I need to think about my future. I’ve been stressed for the past week because I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I’m tempted to put I my 30 day notice and just leave. I can’t go back to my mom’s though because of the way my family is. I’m not good enough and everyone’s not ashamed to treat me so. I know I should be living for me and not anyone else, but I hate being alone. I wish things were different, but who am I kidding? What can I do to improve my chances of building a life for myself? I hate rejection and I’d rather have no interview than to attend one only to be denied. I have poor self-esteem and I can’t use that as an excuse. I had this coming.
I feel trapped because I want to move on, but when no one has any faith in you can only get so far. I need to figure out how to impress people. It’s sad when you can’t even get a simple dishwashing job. I even called and they didn’t respond. It’s unfair, but what can I do? If nobody wants you to work for them then what? It’s frustrating. The interviews are having an impact on me because it feels like I’m close to obtaining a job and nothing comes out of it. It feels like they make up their mind just as the interview is about to begin. I have to do this on my own and I don’t know if that’s possible. I have to think about my next plan and maybe that cop was right.
I don’t know why I’m up at 5:30 in the morning. I might just stay up and take a nap later in the day. I’m going to some hotel today and fill out a job application there. I need to speak to that manager and hope I can convince that person to take a chance on me. I’m a hard worker, but I need to convince the manager that. I was at Taco Bell for nearly two years, but that’s not good enough it seems. Finding a job will set things straight and boost my self-esteem. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I might just play Pokémon Platinum and wait until 10:00. I don’t know when they open, but filling out a job application there is my top priority today. I’m thinking of that incident at that store, but I have to wait to talk to someone before I figure out the next step on that matter. I want to get that guy in trouble because that’s not a great way to manage a business. I went off on Facebook yesterday and I upset some people. I just mentioned the incident and people are pissed off about what happened.
The cops completely disregarded me Saturday. Those guys had excessive force and I should fight back. I’m going to report that store tomorrow morning and I’m going to make sure they both get fired. That won’t happen though because they’re just go on about how I hit him. I hit him because I called the cops on him and he slapped my phone out of my hand and made me lose the call. I shouldn’t have hit him, but he also shouldn’t have held a childish racially motivated grudge. All of this over a fucking backpack 3 months ago. How pathetic is that imbecile? He also tried to fight me outside that day and I should have fired charges for harassment. I didn’t want to resort to that though, but now I will. I’m tired of being a doormat and until I stand up for myself nothing will change. I’m not some punching bag that will continue to hand around. I will stand up to that bully and I won’t stop until that store’s reputation is tarnished and that guy loses his job. I will not go there when this gets resolved because I know how petty people are. They can’t deny me though, but they will and then they’re be forced to clean house. I just hope things don’t resort to that because they’re innocent. It’s just that guy that has to pay. That’s what I get for being on the northside of Kalamazoo though. This is why I want no part of society anymore.
Why do I even bother? I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I feel like disappearing. Maybe I need to stop living for others and do what I want to do for once? Maybe everyone would be happier if I wasn’t around. That’s how it feels and it’s sad when even your own family wants nothing to do with you. I know where I stand and everyone’s not too ashamed to admit it. This isn’t for me and the only thing keeping me together is a fear of making matters worse. The fact that people will say how ashamed they are helps with that. I’m sorry for forcing everyone to put up with me. That’s just the way things are and nothing will change until I finally give in and do what has to be done. I’m just tired of forcing everyone to like me. I know where I stand and I can see through the fake kindness. I’m good at reading people.
I have a lot on my mind and I wish I could just forget about what happened Saturday. It’s just irritating because it feels like everyone else can do whatever they want, but I’m always wrong. I always kept my composure in the past because I walked away, but there was no avoiding what happened. I would do it again if I had the opportunity. I just can’t let that guy get away with what he done. It’s just not possible. I have to go. What will happen if I run away from the problem though? Be a coward? Maybe it would be justified in that case. I need to be the bigger man. That’s impossible because of that fool’s weight, but I’m not talking about it literally.
How can people be so stupid? Talk about editing out so this person can spread his politically agenda. I oppose the government now, but I call out this bs. This country needs to stop being so divided and actually work together to build a stronger government. That won’t happen until everyone just gets along and vote on issues. Not party. I’ll never vote ever again. I’m proud to be an American, but I’m ashamed of it’s citizens. That likely won’t change anytime soon. I’m so better than this. Peace!