So I have a time finally. I’ll be leaving around 9:30 in the morning. I’m still a little nervous, but I’ll manage. I seem to always do that lately. On my way there I’ll think about what I want to get out of the program I’m going to and what I want to do afterwards. I don’t want to be alone, but it can’t be much different than it is in Kalamazoo. Maybe I’ll be happy for once. Who knows what my future holds.
I’m hoping to get out and do some shopping today. It’s schedule for 11:00, but I don’t have much faith that I’ll be doing anything somewhat productive today. It’s a shame as well. Why? I’ve been cooped in this house since January 11 so I earned this outing in a way. If it’s cancelled then I’ll be disappointed. Nothing bad will come out of that disappointed at least. I need to stop hurting myself when things don’t go my way. Is that going to be easy though? Who knows! All I know is that I’m tired of being put down and avoided. I deserve as much dignity and respect as anyone else in the same exact situation.
You know what? Maybe going to that place in Grand Rapids is a mistake and maybe I should’ve succeeded in killing myself. It might be fun and exciting move, but I’m pessimistic about it. I think I have every right to be. How much sense am I making? Is this the right frame of mind? This is a huge move for me so it’s normal to feel like its a mistake. I just hope these thoughts and feelings aren’t true. If they are then it’s a big fat I told you so and if I’m wrong then I’ll admit it. I’m not scared of admitting I’m wrong. I have no shame obviously. Just one question remains. Will this benefit me?
Have you ever felt like you were all alone? I have nobody to talk to when I’m feeling like hurting myself and that needs to change. The problem is finding someone that I’ll trust enough to bring the darker moments of my past and thoughts. That will be challenging and I don’t know if I’ll be up to the task or not. It’s kind of sad that my family has rejected me because I feel like a nuisance to them now. Well, I’ve felt that way for a while now. No one can ever take time for me, but I have to make time for them. How does that make any fucking sense!? I have to give to the point where I just can’t give anymore. It’s draining. That’s one thing about moving further north. Now there’s an actual excuse why no one can see me.
Even though I have said I’ll never start a family it doesn’t mean that I’ll cut off all contact with the outside world. There may be a time where I’ll choose to get into a relationship with a woman, but I already know that my opinions on having children won’t. It may be selfish and make being I’m a relationship pointless, but I get lonely. Just like the majority of all people. What a shame too. I wish I could be completely asocial.
If there’s one thing I hate it’s liars. Especially when it’s so fucking blatant it will impact ones future. I received a behavior analysis booklet and I can’t believe what was said about me. They made it seem like some hothead that destroys other people’s property. I have a conscious and I’m a hell of a lot more stable than certain people make me out to be. I’m filing a complaint because I can’t let them get away with what they’re doing. Why do people have to hate me so harshly? I never did anything to deserve these extreme lies placed upon me? It’s because it’s me and that’s all there is to it.
Yes, the Robin’s hatched. I hold them and they sleep on my hand. I don’t believe what people say about the Risk of doing it. As long as I’m delicate and don’t harm them they’ll be fine.
A Robin nest got attacked. I put it with the Cardinal ones. I hope it hatches. Of I saved the little Robin I’ll be so happy. How will the Cardinals treat the Robins though? Was it a mistake combining the two?