I’m tired of being so lonely, but with this current situation I find myself in there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m in crisis housing and can’t leave the fucking place. It’s unfair and I need some damn freedom! That’s asking for too much. Sorry about this complaining, but I have an unwanted surgery today and I’m forced to go with someone I can’t stand.
Category: isolation
Why Be Embarrassed?
I’m nervous about anything sexual. I don’t know why I have a hard time with people knowing I masturbate. It’s not something I should be embarrassed about. I’m uneasy about this topic, but I have to touch on this subject to see if I’m alone in this. I’m definitely attracted to women so I guess I’m not asexual. That’s good for me, but I don’t see myself going into a relationship ever. It’s not for me at all. I’m so shy I won’t know what to do anyways. I do wish I had a partner though, but maybe it’s not meant to be. Now or anytime soon. I’m not saying never because I know I’ll change my mind eventually. There’s just one problem. I won’t meet anyone if I secluded myself like I do.
Nowhere’s Safe For Me to Do It
I still feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time. I want to run off somewhere and cut, but where can I do that? I have to go somewhere where it would be safe so no one can spoil the fun. I might just do it at my sister’s basement. I know what everyone’s doing, but I deserve this. I refused stitches today and I’m surprised the doctor went along with my decision. My left arm is pretty much dead right now and that’s the main reason why I cut my left one instead of right. Maybe I want to bleed out or pass out. I don’t want this and I can always refuse treatment. That’s what I want and just the fact that I smell like blood is triggering for me. I should change, but I’ll just smell it again later today or tomorrow morning. I’m leaving in the morning so I can look for a great place to cut where I’ll be completely isolated. I know no one will understand this if I say it, but in a way I like the feeling I get after I cut. It always brings a smile to my face seeing blood drip and I feel sick for enjoying it. That’s why that whole ice cube thing doesn’t work for me. I would go somewhere right now, but it’s 7:38 in the evening. I’m a little frustrated I can’t do that right now, but I am patient.
Something Happened Today That Hurt Me More Than Cutting
Rejection hurts more than anything. I need to find someone to talk to, but family’s not an option, I have no friends or money to do anything, and my case worker pisses me off. I want to figure things out. I know this isn’t working. I can’t just get up and move out though and that’s the biggest problem. I’m not satisfied with my housing situation and I have to put up with this somehow. I don’t want to live on my own though because then I’d get lonely. I need to find a roommate I can trust. With how things are though I don’t think that’s possible. If it is then it would just be difficult. More difficult than I wish it was. I’m a nice person and trusting. I just wish my brother was an option. He has a family though and I don’t want to impose. He has no room for me anyways. I won’t be happy here and it’s frustrating that I don’t have any single option. Maybe I shouldn’t isolate myself like I do and then maybe someone will like me. I’m not likeable because I don’t get close enough to anyone. That’s the main reason why I feel about being in relationships like I do. I can’t get close to anyone and I hate being touched. I wasn’t sexually abused growing up so I don’t know why I’m like that.
Tired, But That’s Not Enough
I need to sleep. I’m leaving in 9 hours and I don’t want to be up all night. If I’m up all night then I’ll likely waste my night on YouTube. The sad thing is that I deserve this because of a couple of night ago. It’s times like this when I wish I had something to help me sleep. I’m a little tired, but that’s not enough to work with to fall asleep. This is frustrating. I’m just work through this and hope I get at least 3 hours. I won’t get that unfortunately. I can’t get anything over the counter either because it’s almost 1:00 in the morning and no store is open. At least nearby. Taking a hot shower is out of the question too which is the worst. I fucked up the plumbing pretty bad last year by self-harming (too complicated!) and since I started doing that the plumbing has not been working properly about a week after starting. I know I’m responsible too! I cause problems for everyone and maybe I need to start cooperating with people. What I’m doing is not skillful and to be honest I love feeling like this. I feel like I was 5 years ago and the only difference is that I don’t want anyone I know finding out. With Thursday coming up I can do it the way I want to and that should bring some much needed relief. Being alone for the weekend is a little stressful, but I could use the silence. Just one more thing. Yes, I’m only leaving for the day to avoid people. I’m going to leave whatever is necessary here in a easy to find place so I’d be somewhat compliant. I don’t want anyone to know where I’m going later this morning because I don’t know where I’d be. I’m going to get my picture taken in the morning and do a long walk home. I could take the bus, but it’s not winter so it’s not necessary. If it’s going to rain then that would be different. It better be sunny and maybe I’ll see some businesses hiring. I just don’t look forward to today because I hate how I look right now and that picture will be stuck with me for 4 years. You need a Michigan id card though so I have to get one as soon as possible.
Those Forced Talks Annoy Me
I know what people are trying to do. I don’t like talking, but some people just like to come up to me and attempt to chat when I’m not interested. I shouldn’t push everyone away, but I don’t see any reason to change doing this. I’m not really upset at anyone, but I just don’t like the whole sympathy chat thing. I never did and I never will. I want to go to the store and get something so I can get away from a bit, but I’m cautious. I have a bloody towel in my backpack and I don’t want anyone going through my things and seeing it. I think it’s guaranteed that people here know what I’m doing. I guess that’s how that whole sympathy chatting thing comes from. If I want to talk I’ll come up to you or actually put forth an effort to listen. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m being truthful. Fuck my uncle and his problems. I shouldn’t let that influence me though. I know why he killed himself late last year and it’s because he watched his hoarding mother suffer. Hoarding cost her life and now because he chose to kill himself no one’s being honest with me. Anyone to go with the theme I’m listening to From Autumn to Ashes. I haven’t listened to them in months and I would love to see them in Chicago later this month. I need to find someone to go with and I want to experience another concert. Why? I loved the The Word Alive/ We Came as Romans show.
I Don’t Want to Answer to Anyone
I’m not who I should be. I’m annoyed at that fact. Why? Everyone has so many expectations of me, but I fail upon every single one of them. I’m not considerate at all. The only reason why I’m not doing what I want to do is the fact that I won’t be prepared for the morning. It would be nice not to have anybody to answer to, but that’s not the case right now. All I know is that I’m going to fight now. I’m tired of living like this and I’m tired of everyone telling what I can and cannot do. By walking out I’m going to risk everything, but I can’t keep putting everyone through this all of the time. I hate my family, but I hate strangers even more. I want to be left on my own. I want everyone to experience a world without me because I get the feeling that no one wants anything to do with me. I’m not allowed to hang out with my brother and no one’s speaking to me. It’s safe to say that I’m all alone and I hate it. I should just do what I want and where I want it. Why be scared of anyone’s judgments? I should be all that matters right now. it’s just sad that I let people influence me.
One Day At a Time 