Pretty Graphic Post (Warning!)

I need to learn on what to say to certain people.  I discovered some truth out of a joke I made in poor taste about my uncle who killed himself late last year.  He was dead for a week without anyone noticing and he owned a dog.  I think you know where I’m going with this, but I feel comfortable sharing this because I’m angry at that man and his mother.  I’ll go into detail about that other just now.  I want to bring something up first.  People are calling me selfish for moving back in here, but I have to now.  My mom is being garnished because she’s stuck with my deadbeat uncle’s and mother’s bills.  There deaths cost my mom so much and I’m pissed at my pathetic uncle.  I hate that man just as much as my father and it’s obvious how I feel about that pitiful excuse for a human being.  I don’t want to stray from my original idea though.  This is pretty graphic and don’t bother reading if you’re going to be offended.

As I was mentioning before.  My uncle was dead for a week and he owned a dog.  What do dogs do when they are starving?  They get desperate and what that dog did to my uncle is somehow amusing to me.  I can also just tell how that apartment smelled.  The dog was eating at his face because he was hungry.  I’m glad the dog didn’t die, but how can the dog do that?  How can anything get so desperate.  That’s why I’m going to be cautious around that because I’m sleeping on the floor and I don’t want that dog near me when I’m doing that.  If he did I would beat the crap out of it.  No lie!

Too Late to Call It Off?

I need to follow through with plans for once.  It’s almost 2:00 a.m. and I’m too wide awake and anxious to sleep.  I think I’ll just go somewhere and get something to eat.  The only problem is that there are no stores open at this time so I’ll have to walk to a gas station.  The problem with that is that the food there really isn’t something I should be eating before I get ready to sleep.  I have to prioritize for once.  Which means doing my shopping when it’s the correct time.  Waiting for stores to close before doing food shopping isn’t using common sense.  I have to do something in the morning, but with the way tonight’s shaping up that won’t be possible.  I can’t sleep when I feel like this.  I’m going to lay down and listen to music until I fall asleep.  I just wish I contributed to something which is the main thing that’s causing my stress.  There’s an Italian restaurant that’s looking for a dishwashing and I’m heading there this afternoon.  I’d feel more comfortable going in person because I feel like I’d have a better shot in person.  I just hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot which has been a recurring theme for me.  I need to prepare myself for all the possible questions because you won’t get hired if you struggle with answering some questions.  Especially if you’re doing with customers which obviously wouldn’t be the case with a dishwashing position.

When I get a job what will the next step be?  I don’t really have any interests so the only benefit of having a job will being productive and earning a living at least somewhat.  I know the importance of contributing to society because everyone feels that I’ll turn out exactly like my uncle who did end up killing himself last October.  It doesn’t have an impact on me because of how feel about him, but it did have an impact on other people’s perception on me because they don’t want to see me go down that road.  I don’t blame them in a way.  I can’t be around other people until I change some things and even then I’ll still feel like an embarrassment.  I have to distance myself from everyone because I have to live for myself and stop trying to please everyone else.  I worry too much about how someone else sees me and I realize that.  I want to be more independent.  I know living here is a mistake and I should seriously consider looking for some kind of roommate, but I don’t trust anyone.  I don’t want to get caught up in someone’s trouble.  I don’t feel comfortable because of my sister’s boyfriend.  He doesn’t like me and I don’t like the way he views other people.  I don’t understand much because it feels like everyone’s arguing with someone.   I’m on the receiving end of a lot of it.  My father can’t stand me, but the feeling is mutual now.  That is the only person I can truly hate.  I’ve tried to open up to him, but I’m tired of getting put down by him.  I bet he was happy I didn’t go to his mom’s funeral.  I bet they all were.  I would call my grandpa, but what’s the point in doing that?  I know how he feels and he’s usually busy.  Everyone has a life of their own.  What do I have?  Nothing, but I’m the only one to blame for that.  I slacked off as a child and I’m continuing that as an adult and I use adult loosely.  I’m self-centered and needy which really is not a great combination.  I expect everyone to drop what they’re doing to attend to my own selfish needs and that has to stop.  I’ll start by doing what needs to be done.  Build a life worth living.  It’s that simple.  I can’t expect this kind of treatment for too much longer because everyone will run out of patience.  I know I’d get upset if I saw someone that acted like I do.  That’s the main reason why I avoid people as much as I do.

Didn’t Go To Either

My brother graduated from college last week and I didn’t go because of how my sister-in-law feels about me and I didn’t go to my grandma’s funeral because of my father.  I doubt I was missed at either one so oh well.  I wish I wasn’t such an embarrassment.  All I can do is get a job and get as far away from everyone as possible.  I’m not going to tell anyone where I go and whether I’ll land that job.  No one can tell me what to do anymore because I’m tired of it.  I know myself more than anyone else and that’s the complete truth.  It’s bad enough people know about that job interview in 2 weeks.

Cannot Be Unseen

I was bored last night and what do I do when I get insanely bored?  Look at self-harm pictures as usual.  I saw this picture of a girl who cut her face all up.  I should’ve not looked at that because I can’t get it out of my head.  I actually just looked at it again just now just because.  I don’t know why I have a stronger stomach now than in the past.  Death doesn’t even phase me anymore and that’s the most alarming thing.  I don’t know why I don’t feel sad about my grandma passing, but I have to focus on myself at the moment.  I let myself get a little sidetracked lol.  I know I can get through this.  I just need to not let myself get down.  It won’t be impossible, but this is no walk in the park.

A Curse?

So I guess my grandma died this morning.  No one bothered to tell me.  If nobody told me how did I find out?  Facebook of course.  This is the second time in the 7 months that something like this happened.  In September my uncle died after I committed a selfish act and the same thing happened this week.  I know I can’t feel responsible, but I was a disappointment in her eyes and she never got a chance to see me put my life back on track.  Life isn’t permanent and I know how people will feel if I die.  My uncle killed himself last year and I think cancer killed my grandma.  I’m out of the loop on family matters though because I’m an embarrassment.

Oh Well

I’m a child.  That’s all I’ll ever be.  I brag about doing stupid things and then expect someone else to understand.  I’m going to wish I can manage to move on from this, but then again who am I kidding?  I have to focus on finding a job.  Everything else can wait.  I realize that and maybe I can eventually satisfy certain people.  It’s kind of sad that my grandma won’t see me become a success, but then again at least she doesn’t have to worry about me anymore.  I guess she died this morning, but with the way she acted towards me I guess it doesn’t really impact me that much.