I’m acting out in group homes for two reasons. The first reason is that I have no desire to live in one and acting out will help prevent me from living in one. If II do then I’ll either cut or run off. The second reason is that I can only eat what I want when I want it. I’m a very picky eater. I’m sincerely hoping that everyone can’t find placement so I can go to my sister’s.
Category: case management
This Isn’t Living
I’m tired of being so lonely, but with this current situation I find myself in there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m in crisis housing and can’t leave the fucking place. It’s unfair and I need some damn freedom! That’s asking for too much. Sorry about this complaining, but I have an unwanted surgery today and I’m forced to go with someone I can’t stand.
I Don’t Matter to a Single Soul
I don’t know what to do. I want to be happy and carefree, but I have too many worries. Things would be a tad better if I had someone to talk to. I feel completely isolated and I hate it. I’m a good person, but something’s not right. I’m left on my own with barely any skills to get by. Why am I even still here? It’s confusing for me.
Listening to what got me into music. Who is it? Flyleaf’s debut way back in 2006. Time sure does fly.
Who Will Take Me Seriously?
Why doesn’t anyone have any faith in me? I’m seriously willing to give up cutting because of what it does to me, but no one ever listens to what I have to say. It’s irritating, but what can I do about it? I wish at least one person actually listen to what I have to see. Is that asking for too much? That seems to be the case.
Listening to The Re-Arrival by Deadlock
Worst Decision I’ve Ever Made?
So I agreed to be in intense treatment in 2014 and that backfired completely. If I didn’t agree to it I’d have a he’ll of a lot more freedom than I do right now. They fucked my life up. Now I have no rights at all and it’s unfair. I don’t get anyone else involved with my life so why the protection? I don’t need it. I can take care of myself. No one believes me though and that’s a serious problem, but I’m powerless to do anything about it. At least now. Just one question. How do I Regain my freedom because I desperately need it?
Listening To: All Shall Perish- This Is Where It Ends
Things Need to Settle Down
Things have been a little hectic since yesterday, but I will settle down eventually. I’m still upset over how things are for me right now and I have to get over that. I just wish I had at least one person on my side. I’m sure I have at least one or two people on this site, but I mean in person. I’m fighting a losing battle with this case management agency and I’m fully aware of what will happen if I keep doing that to them. They’re be coming over here on Monday, but I’m tempted to do the same thing I did today. Avoid them. I’m just hoping they do a surprise visit tomorrow or Friday. I won’t be here tomorrow because I’m too stressed to be in one place. I also have to stop complaining and actually focus on something positive which is something I haven’t done since I was discharged yesterday. Sigh. I wish I could do more and be happier. I have to get some things under control before I can feel that way. I’m hoping no one visits me this week. I’m not in the mood and I’ll yell at them. That is if I don’t cry first and storm off. They’re a trigger. I didn’t want to admit that, but I guess I have to. It’s sad that we don’t want to work with each other, but we are all forced to. They want to drop me and I want to be dropped. It just sucks that can’t happen.
Ditching My Appointment
Someone will be coming over here at about 11:00 in the morning. I won’t be here though. I’m leaving at about 9:30 and they can all fuck off. I won’t self-harm in the public because I know that’s not a good thing. I don’t want to have the risk of someone seeing and tell on me. Damn tattle tails! If I miss 2 weeks of appointments then they are forced to drop me. The only problem is they might show up unannounced and if they do that then it will be a lot more difficult to fight back. I’m only angry with them because they want to control me and I have no respect or trust for them. If it wasn’t for this 365 day court order I’d tell them to fuck off in their face. If I resist then I can expect a lot more amount of restrictions. I don’t want that, but I also can’t live like this.
Funny What the Psychiatrist Said
When I was told I was being discharged the psychiatrist there told me that he couldn’t do anything about my cutting and he wished me luck. I know he knows there’s no stopping what I’m going to do. At least he was honest. The attorney was also honest with me. I was going to fight this, but I knew I had no chance. He agreed with me after I said that. I appreciate his honest, but the doctor acted like he knew I’m going to harm myself and he doesn’t care at all. I’m not mad at him because I would’ve said the same thing if I was in his situation. I have an appointment tomorrow at 11:00 in the morning, but I won’t be here for that. Why would I? They treat me like shit and just want to control my every move. I’m surprised they don’t think they have the authority to tell me when to breathe and not. I know that’s going a tad too far, but fuck them.
One Day At a Time 