I’m Doing This On Purpose

I’m acting out in group homes for two reasons.  The first reason is that I have no desire to live in one and acting out will help prevent me from living in one.  If II do then I’ll either cut or run off.  The second reason is that I can only eat what I want when I want it.  I’m a very picky eater.  I’m sincerely hoping that everyone can’t find placement so I can go to my sister’s.

I Can’t Change Him

I need to socialize more.  If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in.  I think I need actual human contact though.  I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once.  I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there.  It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there.  I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to.  I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here.  I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  I do wish I had some kind of musical ability.  Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway.  I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over.  I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter.  I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him.  I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him.  The same could be said for my dad.  I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable.  I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not.  I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change.  They’re going to want to change first.  I guess the same could be said the same thing about me.  I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually.  I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable.  That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself.  I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.