Why Did I Take It At 5:38?

Remeron helps me sleep.  I took it at 5:38 and fell asleep around 6.  Now I’m up at 3:45 in the morning and bored.  I might as well listen to some music.  I’m listening to Old Souls by Make Them Suffer right now.  I don’t know why I like this album so much.  Make Them Suffer is one of my top bands so I think it’s okay to listen to them as much as I do.  I bought all 4 All Shall Perish albums July of 2013 and I listened to them for the first time on Monday.  They were okay.  I might listen to them after what I’m listening to right now.  I think my arm finally stopped bleeding so I think I’m going to look at it.  I don’t know if I should or not though.  All I know is I’m tired of smelling blood.  That’s what you smell when you go by me.  I guess it’s finally time to get around to washing laundry.  I can’t do that until later in the morning because I want to use my own laundry detergent.  I finally got around to reading my comments and I’m surprised they were supportive.  I don’t like deleting things so I leave everything up.  It’s not the same with Facebook though.  Why?  I deleted at least 6 people because of how prejudice they are.  I hate hypocrites more than anything and if you’re black and complain about white people being racist when you’re just as racist or even more then fuck you!

I Can’t Change Him

I need to socialize more.  If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in.  I think I need actual human contact though.  I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once.  I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there.  It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there.  I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to.  I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here.  I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do.  It couldn’t hurt to try.  I do wish I had some kind of musical ability.  Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway.  I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over.  I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter.  I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him.  I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him.  The same could be said for my dad.  I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable.  I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not.  I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change.  They’re going to want to change first.  I guess the same could be said the same thing about me.  I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually.  I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable.  That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself.  I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.

Who Do I Want Around?

I’m thinking about family.  I’m still friends with my brother’s ex-wife on Facebook and actually communicate with her somewhat, but I’m upset at my brother’s current wife.  I know I have to move on from this, but I can’t.  I want to spend time with my brother.  Maybe she’s not the whole problem though.  Maybe it’s all him.  I don’t want to think like that though.  Maybe it’s true.  I need to build a life for myself and myself only.  There’s no point in trying to please everyone.  Especially when there’s no winning.

I Need to Take Steps to Find Happiness

I unfriended my sister-in-law on Facebook just now.  I also blocked her so I won’t be getting anything.  I don’t even know why I have a Facebook though.  No one likes me.  I reactivated it today and of course I feel bad about doing it because of my unlikable personality.  That’s not all though.  It feels like something bad happens whenever I go out and I’m tired of it.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and as I was in the check out lane there was a guy in front of me.  He had his milk separated from the rest of his groceries and when the cashier asked him if the stuff was his and I said so is the milk he said “That’s why he shouldn’t open his mouth” quietly to the cashier.  I didn’t listen to music at the time because I broke my headphones trying to get them untangled.   Who knows how that’s going on because I always listen to music when I’m out and about.

There Is No Such Thing As White Privilege

People piss me off.  I don’t even know why I have black friends on Facebook.  All they do is post offensive things about white people and talk about how everyone is out to kill black people.  I can’t stand people and it’s better for me to either unfriend them or abandon my Facebook altogether.  Why is it okay for black people to be racist?  That’s what I don’t understand.  People that complain about racism are more racist than what’s directed towards them.  There are black people only benefits, but I want a black person to tell me one thing that they can’t do.  I fucking hate society.