What the fuck was I thinking!? Bragging a damn eviction and how difficult I had things. I had it pretty easy despite my troubles and rebellious behavior. I fought and fought and I lost every time. How sad is that? Bragging about being a loser. That’s wjy this has to end! Either by death or wising up and listen for a change. Something my thick skull fails to grasp. Sigh. Maybe I can still pull this off and fake being whatever anybody wants me to be? A difficult task I’ll hand you that, but it won’t be impossible despite the fact that I may have taken a hit at that with some stupid and angry texts to someone who has no say in anything here. At least venting helps. More than it should.
To be honest cutting and suicide are not proper things to brag about and flaunt. I realize that now. I’m still going to partake in that behavior, but quietly. This is my lifestyle and I can’t allow anyone else to “mimic” me. Notice the parentheses. Maybe I should fake it and get released only to kill myself? In the end that’s my decision and mine alone. How sad isn’t it? A strong individual willing to give in and break. Maybe I’m not as strong-willed as I claim to be? I’m weak to the core and vulnerable. Anything can make me break, but that’s my business and nobody else’s. One of the last updates of this shitty year. 2 in a row at that. Aiming for a third? Hopefully a big fuck no!
Why is it okay for others to single me out and be rude to me, but if I return the favor I’m considered an asshole and everyone avoids me? I’m fed up with everyone acting as if I don’t exist. I’m powerless to do anything about unfortunately. Which is quite sad when I think about it more closely. Maybe I should crank it up a notch and not hold back? I can be extremely rude when I think about it. I hate behaving that way though. Why? Then people avoid me even more so. If that is even more possible that is. Oh the wonders of the mental health system! I guess that’s why I want to abandon treatment as severely as I do. This type of treatment is not beneficial to me at all!
I miss the real me. I know what you’re saying. Why abandon all of the progress I’ve made. It feels like my meds are changing me. Not for the better either. At least from my point of view. I miss how I used to cut. I miss the depression and anxiety from leaving my house. It could also be argued that I haven’t made much progress, but you know what I have to say about that? The medication I’m taking is making a difference. It may be a slight one, but at least there is one. At least one I notice. I also know that cutting off my meds suddenly will cause me to experience withdrawal symptoms. Is that something I want to experience?
It has been almost a year with no freedom. Look at where my actions took me. I complain about it being unfair, but I have brought this all upon myself. I should be pissed off at myself. Not the mental health agencies. I need to make better choices to avoid this and to actually build a decent life for myself. I’m beginning to feel like I must turn my life around for my own sake and for my loved ones as well. My brother is on my side, but who else is? Maybe I can call some people this afternoon and explain myself? Should I send a card or letter to my grandpa? Will he enjoy it and think of me? Do I want him to think of me? Who knows. He is important to me though. Not as much as this woman in Kalamazoo, but close.
So, I guess I don’t trust enough people. This unit is driving me crazy and I don’t know what to do. Any little thing is setting me off. It was nice to get off the unit with my mother for a while, but it was just for about 2 short hours. Coming back onto the unit fucked with my head. Why? It made me get used to freedom. Something that I haven’t experienced much of in the past year. I miss it badly! What will it take for me to re-obtain it? I’m playing by the rules and keeping every negative thought and action to myself. It’s better for me to keep everything inside than to express how I truly feel. Yes, it may mess with my stress level, but maybe I need to. I’m sorry for bringing this up because I know I haven’t posted anything in a while, but I just want to post at least one little update. Maybe I’ll start blogging more as the days go on. Happy December and may the holidays bring some cheer!
Things have been erratic lately. I’m receiving a CT scan tomorrow afternoon and that worries me. Why? I’m unsure about surgery. I don’t want any foreign objects in my body. It’s bad enough I had one in my hand at the beginning of this year. I don’t know why I can’t control my emotions better. Maybe it’s time to make amends. I plan on attending the scan with the staff person I was upset with that day. I want to apologize to her. She should accept it. She might’ve already considering the fact that she accepted my request for her to take me. I’m hoping she follows through. If that happens then I’ll feel let down. Even more so than I do currently.