I’m missing out on so much in life. I have no friends and I never go out and have fun like the normal people do. What am I doing wrong? I already know the answer to that question so don’t bother explaining it to me. It’s unfair, but it is my fault. I’m the only person to blame for the state my life is in. I’m literally destroying my future and for what? I need to figure out ways to combat this in a more healthy way before it’s too late to change anything. I’m not at that point of no return thankfully. Maybe I’m just jealous over how many people go out and enjoy themselves. Do I have that right to be so envious? I don’t know. All I know is that after this I have to make some changes. I have no life. It’s that simple.
That’s what my therapist asked me today. I responded yes and I also realized my fear of being alone. I don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone and I also would not trust a roommate so my options are kind of limited. I just want to get to that carrot aka “freedom” so I can live a life again. This has been quite a long process and it’s not completely my fault. I am admitting partial blame though. Anyone in my situation won’t say they’re innocent. I’m not saying I’m a horrible person either. My self-esteem isn’t that low. I just want the people here to understand me better by trying to be as open and truthful as possible.
Some people may call me a doormat, but that’s not entirely true. If I’m really against something then I’ll speak up. I just spent a half hour working on this whole thought diary worksheet and thinking more assertively is going to be a major challenge for me and I have a feeling modules 4 & 5 will test me a hell of a lot more than module 3. I wish I didn’t have to do these worksheets though. I have to do it to improve myself and get taken more seriously by others. My thoughts do matter! Maybe I should start acting like they do.
I bought a therapy journal so I know what to say to her in our weekly meetings. So far so good. I didn’t really self-harm since I’ve been here and that kind of surprises me. Then again as of yet has pressed my buttons. I’m kind of separating myself from all outside drama and focus on improving me. I get my chance to be selfish for a change. So far I’ve been participating and trying to stay out of my room in the daytime. I’m a little about a lack of reliable internet, but at least I have it. So I can’t really complain that much. I’m also getting a new glasses description on the 19th and I plan on getting Transitions lenses. My 3DS also broke so I ordered a brand new 2DS on Amazon to replace it. Will I adapt to it’s design? I don’t know. I’m also collecting movies now. Mainly horror movies since I can stomach that kind of material now. I used to be such a sissy! Oh what a change cutting has done! I guess that’s kind of an update on this little locked in facility in Grand Rapids. So I guess that’s it for now.
Have you ever felt insignificant? If you have then you know what I’m speaking about. I wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. It feels like I have no rights. That frustrates me so badly. It’s kind of sad because I’ve been doing what’s asked of me. I’ve been going to groups, resisting from self harm, and not mouthing off to anyone. What more do I have to do? Maybe I should just ask someone. I have so many questions, but nobody will give answers.
I’m so distant from my family physically and emotionally. No one has seen me yet and that does rub me the wrong with. I can’t get too upset about it though. Why not? I’m used to it. I could go on, but I don’t want to feel any worse. I actually cried a little which was a surprise. This is really bothering me, but I have no reason to return to a triggering area. I already know what will happen if I return in southwest Michigan. Why would I want to put myself into this or a potentially worse problem? I’m better than that. I’m getting ready for supper and it’s supposed to rain in a little while so this will be my last post of the day.
I feel worse now than I did coming in. This was definitely a mistake coming here. Maybe I should start making wiser decisions. It couldn’t hurt. This is why the health field in general is something I like to avoid. I felt this way when I broke my hand also so it’s not just mental health that makes me feel uneasy. I feel useless. Will I always feel this way? I don’t want to. I found a four leaf clover as a youth and what did it do to me? It did the opposite of what it’s supposedly to do. It’s also too late to pull out now which is also rough on me. I want to live on my own! I deserve that much. What are everyone protecting me from? That’s the question. Attention seeker my ass.