It’s finally Monday. I have nothing to look forward for today though which is a letdown. I have so much on my mind, but I’m forced to think this through on my own. I think that’s for the best though. I’m not a talkative person anyways. I was in the past, but I outgrew that. I used to be able to not shut my mouth, but now they are days that pass where I do not say a single thing. Maybe that’s why my speech has got gradually poorer. The sad thing is that it’s for the best. I have nothing worthwhile to say. That’s the main reason why I cut back on all ways of communicating. This is really all I have and it’s only a matter of time before I do something about it. I’ve had this blog since 2008 and I don’t know how much longer I can maintain without repeating the same thing over and over again. That’s why I guess I should take this new way of thinking kindly. I got tired of being hopeful. I know how sad that is, but I don’t think too kindly of myself. I’m not what I want to be and I lost all hope for a better future. All I can do tonight is lay down and listen to music. I can’t do what I want to do because of the fear of being caught. This is forbidden. Everyone’s worried because of my uncle’s suicide last year and they don’t understand I’m doing this to prevent me from killing myself or hurting someone else. The thought of what happened a couple of months is still on my mind and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to let it go. Yes, I said things I shouldn’t have said, but that manager doesn’t know how to manage anything. The fact that he threatened me makes me laugh though. What can he do to me that I’m not willing to do to myself? At least I didn’t follow through with my original plan. Yes, I did only go to instigate, but really I wanted to intimidate them and pretend I’m untouchable which just is not the case. I’m not a strong person and I have to rely on my intelligence to get through some things. I’m just not thinking things through properly and that likely will not happen until I get through this phase.
It’s been a while since I last felt this way. It’s been so long I don’t remember how to deal with these thoughts. I don’t know why I’ve been obsessing about this since Friday, but its’ only a matter of time before I act on these thoughts. Doing that is scary for me though because I don’t want to disappoint anyone. If anyone finds out what I’m doing then who knows what will happen. I’m my own person though and if I want to do this without involving anyone else then it’s my right. No one can tell me what to do with myself anymore. I’m finally getting back to who I truly am and I have to get used to this again. Which brings me to this question. For anyone that feels this way how do you fight it? I’m resorted to do this at night because of the fear of anyone finding out. I’m letting down so many people and I guess I am self-centered.
I didn’t manage to fall asleep until about 5 in the morning and I’ve been up since 9. I had a hard time falling asleep last night and I know why. I don’t want to focus on that right now though because I have to stop thinking about that subject at any cost. I was listening to this band last night as well. They’re different than I usually listen to, but they are okay. They’re called Rolo Tomassi and they’re one of the few Mathcore bands I can actually listen to. They have a female vocalist and they beat something else. Music is all I have to fall back on and it’s a shame too. I just wanted to mention this because I don’t want anyone to accuse me of being overly pessimistic. Even though I am I don’t want honesty. I want to try something, but I’m too tired.
I’m doing something that I have to do. What is that? I’m going to completely isolate myself Sunday and Monday. That means not doing anything social at all. How am I going to accomplish that? Just bore myself to the point where I’m going to force myself to grow the hell up. I’m almost 32 years old and what do I have to show for it? That’s my point I’m attempting to make. I expect so much from everyone and I don’t do a damn thing in return. That’s why everyone hates me and why I’m allowing myself to go through this. I’m going to think tonight and hopefully come to a decision on what needs to be done Tuesday. If that means doing something I shouldn’t do immediately after posting this then so be it. I want to more than anything, but with my brother here I have to be careful and quiet about it. Even though my mind is focused on this again I’m going to go about it in a different way than before. That means not getting anyone else involved. I just can’t go overboard like in the past. This is the only thing that keeps me centered and without it then I will hit someone. I’m really attempting to not strike someone else, but with the way I’m feeling I’ll likely do it this week.
I understand so much. I gave up on trying to talk to my brother because my sister-in-law wants nothing to do with me. The whole getting accused of being on drugs is annoying, but she’s not the only person assuming that. That’s the main reason why I’m not getting any assistance whatsoever. I’m left alone this weekend and it’s almost 10:10. I just find it funny that everyone wants me to do everything with nothing. I can’t shave because I can’t, I can’t shower, can’t wash my laundry, can’t eat, and can’t apply to more jobs because I have no form of transportation. I don’t even have a state i.d. and no checking account so I’m truly stuck. I’m being punished because of that whole housing situation and I find it hilarious that they justify treating me the way they do. Fuck them. If anyone shows up Tuesday I’m going to go off. I will lose everything because of this. I wish I had someone on my side, but it’s too little to late. Everyone has given up on me and it’s about time I did the same. I have no basic rights and I’m tired of sleeping on the floor. This is my fault though so I should blame myself more than anything. This is just so sad that I’m being denied everything because I was going to starve in a place I didn’t need to be. I should just walk out tonight and walk around. I have nothing to lose and I might just sell off everything I own. No use for anything when everyone’s against you. This city is terrible and I have no place in it.
I’m very tense. I have to figure out what to do because everyone’s getting what they want. I’m finally breaking down and it’s times like this when I realize how important I am. I won’t be able to eat a single thing until after Memorial Day and I’m seriously considering just walking away from this. It beats the alternative. I just wish I could actually do something instead of being all talk. I’m truly nothing and no one is ashamed to let me know that. I’m so pissed at myself and everyone else. I am responsible, but this just isn’t worth it. It never was. I’m just going to cut and lay down for the night. It’s not as if anyone cares anyway. I haven’t actually ate anything since Tuesday and it is starting to get to me. I hate everything and everyone right now. I’m fed up with the way I’m treated. It’s all backfiring and there is no way I’d be able to make it until Tuesday without snapping. There’s just no way.
I have to go somewhere. With Memorial Day weekend though there’s just not much to do. Nothing will get better until I gain some motivation to change anything. I’m just a shell of my former self and I think that afc home could be partially responsible. I have lost the desire to cook anything and that just reinforced my inability to socialize. Things were pretty good up until the end of last year. It’s almost been 6 months since then and I’m only going backwards. It’s getting to the point where I have to do something. Even if I don’t want to. I want a job more than anything. I’m not going to come up with excuses why I don’t have one because I don’t want to pass the blame on anything or anyone. Why? I’m responsible for everything and it’s about time I admit that.