I Love Geeky Women For Some Reason

•July 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment


I love Gaby Dunn so much.  She’s on a whole bunch of Buzzfeed videos and I think she’s funny and attractive.  I didn’t know she was going to be a Suicide Girl before she ended getting a job at Buzzfeed, but there is a picture of her trying out.  Maybe I should focus on stuff like this because I’m still under a court order until September 14.  Just about 6 weeks left!


•July 31, 2015 • Leave a Comment

So the ER lost my birth certificate, social security card, and everything else necessary for my identification card.  It’s safe to say I pissed and I just got out of the hospital to find my razors gone from my backpack.  I went to my mom’s though and I found X-Acto blades.  Not my preferred method of cutting, but at least now I have the option since I’m extremely pissed off because it feels like no one gives a damn about.  I feel like an embarrassment to society right now and I’m tired of being treated like shit.  I have an appointment Monday at 1:30 and I doubt that appointment, but it’s something I have to do.  On the bright side my court order has been reduced from a year to the initial 90 days so it ends September 14 of this year.  That means I can put in my 30 day notice at the group home on the 15th of the next month.  I’m happy about that then I can cut to my heart’s content.

•July 20, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I plan on finally getting a new identification card today.  I’m just waiting for my ride to the Secretary of State.  I’m hoping I can get a new one with what I have.  I have 2 pieces of mail, my birth certificate, and my social security card.  I need a new id card to do some things.  Mainly for employment reasons and I need a picture id to get a new bus pass which is something I also really need.  I need to do this before my birthday this year because then it would be a whole lot more difficult to get one.

Just Too Easy

•July 19, 2015 • 1 Comment

I have to get everything back on track, but with my blood count the way it is I’m tempted to drive it lower.  I likely won’t, but there’s still the possibility.  There is one thing that’s making me somewhat happy though.  My right index finger is still a little numb, but it doesn’t hurt that badly when I type.  It also formed a bubble over my fingernail.  I don’t know what caused the bubble.  It was pretty deep though so that is something that likely caused it.  My left arm is still wrapped and I don’t know how long it will be so I have to fight that urge.  What should I think about when I’m tempted to cut?

Have to Live With This

•July 19, 2015 • 1 Comment

There are so many things that I don’t  understand.  It’s also likely that I will never understand some of those.  My blood count has taken a hit so that means I have to walk around feeling light-headed and I only did this to myself.  Even if I could do something about it I likely won’t.  Why?  This is a reminder of why I shouldn’t cut.  What good does it bring me anyways.  I’m so upset with myself and why did I do what I did Friday?  Especially when I promised I wouldn’t leave the house if my urges were high.  I’m a liar and selfish.  I only think of how thing effect me.  Not anyone else.

I Can’t Take These Risks

•July 17, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I’m allowing myself to take unnecessary risks.  I’m hurting everyone just by being around.  Maybe I should go for a walk and find out what this city offers.  I have to wait for that though.  There is no window down here so I don’t know if it’s dark yet or when it’s going to be dark.  I do fear for my arm though.  I kind of fucked it up and why did I do that?  I’m sore and I have to get medical treatment, but I’m scared to.  I’m worried and I don’t want anything bad to happen to my arm.  I deserve to be ridiculed for this though because I’m putting myself into risky situations,  I’m a screw up and I don’t know why I do what I do.

I’m Selfish and It Won’t Stop

•July 17, 2015 • 1 Comment

I shouldn’t be doing this.  I’m getting everyone involved in my problems and that’s selfish of me.  I’m sitting here all alone and I messed up.  I’m a moron for thinking that this type of behavior will get me anywhere positive.  I’m not thinking of my well-being and I don’t know why I keep repeating this same pattern over and over again.  It’s 7:00 right now and I’m not in the right state of mind to go to a store and get something to eat.  I have until 10:00 so I have to prepare myself for that.  I’d hate to know if anyone knows I’m down here like this.  There are children here and I’m cutting in a damn basement.  I’m under a court order and I’m violating that because I hate being told what to do.  Maybe I don’t deserve that right right now and maybe people should tell me how to live.  Heaven knows I’m not capable of doing anything productive with my life.


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