I’m fed up with this. Someone asked me why I didn’t get tested a.d.d. when I was a youth. Now I know I struggled in school, but I think it was more no motivation and me being uncertain about my future. I still don’t know what I want to do and that worries me slightly. How can I get when I’m clueless about my future? Really tired of this!
Category: education
Should’ve Made a Bigger Effort
I didn’t make much of an effort in high school. I don’t know if it was because of laziness or something else. The main reason why I didn’t graduate on time is because I got burned out on computer courses my senior year. I shouldn’t have done that. Especially when I knew I didn’t have much of a chance before taking them. That’s the main reason why I have chose not to have a further education past high school. I did graduate high school at least and that’s all that matters. Maybe I did so poorly because I was bullied every day and I had poor self-esteem? That’s the only reason I can think of.
One Glaring Weakness I Have to Fix
It appears I’m diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder. I don’t think I’m that extreme though. I just think I have no confidence. I know those are two different things. I know I have to get out and make a life for myself, but approaching other people is difficult for me. I really don’t do much of anything and I still can’t believe how much time I’ve wasted over the past 13 years. After graduating I totally shut down and it got really bad in 2006. I can’t live in the past though because I may have a long life ahead of me. It’s not too late to change anything because I’m in my early thirties.
My favorite song of the moment. I think this may be one of my favorite deathcore songs ever. I don’t know why I like the sound of this song though. I think it just flows well with me.
I Have to Look Forward to Life
I don’t know why I always think like this. I feel way to dependent and I’m too scared to do anything with my life. It wouldn’t be so bad if I could just do something right for once. Will there be a time in my life when I can look back at this and realize that this just isn’t me anymore? I guess in a way. I love how I realize how many changes I need to make, but have no desire to do anything about it. It could be laziness, but it could also be fear. Fear of what? I’ve always been shy and feel like I’m not good enough. When I was in school I remember hiding my report cards that came in the mail. I got away with that and I wonder why.
Too Late to Call It Off?
I need to follow through with plans for once. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. and I’m too wide awake and anxious to sleep. I think I’ll just go somewhere and get something to eat. The only problem is that there are no stores open at this time so I’ll have to walk to a gas station. The problem with that is that the food there really isn’t something I should be eating before I get ready to sleep. I have to prioritize for once. Which means doing my shopping when it’s the correct time. Waiting for stores to close before doing food shopping isn’t using common sense. I have to do something in the morning, but with the way tonight’s shaping up that won’t be possible. I can’t sleep when I feel like this. I’m going to lay down and listen to music until I fall asleep. I just wish I contributed to something which is the main thing that’s causing my stress. There’s an Italian restaurant that’s looking for a dishwashing and I’m heading there this afternoon. I’d feel more comfortable going in person because I feel like I’d have a better shot in person. I just hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot which has been a recurring theme for me. I need to prepare myself for all the possible questions because you won’t get hired if you struggle with answering some questions. Especially if you’re doing with customers which obviously wouldn’t be the case with a dishwashing position.
When I get a job what will the next step be? I don’t really have any interests so the only benefit of having a job will being productive and earning a living at least somewhat. I know the importance of contributing to society because everyone feels that I’ll turn out exactly like my uncle who did end up killing himself last October. It doesn’t have an impact on me because of how feel about him, but it did have an impact on other people’s perception on me because they don’t want to see me go down that road. I don’t blame them in a way. I can’t be around other people until I change some things and even then I’ll still feel like an embarrassment. I have to distance myself from everyone because I have to live for myself and stop trying to please everyone else. I worry too much about how someone else sees me and I realize that. I want to be more independent. I know living here is a mistake and I should seriously consider looking for some kind of roommate, but I don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to get caught up in someone’s trouble. I don’t feel comfortable because of my sister’s boyfriend. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like the way he views other people. I don’t understand much because it feels like everyone’s arguing with someone. I’m on the receiving end of a lot of it. My father can’t stand me, but the feeling is mutual now. That is the only person I can truly hate. I’ve tried to open up to him, but I’m tired of getting put down by him. I bet he was happy I didn’t go to his mom’s funeral. I bet they all were. I would call my grandpa, but what’s the point in doing that? I know how he feels and he’s usually busy. Everyone has a life of their own. What do I have? Nothing, but I’m the only one to blame for that. I slacked off as a child and I’m continuing that as an adult and I use adult loosely. I’m self-centered and needy which really is not a great combination. I expect everyone to drop what they’re doing to attend to my own selfish needs and that has to stop. I’ll start by doing what needs to be done. Build a life worth living. It’s that simple. I can’t expect this kind of treatment for too much longer because everyone will run out of patience. I know I’d get upset if I saw someone that acted like I do. That’s the main reason why I avoid people as much as I do.
