I received a jury duty notice in the mail 2 months ago and the court wants you to check to see if you have to do it the evening before and my group number has to show up in the morning. I could have got out of it, but I chose not to. I never was in a court room before so I don’t know what to expect. I’m only doing it because I’m curious and it gives me something to do. I’m hoping it doesn’t stress me out, but even if it does I have to do this. I’m kind of hoping it’s just for one day. Why? I don’t know how I’ll be able to sit there and listen. That’s not my strong suit, but I can’t use that as an excuse. It’s going to be chilly in the morning and I have to be there by 8:45.
I’m tired of this. I wish I knew what I’m doing because I’m tired of disrespecting everyone. I’m scared of what I’m doing because it’s just going to make life more difficult for me. I’m confused and I’m tired of not knowing how to grow up and act like someone that’s independent and successful. I’m not a great person to be around and I need to think about what I want out of everyday life. I’m a little cautious of not amounting to anything and maybe I have to force myself to do something that will get me out of my comfort zone. The sad thing is that I can’t tell anyone about this because I know what to expect. I’m questioning everything and rightfully so. I can’t face anyone because of how ashamed I am. Being ashamed is a huge part of what makes me me. I’m sleepy and bored. I have to call a court after 5:00 to see if I have to do something that maybe I shouldn’t be doing. It’s nothing bad though and it is really something I’m willing to try because I never witnessed something like that before.
I want to distance myself from so many people. It’s not worth it and I won’t go to this family get together in August. I don’t think I’d be welcomed anyway. I only remember seeing that man once and he left everyone behind so he could go to Florida with some mistress and treated like everyone else was an embarrassment. I doubt he went to his ex’s funeral and his son’s as well. I’m not condemning him for that seeing as how I had no intentions to attend myself. I don’t what it is with the males in this family though. It seems like they all neglect loved ones and I don’t understand why. Maybe no one knows what it means like to be a man and respect parental responsibilities. Now maybe I don’t have a right to judge seeing as I’m more selfish than anyone mentioned. I have no respect for anyone’s wishes and maybe I have to learn how to respect others as well? I’m tired of acting like a huge hypocrite and what I’m doing now is even respecting myself. I wish I knew what to do.
I’m trying my best to not let my mouth get me into trouble. I guess that is why I shut my phone off. I should attempt to try to sleep so I can figure out what kind of day it is going to be for me. I’m not going to communicate with anyone so I will not turn my phone on at when I wake up in the morning. I know what some people are going think, but I have to live for myself. I can’t keep attempting to people please all of the time. I think I should be more important than people who don’t even know what kind of person I am. That’s kind of sad that I’d say something like that because I act as if I know what kind of person I am. Well that’s not entirely true. I know exactly what kind of person I am and the sad thing is that no one is ashamed to tell me either. I make people hate me and I think it’s better off that way. I’m a selfish person who takes advantage of everyone. At least I realize that much. Maybe I need to think about actually improving things instead of taking the easy way out. I think I’d be better off.
I need to talk to someone. I’m court ordered to live in an adult foster care home and I haven’t been there since Tuesday afternoon. I can’t face anyone. I’m a shell of my former self and I wish I knew what I’m doing. I’m terrified and I wish I knew what is in store for me. I’m just going to lay down and think about what I want. I’m scared because I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing. There’s a pretty good chance that I’m going to do it the way I wanted to do it last night and if I do that then I’m finished. I shouldn’t be doing this to myself and if anyone finds out then maybe I deserve what’s coming my way. I’m not what anyone wants me to be and it shows. It just feels like this world would be a better place if people like me weren’t in it. I can’t face anyone.
I can’t do this. I’m neglecting my responsibilities so I can do something that I’m going to get in trouble for doing. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, but I still did it and I remembered why I dislike doing it. Now that I’m over the hurdle that will just open this up completely. I’m not returning today and rightfully so. I can’t force myself to go back. Especially since I did something I had no right doing. No one knows and I won’t tell anyone. It’s none of anyone’s business anyway. I’m not what anyone wants me to be and it’s time to accept that. I’ll do what needs to be done. That’s what I believe is the right thing to do with someone that’s in the situation I’m in.
It’s all set up. Now I have to see if I’m capable of doing it. Just the thought of it is making me nervous. I do know that if I do manage to do it tonight then that’d open up things I don’t know if I want in my life or not. I don’t know what I’m so afraid of though. If anyone finds out then why should I let it bother me? It’s my body and if I feel like doing this to myself it’s my right. I’m just a little cautious because of what committing to this will do. Why fight what I am though? That’s the million dollar question. I am what I am. There’s no point in fighting it.