Just About Done

I’ve tried to deal with the staff.  I tried to deal with the other residents.  I finally tried to deal with this place in general, but I can’t.  It’s too challenging.  I’ve been depressed and furious lately and it seems like these emotions won’t go away anytime soon.  Why are these residents fucking children?!  I mean for real.  I can’t be here much longer because I may say or do something I’ll regret.  When will the opportunity to get out of this shithole exist?  Being here’s damaging more thought process even more so than when I first came here!  That’s what is so frustrating about this whole ordeal.  No one cares or even attempts to notice that about me though.  Whether I want anyone to notice that or it going completely unnoticed.  I wish I had something clever to say about how I’m treated, but I can’t find the words to say so.  I should just think about what I want others to see from me so I can be treated like someone who knows what’s happening.  How?  I can’t win here and I realize that.  It’s a fucking shame too.  I know I can’t really ramble on because complaining accomplishes nothing so I may as well close this on a statement.  I will get out of here and I will a life I seem fit to live.  Whether that’s good or bad all depends on me.  You can wish me luck if you may feel like doing so.  I won’t hold it against you.  I’m sorry for anyone that reads this bitching so sorry.

That’s Not It At All

I may have bee upset at her, but it’s not because I’m like my father or step-father.  It was something else.  It was frustration.  Frustrating that I had feelings for her and I couldn’t express that for a couple of reasons.  Mainly out of respect and realizing what that would have cost her.  She also realized I had feelings for her.  That’s why she mainly worked someplace else.  She thanked me for resolving those issues, but by admitting something else and then blocking me it opened up another unresolved issue.  I wish I wasn’t here anymore.   I maybe want to be in a relationship with her when I’m out of here.  It’s ultimately my decision.  It could be friendship at first and then who knows.  I’m at a loss of words right now and it’s a damn shame too.  I wish I could express my feelings appropriately.  That’s one thing I must work on and that may be what I’ll do my homework on.  I have to prove to myself that I’m capable of loving another person and prove that I’m capable of being in a relationship.  I wish things were in different circumstances.  Maybe I can show my therapist here that I can go  week without getting upset at someone or myself.  I also have to prove that to myself.  I’m more intelligent than I give myself credit for and by reading my blog some people realize that whether that’s good or bad.  Now forgive me.  After what I’m listening to I’ll continue playing Pokemon Moon.  Excited for Ultra Sun and that remake of Metroid II.  I loved that game and I also must get another Wii U game.  I don’t know what to get.  I don’t have many options.

Crushed and Sad

I’m not going to lie.  I don’t feel validated here.  No staff tries to communicate with me in any way.  It seems like every other resident gets staff’s attention and no staff ever says goodbye to me like everyone else.  I hate feeling left out.  I can’t do anything about that because how other people act is out of my hands.  I can voice my displeasure, but that won’t improve anything so why even bother?  Maybe I’m crushed?  Could that be the main cause of me feeling the way I do right now?  I miss Amanda and I wish I was out of here so I can talk with her.  She said she’d show me around so I wouldn’t get lost even though I have someone else to do so.  I’m sorry everyone.  I’m not really in the mood for this right now and I just woke up.  I’m still a little tired and I may lay down again.  I just wanted to voice my opinion on this and get it out of my head since I have no one to talk to about this problem even though I’m supposed to be working on communication and asking for assistance when needed.  Why do something when they’re the cause of my stress?  It makes no sense to me to be honest.

Not Very Happy Right Now

I just received two troubling messages on Facebook.  One I can’t go into detail completely out of respect for myself and the other person involved.  So I had a crush on a mental healthcare worker here and I pushed her away.  I think I did that because I knew it was wrong to have feelings like that for someone in that kind of position and that it could’ve cost her a lot if she had the same feelings in return.  She blocked me on Facebook to protect the both of us and that one day we will meet again.  Who knows if that will be a possibility, but I hope it will be.  With me staying in the area it will help being close to someone so I won’t feel completely alone.  I wish I wasn’t as timid as I am because I’m missing out on a lot of things.  Well, relationship wise anyways.  I’ve had opportunities, but for some boneheaded reason I turned the advances down or blew opportunities.  If I’m going to be in a relationship I have to come out of my shell.

