It’s too cold to be doing this. I’m blogging out in the fresh air and I’m shivering. This isn’t frustration either. This is the only way I can blog anymore and that explains the lack of updates. I plan on blogging more again and hopefully pick up the enjoyment again. It couldn’t hurt to get my thoughts out of my head in a healthy, somewhat productive kind of way. If there’s anything you need to know don’t hesitate to ask. My life’s an open book again. I won’t hold back anymore. I have nothing to be afraid of.
It has come to mind that the therapist/caseworker here doesn’t know how to deal with me or my cutting. Who would’ve guessed that? Maybe she’s the one who has a lot left to learn? Maybe if she actually took the time to get to know me and the way my mind works shed have better work with me? I hate dealing with fucking moron all of the time, but I have no choice. How pathetic is that? When will someone get to know me and work with me to make me the best Jeffery I can be? Likely never! Why is that?
I just got out of the hospital yesterday. This time I smuggled an X-ACTO knife blade into a locked facility and self-harmed with it. I also aggravated the wound twice which didn’t help anything. How sad is that? I do this type of stuff then I wonder why my life is in the state it’s in. How dare I. There really isn’t much of a point to this post only to mention how the previous 2 years have been a waste and here’s to a better 2017! I don’t have my hopes up, but I have to attempt it. I can’t keep throwing my life away!
I want to go home, but where is home? Staying with my family is out of the question and I’m not in any waiting lists. I’m stuck. Not to mention I got caught in the act of cutting tonight. Something I’m not proud of. The sad thing is that I never learn from my mistakes. I’m always in a downward spiral and it’s annoying. All I can do is attempt to make steps forward instead of backwards. How can I do that? Maybe I do want to die. Just to end this painful existence. I deserve that much at least. I’m trapped and it’s all on me. If I only could learn or just put an end to this. I already know I upset several people with this latest incident, but why should I care? No one gives a shit about me. I’m all alone and maybe it’s better off that way. Why give anyone a chance?
What the fuck was I thinking!? Bragging a damn eviction and how difficult I had things. I had it pretty easy despite my troubles and rebellious behavior. I fought and fought and I lost every time. How sad is that? Bragging about being a loser. That’s wjy this has to end! Either by death or wising up and listen for a change. Something my thick skull fails to grasp. Sigh. Maybe I can still pull this off and fake being whatever anybody wants me to be? A difficult task I’ll hand you that, but it won’t be impossible despite the fact that I may have taken a hit at that with some stupid and angry texts to someone who has no say in anything here. At least venting helps. More than it should.
To be honest cutting and suicide are not proper things to brag about and flaunt. I realize that now. I’m still going to partake in that behavior, but quietly. This is my lifestyle and I can’t allow anyone else to “mimic” me. Notice the parentheses. Maybe I should fake it and get released only to kill myself? In the end that’s my decision and mine alone. How sad isn’t it? A strong individual willing to give in and break. Maybe I’m not as strong-willed as I claim to be? I’m weak to the core and vulnerable. Anything can make me break, but that’s my business and nobody else’s. One of the last updates of this shitty year. 2 in a row at that. Aiming for a third? Hopefully a big fuck no!
Why is it okay for others to single me out and be rude to me, but if I return the favor I’m considered an asshole and everyone avoids me? I’m fed up with everyone acting as if I don’t exist. I’m powerless to do anything about unfortunately. Which is quite sad when I think about it more closely. Maybe I should crank it up a notch and not hold back? I can be extremely rude when I think about it. I hate behaving that way though. Why? Then people avoid me even more so. If that is even more possible that is. Oh the wonders of the mental health system! I guess that’s why I want to abandon treatment as severely as I do. This type of treatment is not beneficial to me at all!