Why Did I Take It At 5:38?

Remeron helps me sleep.  I took it at 5:38 and fell asleep around 6.  Now I’m up at 3:45 in the morning and bored.  I might as well listen to some music.  I’m listening to Old Souls by Make Them Suffer right now.  I don’t know why I like this album so much.  Make Them Suffer is one of my top bands so I think it’s okay to listen to them as much as I do.  I bought all 4 All Shall Perish albums July of 2013 and I listened to them for the first time on Monday.  They were okay.  I might listen to them after what I’m listening to right now.  I think my arm finally stopped bleeding so I think I’m going to look at it.  I don’t know if I should or not though.  All I know is I’m tired of smelling blood.  That’s what you smell when you go by me.  I guess it’s finally time to get around to washing laundry.  I can’t do that until later in the morning because I want to use my own laundry detergent.  I finally got around to reading my comments and I’m surprised they were supportive.  I don’t like deleting things so I leave everything up.  It’s not the same with Facebook though.  Why?  I deleted at least 6 people because of how prejudice they are.  I hate hypocrites more than anything and if you’re black and complain about white people being racist when you’re just as racist or even more then fuck you!

Sharing More Than I Should

I don’t know how to explain my behavior.  I refuse to help myself and maybe I should just take a break from this blog.  I have no one to talk to about things and I’m using this a tool somehow.  I need to remember that I don’t want to trigger anyone because I don’t want anyone else doing this.  All I know is that this is a never-ending cycle that has to end before I do something.  The fear is gone now and the fact that I cut myself as badly as I did around family means that cutting is more important than trust.  I think my mom knows and know she refuses to look at me.  I think everyone knows now and maybe that would be for the best.  I’m tired and I’m just going to lay down for the night.  Even though it’s not even 8:00 I don’t want to cause myself any more problems.  I wish I had someone to talk to.  If I did then I wouldn’t let things build up to this point where I don’t give a fuck who knows what I do or not.  I’m not going to read any comments either because I’m too nervous too.  I know I have one I have yet to read and I don’t want to know who sent it or what the subject is.  Sorry if I upset anyone, but I should call someone.  It kind of soaked through the bandage and even though it’s not wet it’s obvious it soaked through.  I don’t have a phone right now and I can’t use someone’s.  I know someone lives close by, but I can’t bother me him.  He might tell someone anyways and I don’t want that.