I love Gaby Dunn so much. She’s on a whole bunch of Buzzfeed videos and I think she’s funny and attractive. I didn’t know she was going to be a Suicide Girl before she ended getting a job at Buzzfeed, but there is a picture of her trying out. Maybe I should focus on stuff like this because I’m still under a court order until September 14. Just about 6 weeks left!
I plan on finally getting a new identification card today. I’m just waiting for my ride to the Secretary of State. I’m hoping I can get a new one with what I have. I have 2 pieces of mail, my birth certificate, and my social security card. I need a new id card to do some things. Mainly for employment reasons and I need a picture id to get a new bus pass which is something I also really need. I need to do this before my birthday this year because then it would be a whole lot more difficult to get one.
I have to get everything back on track, but with my blood count the way it is I’m tempted to drive it lower. I likely won’t, but there’s still the possibility. There is one thing that’s making me somewhat happy though. My right index finger is still a little numb, but it doesn’t hurt that badly when I type. It also formed a bubble over my fingernail. I don’t know what caused the bubble. It was pretty deep though so that is something that likely caused it. My left arm is still wrapped and I don’t know how long it will be so I have to fight that urge. What should I think about when I’m tempted to cut?
I’m allowing myself to take unnecessary risks. I’m hurting everyone just by being around. Maybe I should go for a walk and find out what this city offers. I have to wait for that though. There is no window down here so I don’t know if it’s dark yet or when it’s going to be dark. I do fear for my arm though. I kind of fucked it up and why did I do that? I’m sore and I have to get medical treatment, but I’m scared to. I’m worried and I don’t want anything bad to happen to my arm. I deserve to be ridiculed for this though because I’m putting myself into risky situations, I’m a screw up and I don’t know why I do what I do.
I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m getting everyone involved in my problems and that’s selfish of me. I’m sitting here all alone and I messed up. I’m a moron for thinking that this type of behavior will get me anywhere positive. I’m not thinking of my well-being and I don’t know why I keep repeating this same pattern over and over again. It’s 7:00 right now and I’m not in the right state of mind to go to a store and get something to eat. I have until 10:00 so I have to prepare myself for that. I’d hate to know if anyone knows I’m down here like this. There are children here and I’m cutting in a damn basement. I’m under a court order and I’m violating that because I hate being told what to do. Maybe I don’t deserve that right right now and maybe people should tell me how to live. Heaven knows I’m not capable of doing anything productive with my life.