I’m tired of being so lonely, but with this current situation I find myself in there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m in crisis housing and can’t leave the fucking place. It’s unfair and I need some damn freedom! That’s asking for too much. Sorry about this complaining, but I have an unwanted surgery today and I’m forced to go with someone I can’t stand.
Category: cooperation
Worst Decision I’ve Ever Made?
So I agreed to be in intense treatment in 2014 and that backfired completely. If I didn’t agree to it I’d have a he’ll of a lot more freedom than I do right now. They fucked my life up. Now I have no rights at all and it’s unfair. I don’t get anyone else involved with my life so why the protection? I don’t need it. I can take care of myself. No one believes me though and that’s a serious problem, but I’m powerless to do anything about it. At least now. Just one question. How do I Regain my freedom because I desperately need it?
Listening To: All Shall Perish- This Is Where It Ends
Danger: Contents Under Pressure!
I need freedom to be happy. Not restrictions! That’s what barely anyone understands. I get worse as I slowly get my freedom taken away and it’s irritating me that nobody sees that. When will someone understand? Likely never because no one ever listens to me. I’m annoyed on how everyone treats me like an idiot and like my rights are nonexistent. I’m just as important as anyone else. Some people just pies me off.
How Can I Regain Much Needed Trust?
No one trusts me anymore. I want to go back to my sister’s place, but certain people think that I can’t keep myself safe. Fuck them! No one knows what’s going on in my head. The truth is that I want to give up on cutting. Anemia isn’t fun and because of that cutting cab make me feel weak. I don’t enjoy that feeling at all. Can I convince at least one person on how serious I am about putting this all behind me? I doubt it.
Stupid Mistake
I fractured my right hand in 3 different places on New Year’s Eve and I can’t type right now. I get surgery on the 21st and I’m nervous. This is my first break and my first surgery. The worst part is that I’ll have to be in a cast for about 3 months. It’s in a splint right now and showering is a minor pain, but I’ll deal with it. This is what I deserve for punching a wall as hard as I did. I didn’t know I could punch that hard. I have to prevent myself from doing that in the future.
Tired, But That’s Not Enough
I need to sleep. I’m leaving in 9 hours and I don’t want to be up all night. If I’m up all night then I’ll likely waste my night on YouTube. The sad thing is that I deserve this because of a couple of night ago. It’s times like this when I wish I had something to help me sleep. I’m a little tired, but that’s not enough to work with to fall asleep. This is frustrating. I’m just work through this and hope I get at least 3 hours. I won’t get that unfortunately. I can’t get anything over the counter either because it’s almost 1:00 in the morning and no store is open. At least nearby. Taking a hot shower is out of the question too which is the worst. I fucked up the plumbing pretty bad last year by self-harming (too complicated!) and since I started doing that the plumbing has not been working properly about a week after starting. I know I’m responsible too! I cause problems for everyone and maybe I need to start cooperating with people. What I’m doing is not skillful and to be honest I love feeling like this. I feel like I was 5 years ago and the only difference is that I don’t want anyone I know finding out. With Thursday coming up I can do it the way I want to and that should bring some much needed relief. Being alone for the weekend is a little stressful, but I could use the silence. Just one more thing. Yes, I’m only leaving for the day to avoid people. I’m going to leave whatever is necessary here in a easy to find place so I’d be somewhat compliant. I don’t want anyone to know where I’m going later this morning because I don’t know where I’d be. I’m going to get my picture taken in the morning and do a long walk home. I could take the bus, but it’s not winter so it’s not necessary. If it’s going to rain then that would be different. It better be sunny and maybe I’ll see some businesses hiring. I just don’t look forward to today because I hate how I look right now and that picture will be stuck with me for 4 years. You need a Michigan id card though so I have to get one as soon as possible.
I Can’t Change Him
I need to socialize more. If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in. I think I need actual human contact though. I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once. I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there. It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there. I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to. I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here. I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do. It couldn’t hurt to try. I do wish I had some kind of musical ability. Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway. I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over. I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter. I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him. I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him. The same could be said for my dad. I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable. I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not. I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change. They’re going to want to change first. I guess the same could be said the same thing about me. I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually. I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable. That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself. I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.
The Only Incentive I Need
As of right now I’m done cooperating. What point is there? When no one believes in you and willing to help then I think it’s safe to say screw them and move on. I wish things were different. I should’ve never let myself go because no one in their right mind would be willing to hire me. I need some things first and there is no way to get those things. I’m stuck in the hands of people and they obviously don’t want me to move on. I’m stuck and that makes everyone happy. I don’t even have an id card. Everyone in this family gets help, but I’m left to struggle alone. It’s unfair and then people wonder why I am the way I am. I know I shouldn’t put blame on others, but it’s true. I do take the blame, but I’m not the only person to blame.
One Day At a Time 