I’m truly confused right now. It’s actually quiet for the first time, but it’s almost bed time. Why is that? Maybe I should also calm down. Over reacting to these situations won’t do me any good. I’m more intelligent than that. Sometimes I do think I’m better than others, but that’s because I don’t throw temper tantrums when things don’t go my way. I’m more reserved than that and it takes a lot of control to not go out and snap. It’s scary to deal with these thoughts of mine and why is it that I always have to not explain them to my therapist here? What am I hiding? Now don’t get me wrong. It’s not as if I’m going to kill someone so at least there’s that. I just wish I could go one day where I don’t feel like harming myself because I think it’s my only release of this stress I deal with on a daily basis. How sad though that I rather die than live here much longer, but it’s almost over with only to begin a new chapter of my amazing life. Hopefully a peaceful and relaxing one. It would be great to get a break from this mayhem that’s my life. It can be a great break. An interlude as to speak since I love music as much as I do.
There’s lyrics to a song that gets to me everytime I listen to it. It’s a song titled I’ve Said Too Much by a very small, unknown band called Renfue. Part of the song is I’m this fragile being with a sugar coated life. Music and writing are my only means of venting my frustration. How sad is this? I doubt anybody reading this will understand what I’m attempting to say. Even if you find yourself on a similar situation. This is a special case. Even for me as well. I’m fed up and it’s time to make everyone who makes me feel miserable feel misery in return. It’s only fair. I’m not too keen on punching a woman, but if I have to punch that fat bitch in the face so be it.
I can’t take that much anymore. I’m tired of feeling stressed out and this facility is making me feel depressed. No one wants to work here because of these two people who have no right to be here. They’re making this stay unbearable for me and a couple of others. I hate crying and feeling uncomfortable with the second shift staff as well. I just want to go home! Livong with my sister is a better alternative and I came close to killing myself there. It’s sad that I’d rather be in that situation than this one. Isn’t it?
I’m tired of living here. It’s the same people that have to act out and cause problems for everyone. It’s irritating to be honest. Why can’t those 3 just grow the fuck up? They have the capability to act like decent adults so why don’t they? It’s confusing to me. It just doesn’t make any sense! Then again when have things ever made sense for me? Do I have any right to talk? With the way yesterday ended for me? I refused my meds and stayed in my room all second shift. Not very adult like to be honest. Maybe it’s time to make some necessary changes? I cant keep going like this! It’s time for me to wise up for the first time in a while. At any cost. I’m not like that man. I have self-control. Whether I want to believe it or not. I dont normally blog about stuff like this and I don’t know why. Maybe it can be a new beginning? Can I be like a beautiful Phoenix? Reborn from the ashes of a past life only to stand and say no more? That should be a new wish and goal. It can be a nice new beginning!
So, she has a birthday coming up. I promised to send a card her way and in return she’ll send one my way as well. I need to make her feel better from the loss of her friend. I can make her feel happy. At least just temporarily. As I was saying earlier though. I can’t control one’s actions. Just my own. What should I say to her? Should I send a letter her way? That would be unexpected. What should the subject be because I’m new to this. I just want her to stop blaming herself for her friend’s suicide so she can move on from this. Is this a good idea?
I realize you can’t blame yourself for someone else’s decisions. You can only do so much and some people are unsavable. I hope that’s not true for this one woman because I want to help her before it’s too late. I don’t her misery to cost her life, but can I do about it? I truly don’t want to find out she killed herself. That’s how important she is to me. I do miss seeing her. I don’t know if that’s going to be possible though. Maybe I should just let my memories of her slowly fade away? Holding onto my past will only hurt me on the long run. It’s not a crush either. She’s just a friend and she realizes that. Maybe I can tell her that she has a lot to live for? Just because she blames herself for some guy’s suicide doesn’t mean she is responsible for his selfish act. Like I said before. Some people’s lives can’t be saved. A sad truth more people need to realize.
There’s this woman that called Angela that I really care about. It hurts me to know how much pain she is in. Why isn’t anyone helping her? Not really psychiatrically, but she’s in desperate need for someone to step in and help her find housing. She’s miserable and her misery makes me feel miserable. I can’t help it. Maybe I should take the time to call her in the morning. Maybe she just needs someone that actually listens to communicate with. I know her struggles because I’ve been there before. It’s a terrible situation to be in. Will she listen to me if I express my feelings for her or will she just brush it off? I hope she understands because I hate knowing how nobody is helping move on. She needs someone on her side for a change.