I Love Geeky Women For Some Reason

•July 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

maxresdefault2

I love Gaby Dunn so much.  She’s on a whole bunch of Buzzfeed videos and I think she’s funny and attractive.  I didn’t know she was going to be a Suicide Girl before she ended getting a job at Buzzfeed, but there is a picture of her trying out.  Maybe I should focus on stuff like this because I’m still under a court order until September 14.  Just about 6 weeks left!

Confiscated

•July 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So the ER lost my birth certificate, social security card, and everything else necessary for my identification card.  It’s safe to say I pissed and I just got out of the hospital to find my razors gone from my backpack.  I went to my mom’s though and I found X-Acto blades.  Not my preferred method of cutting, but at least now I have the option since I’m extremely pissed off because it feels like no one gives a damn about.  I feel like an embarrassment to society right now and I’m tired of being treated like shit.  I have an appointment Monday at 1:30 and I doubt that appointment, but it’s something I have to do.  On the bright side my court order has been reduced from a year to the initial 90 days so it ends September 14 of this year.  That means I can put in my 30 day notice at the group home on the 15th of the next month.  I’m happy about that then I can cut to my heart’s content.

•July 20, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I plan on finally getting a new identification card today.  I’m just waiting for my ride to the Secretary of State.  I’m hoping I can get a new one with what I have.  I have 2 pieces of mail, my birth certificate, and my social security card.  I need a new id card to do some things.  Mainly for employment reasons and I need a picture id to get a new bus pass which is something I also really need.  I need to do this before my birthday this year because then it would be a whole lot more difficult to get one.

Just Too Easy

•July 19, 2015 • 1 Comment

I have to get everything back on track, but with my blood count the way it is I’m tempted to drive it lower.  I likely won’t, but there’s still the possibility.  There is one thing that’s making me somewhat happy though.  My right index finger is still a little numb, but it doesn’t hurt that badly when I type.  It also formed a bubble over my fingernail.  I don’t know what caused the bubble.  It was pretty deep though so that is something that likely caused it.  My left arm is still wrapped and I don’t know how long it will be so I have to fight that urge.  What should I think about when I’m tempted to cut?

Have to Live With This

•July 19, 2015 • 1 Comment

There are so many things that I don’t  understand.  It’s also likely that I will never understand some of those.  My blood count has taken a hit so that means I have to walk around feeling light-headed and I only did this to myself.  Even if I could do something about it I likely won’t.  Why?  This is a reminder of why I shouldn’t cut.  What good does it bring me anyways.  I’m so upset with myself and why did I do what I did Friday?  Especially when I promised I wouldn’t leave the house if my urges were high.  I’m a liar and selfish.  I only think of how thing effect me.  Not anyone else.

I Can’t Take These Risks

•July 17, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I’m allowing myself to take unnecessary risks.  I’m hurting everyone just by being around.  Maybe I should go for a walk and find out what this city offers.  I have to wait for that though.  There is no window down here so I don’t know if it’s dark yet or when it’s going to be dark.  I do fear for my arm though.  I kind of fucked it up and why did I do that?  I’m sore and I have to get medical treatment, but I’m scared to.  I’m worried and I don’t want anything bad to happen to my arm.  I deserve to be ridiculed for this though because I’m putting myself into risky situations,  I’m a screw up and I don’t know why I do what I do.

I’m Selfish and It Won’t Stop

•July 17, 2015 • 1 Comment

I shouldn’t be doing this.  I’m getting everyone involved in my problems and that’s selfish of me.  I’m sitting here all alone and I messed up.  I’m a moron for thinking that this type of behavior will get me anywhere positive.  I’m not thinking of my well-being and I don’t know why I keep repeating this same pattern over and over again.  It’s 7:00 right now and I’m not in the right state of mind to go to a store and get something to eat.  I have until 10:00 so I have to prepare myself for that.  I’d hate to know if anyone knows I’m down here like this.  There are children here and I’m cutting in a damn basement.  I’m under a court order and I’m violating that because I hate being told what to do.  Maybe I don’t deserve that right right now and maybe people should tell me how to live.  Heaven knows I’m not capable of doing anything productive with my life.

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 689 other followers