Now onto family news.  My older sister is thinking of moving to the United Kingdom.  It will be weird, but she has to dump her deadbeat boyfriend and think about her three children.  I’ll miss her and I hope she’ll miss all of us.  I won’t be able to visit her because of personal reasons, but i will keep in touch.  Why did I have to find these out today of all days?  It’s reasons like this why I tend to avoid Facebook.  I should figure out why she’s moving, but that’s personal and I don’t want to butt into her business.  It’s also not my place to convince her to stay because she’s an adult.  She may not entirely be a mature and responsible one, but an adult nonetheless.  I’m thinking and planning on talking to her this weekend.  That is if I can get in touch with her.  I hope she doesn’t avoid me now.  I don’t want to be rejected by her as well.  Peace!

I Want Out

Coming here may have been a mistake, but fighting with the staff here’s only prolonging my stay.  If I am to cooperate I will get out of here sooner and go where I feel like is going to be the best fit for me.  If I go to a place I like then there will be less of a chance of a relapse.  Something that some people feel may happen.  Talk about having much faith in me, but that’s a given considering how much I slipped in the past.  I’m not given much of an opportunity to show that I’m serious about moving on.  I also have to show that by not picking at my arm.  Something that’s difficult.  I wish I could show how serious I am, but how can I with people I don’t know and people that judge me without knowing me in person?  It’s unfair and I guess I should just realize that this will just follow me forever.  I may be serious, but nobody will know I am.  Unless I can do that I’m stuck here.  Something I hate to admit, but makes me feel worse.

I Wish I Could Take It

There’s something in the future that I’m looking forward to and it’s something I may not be able to do.  There are plans for me to eat at someone’s house Wednesday, but the morons that work here has the final say on whether I can do that or not.  Talk about frustrating!  I’m thinking about why I decided to come here and why I have delayed me leaving the past year.  I could be on my own right now if it wasn’t for December’s incident.  Not to mention the fact that I’m fighting treatment.  That doesn’t look good either.  What do they want from me?  Besides picking I haven’t cut or anything.  Do they really want to see what I’m capable of doing with limited resources available to me?  Who am I kidding.  I couldn’t harm myself here even if I wanted to.  On top of that someone I wanted to talk to one on one got fired for buying residents at another facility things.  I sent her a Facebook message this morning and shockingly I received a response.  I wasn’t really expecting one and I thought she quit.  I know I shouldn’t have searched Facebook for her profile, but I have to use my own resources available to me since no one’s willing to help me out.  I have to do things my way.  Even if it’s wrong and going against this place’s privacy policy.  I’m not stupid, but the staff here already knows that.  Now I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’ll send her another message and see if I can meet with her wgen I get out of here?  Maybe not now, but in a day or two.  It all depends on if I go Wednesday.  If I can’t should I beg?  Play the sympathy card?  Is that pissible or should I just accept the loss and move onto the next problem?  I should upload a picture of my own, but I don’t know if that’s the right thing to do.  Fuck it!  I will.  Just to see what I’m dealing with.  The damn thing won’t heal even if I leave it alone.  It’s extremely fragile and I can’t rub it or it will break.  That’s how thin the scab is.  I should make it bleed so it will form a thicker scab, but I refuse to sink to that level.  It will also hold me back and I want out of this dump asap!

I

Really Though!

I’ve had enough of the staff here’s treatment towards me.  Why is it that I’m so unlikable?  There must be a significant flaw in my personality.  Maybe that’s why I’m always shutting staff out here.  That seems to always happen.  This pattern will just go on and on until I end it or end my life.  I hate being treated like shit by everyone who works here and I can’t say anything about it.  When I do I seem to get shut out even more.  Where’s the fairness and professionalism in that?  Shouldn’t I be treated similarly?  Maybe not.  I’m sorry for boring everyone with post.  I’m not in a great mood and I was in an even worse one last evening.  I wish I wasn’t here.  By me leaving I’d be extremely happy.  Nobody wants me here anyway and I think everyone hates me.  Not just here, but everywhere.  Maybe I should just shut down again so I can avoid this mess for the time being.  I hate living here and I won’t hesitate to let anyone here realize that.  At times I wish I had a fatal disease so I wouldn’t have to put up with this bullshit.  I know that’s morbid, but it’s how I honestly feel.  Even my own family turned their back on me and that’s how sad my life has become.  I want to sit and cry all day.  That can’t be possible because it’s unproductive and won’t make me look good.  I hate it here. I hate the staff here, and most of all I hate my family for constantly stabbing me in the back.  I hate them now as much as they hate me.  Are they happy now?  I surely hope they are and yes!  My father’s an asshole and deserves jackshit do father’s day.  Fuck you!