It’s his own damn fault!  He’s an adult and it’s about fucking time he acts like one.  Stupid bastard.  I guess I can’t be too hard on him.  I’m just like him.  I just admitted to admit it.