This Isn’t a Problem
I’m resorting to old habits. I had a history of being bullied in the past so I skipped lunch at school. I was that way from a freshman up until graduation. Now I’m going back to that and I now people are threatening me and acting as if that’s going to resolve everything. Why is it that I always have to punish myself for other people’s actions? I know I have nothing to worry about here, but I’m extremely self-conscious. It’s not as if my weight is a huge problem. I’ve been this way for a long time and I have a feeling that my weight might go back up. There’s only one problem though. I think I’m becoming lactose intolerant and that will just make eating more difficult for me.
My Guidance Counselor in High School Didn’t Like Me That Much
I still remember my guidance counselor in high school. He didn’t believe in me and the habit of taking computer courses only to fail them. Maybe he was right. He knew my limitations more than I did. The fact that I disrespected his wife when I was a senior just made everything worse. That’s why when I was behind on graduating on time I chose to finish at a different school. How can I fix things? I wish I knew because I sincerely hope that my performance in school isn’t affecting my odds at landing a job. That might not be it though. Maybe it’s because of that huge unemployment gap from the time I graduated and finally finding a job 3 years ago? I’m guessing the latter. How can I explain this to potential employers? Should I be honest with them? Will they accept me afterwards and be willing to give me a chance? I wish I knew.
No One Can Say That
No one can say I don’t try hard enough. There were times when I would stay up all night and still go to school. Yes, I was tired, but at least I didn’t ditch school just to sleep. That’s one thing nobody understands. I even cut the night before work and didn’t say “Now that I cut I can’t go to work the next day so I could risk bumping my arm while working.” I know I shouldn’t of cut the day before, but I didn’t think much of it. I did risk my job by doing that though and I realize that. Maybe that’s why I deserve what I’m receiving. I don’t think.
Why Did I Even Bother?
I’m beginning to question why I even bothered to fight through high school. I’m turning 31 this year and it has been 13 years since I graduated. Where is my life now? I’m a low life and I don’t know if that will ever change. I want to give up on everything. Nothing appeals to me at right now. I’m struggling to even get a single interview and I want something good to come out of that interview. I doubt something good will come out of it so I’m not even going to get my hopes up only to be let down yet again. I need a change of scenery. I need to be around people that believe in me. I don’t know if that’s possible though because everyone hates me wherever I end up. I just can’t make friends and it’s frustrating. Why do I even put up with this bullshit day after day? What am I getting out of this? I wish I knew. I used to be so happy. Look at me now. The only thing that really interests me anyone is blogging and music. I only blog because I have no to talk to and I don’t want to bother anyone with my problems.
Should’ve Put Forth More of an Effort
Things aren’t the same. I wish I knew what happened to me. Things took a wrong turn in 8th grade and I’m trying to find my way with no luck. I really do want to go into detail about my life after graduating high school, but I just don’t want to get into that right now. It will bring back far too many bad memories and I’m trying to prepare myself for an open interview tomorrow afternoon. I need results because if things go wrong tomorrow then I’ll be running low on options. My self-esteem is especially poor right now and I don’t want to feel even worse when I have to get my life back on track. I’m not going to lie though. I don’t have much faith in the fact that the interview will go the way I want it to. I wish things were different for me.
One Day At a Time 