Even though I have some difficulties and awkwardness my struggles aren’t as bad as this woman with cerebral palsy. She deals with it better than I would. I’m a weak person that gives up easily. Yes, I’m typing one handed on my laptop to blog, but that’s nothing. I’m a lazy son of a bitch who blows things out of whack. I’ll shut up now and post a video of Charisse.
As my current theme I’ll say what I’m listening to. Chiodos’ Devil.
I need to follow through with plans for once. It’s almost 2:00 a.m. and I’m too wide awake and anxious to sleep. I think I’ll just go somewhere and get something to eat. The only problem is that there are no stores open at this time so I’ll have to walk to a gas station. The problem with that is that the food there really isn’t something I should be eating before I get ready to sleep. I have to prioritize for once. Which means doing my shopping when it’s the correct time. Waiting for stores to close before doing food shopping isn’t using common sense. I have to do something in the morning, but with the way tonight’s shaping up that won’t be possible. I can’t sleep when I feel like this. I’m going to lay down and listen to music until I fall asleep. I just wish I contributed to something which is the main thing that’s causing my stress. There’s an Italian restaurant that’s looking for a dishwashing and I’m heading there this afternoon. I’d feel more comfortable going in person because I feel like I’d have a better shot in person. I just hope I don’t shoot myself in the foot which has been a recurring theme for me. I need to prepare myself for all the possible questions because you won’t get hired if you struggle with answering some questions. Especially if you’re doing with customers which obviously wouldn’t be the case with a dishwashing position.
When I get a job what will the next step be? I don’t really have any interests so the only benefit of having a job will being productive and earning a living at least somewhat. I know the importance of contributing to society because everyone feels that I’ll turn out exactly like my uncle who did end up killing himself last October. It doesn’t have an impact on me because of how feel about him, but it did have an impact on other people’s perception on me because they don’t want to see me go down that road. I don’t blame them in a way. I can’t be around other people until I change some things and even then I’ll still feel like an embarrassment. I have to distance myself from everyone because I have to live for myself and stop trying to please everyone else. I worry too much about how someone else sees me and I realize that. I want to be more independent. I know living here is a mistake and I should seriously consider looking for some kind of roommate, but I don’t trust anyone. I don’t want to get caught up in someone’s trouble. I don’t feel comfortable because of my sister’s boyfriend. He doesn’t like me and I don’t like the way he views other people. I don’t understand much because it feels like everyone’s arguing with someone. I’m on the receiving end of a lot of it. My father can’t stand me, but the feeling is mutual now. That is the only person I can truly hate. I’ve tried to open up to him, but I’m tired of getting put down by him. I bet he was happy I didn’t go to his mom’s funeral. I bet they all were. I would call my grandpa, but what’s the point in doing that? I know how he feels and he’s usually busy. Everyone has a life of their own. What do I have? Nothing, but I’m the only one to blame for that. I slacked off as a child and I’m continuing that as an adult and I use adult loosely. I’m self-centered and needy which really is not a great combination. I expect everyone to drop what they’re doing to attend to my own selfish needs and that has to stop. I’ll start by doing what needs to be done. Build a life worth living. It’s that simple. I can’t expect this kind of treatment for too much longer because everyone will run out of patience. I know I’d get upset if I saw someone that acted like I do. That’s the main reason why I avoid people as much as I do.
One Day At a Time 