Breaking Point Again

•June 24, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I was so upset today that I punched a wall.  I’m not hurt that bad, but I did make my knuckles bleed a bit.  My urges to cut are extremely high and I’m going to sneak off somewhere and do it.  The people in this house can’t do anything about it because I’m not doing it on their property.  No one can stop this and if someone sees then fuck them.  I can’t do this.  I don’t feel that stable right now and I’m just going to walk out of the house and do it.  I have the blades in my pocket.  I’m prepared to use them in a half hour.  I just need to find some place to do it.

I Don’t Like My Meds

•June 24, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I was so drowsy and dizzy after I took my meds last night.  I was playing on my DS and I had to fight to stay awake.  I also was lightheaded when I woke up to use the bathroom.  My self-harm urges are also pretty high at the moment and I’m hoping this little post will make me feel better.  I’m so frustrated at the fact that I went to a psychiatric hospital.  I don’t think I belong in that type of place, but I guess I had that coming.  It’s 6:45 and I’m listening to all 4 All Shall Perish albums.  Yes, I’m a fan of deathcore and I find no problem in that.  I can’t wait to listen to Thy Art Is Murder’s Holy War.

This Isn’t For Me

•June 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I had a surprise doctor’s appointment today.  My new psychiatrist asked me if I was getting anything out of treatment.   You know what I said?  I don’t know.  I’m meeting with her again in 3 months and that’s not all.  I also bought blades and when she asked me if I had any I lied straight to her face.  They were in my pant’s pocket.  I don’t know if I’m going to use them because by doing that then I’d be screwing myself over.  I want to do it though.  Even though I can’t do it in this house I can do it in my sister’s basement.  I can disappear for the day and do what I want to do.  I shouldn’t be making these kinds of plans, but I don’t care about treatment anymore.  That’s why I want to get a job and run away.  I want no one to find me.  I’m not even going to tell anyone that I have a job.  I’m going to completely drop off the face of the planet for a good month.  After that then everything will be dropped thankfully.  This is also a weird time for me.  Normally I’d post what I’m listening to at the moment, but I’m not listening to music right now.  I just got done playing Mega Man Zero Collection and hopefully I’ll finish that later this week.  I’m doing a perfect Mega Man Zero 1-4 file.  I unlocked everything in the first one and now I have to finish the second.  I need to start the third tomorrow and then the fourth sometime in a couple of days.  How sad in a way.  I’ll close this post with this.  Yesterday someone asked me if I was going to walk to my appointment.  I said yes and left at 2:15 PM.  I guess someone came for me to take me to my appointment at 3:00 PM, but I got to my destination at 2:42!  Why doesn’t anyone just trust me and let me do what I say I’m going to do.  It’s not like I’m capable of blowing off those kinds of appointments even though I should.

She’s Pretty Attractive

•June 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

I don’t know why I have a thing for women of a different race.  She’s from Mexico and she’s a guitarist of a all-female rock band called Mystica Girls.

Here’s one picture of Cinthya.  Maybe I should start looking for distractions so I can feel better.  Something easy on the eyes is always a good thing.  Maybe if I started focusing on objects such as this I’d feel better.  That is if this kind of thing has any significant importance anyways.  I have to leave in an hour and I don’t know what to listen to on my walk to see someone.  It can’t be too long, but at the same time it can’t be too short.  It should take about 35 minutes to walk there so I need to listen to something that will make me feel good.

Barely Any Sleep, But Oh Well I Guess

•June 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

3 hours of sleep.  I’m so tired.  I might try to lay down again.  Without sleep I’m nothing.  I am a little drowsy, but I doubt I’ll be able to fall asleep again.  I better be able to take a 2 hour nap later today at least.  I don’t think I’d be able to though.  I mean what’s the point of doing that?  I’m shaking too.  I’m so bored and I should just go somewhere.  It’s only 7:00 AM though and I can’t just leave the house at this time of day.  I’m being pressured to eat a full 3 meals a day and I know what everyone is trying to do.  I don’t need to be reminded to eat.

Going to My Old Work for Lunch?

•June 23, 2015 • Leave a Comment

It’s the 23rd of June.  I’ve been playing Mega Man Zero Collection for the DS all night now and it’s 3:11 AM.  I should lay down and go to sleep.  I’m listening to August Burns Red right now and then Our Last Night next.  I’m going to sleep with music on.  I have nothing to worry about.  I want to go out to eat today for lunch, but I don’t know what I’m in the mood for.  I might go to the Taco Bell I used to work at and see how things have changed.  What’s going to happen to me?  I feel a little uneasy because I have to share a room with someone.  It’s not all bad though because the person I’m sharing a room with is trustworthy.  At least there’s that.  I also have to think about finding a job.  I need one badly because I need responsibility.  Nothing is going my way and maybe I’m the one to blame.  I shouldn’t have quit, but it honestly felt like they didn’t need me.  I have to stop acting so guilty all the damn time.

Being Here Doesn’t Change Anything

•June 22, 2015 • Leave a Comment

What am I doing here?  I’m back with an old acquaintance and I guess it’s better this way than before.  I think I’m more comfortable within this place than with my sister.  I want to do something tomorrow, but I don’t know where to go.  How unfortunate for me.  Can I get run away from here?  I don’t know.  I’m not who I want to be and I’m the only one to blame.  Feeling like this doesn’t undermine how much I want to abandon everything and everyone.


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