I do have a thing against trigger warnings. If you’re willing to look for a video or picture about self-harm then why look for it on the internet? I do agree with a trigger warning if it’s unexpected though. That does happen from time to time, but I want people to stop putting trigger warnings whenever you are actively searching cutting media. It’s 2:43 am right now and I only had 3 hours of sleep last night. It looks like it’s going to be another rough night, but I think it’s because of stress and I’m not happy with a damn thing right now.
Tag: loneliness
This Isn’t Reinforcing the Behavior (It’s Something More Serious)
Some people think my blog is reinforcing my cutting. I have to disagree with that. If anything the thought of feeling like no one wants a damn to do with me is making me cut a whole lot more than posting about it in a rather pointless blog. I think it’s time to accept the fact that these thoughts will not go away anytime soon. My urges are very high and I have to fight it off until at least tomorrow. If the urges are still present in the morning then I might act on them. It really does feel like no one understands this. People do riskier and more dangerous things than I do and it’s the people who cut who are wrong and are forced to change our behavior. What about alcoholics and drug abusers? Is what they do any better? It feels like those behaviors are more acceptable and it’s disgusting and it feels like we’re being discriminated against. Even though I’m not against self-harm (obviously), but I do have to say one more thing. I recently saw a picture where it said that cutters are more courageous than those in the military. How stupid can that person be to think that? I guess I don’t have much room to talk so I might as well just shut the fuck up for the day.
Feeling Very Empty
I don’t know what I’ve been going through lately. I’m tired of feeling depressed and useless with self-harm urges. Everyone has my phone number now so if I am somewhere cutting I know for a fact someone will interfere. I can cut and work at the same time. I did it before and I can do it again. Yes, I may become a little weak, but I have to do what I feel like doing. Nobody has any ownership on me because I am my own person. I want to go somewhere, but I have to wait for a phone call. If I cut tomorrow will anyone know? I don’t know and maybe that would be for the best. I’m stressed because it feels like I have no purpose and no one on my side. I do not enjoy feeling like this at all anymore. It was fun in 2006, but not now.
Way Too Much Stress
I don’t know how much longer I can last. I’m stressed out and tired of the way things are. I feel like a waste of space and I doubt I’ll ever feel any different. I’ve been at my mom’s since Tuesday afternoon and I’m still here. If I don’t return then they’ll force me to go back and I can’t let that happen. It’s not that I prefer here to there, but I just don’t want to be there. I’m going to snap and it feels like my hearts going to burst out of my chest. I can’t force myself to socialize. Why are things like this now? Things haven’t been the same since that incident and the way I’ve been carrying myself proves it. I have no confidence. I just feel like laying down and I’m too stressed to eat. I need to figure out a way to relax and forget about things. At least for a couple of hours. These problems I’m dealing with are real though and I wish I could work up the courage to ask for help. I’d rather torture myself though. Why does everyone have to hate me? What have I done to deserve this?
I Need Plans
I guess it’s okay to not have plans for the weekend. I don’t know what to do anyways and I have no one to go anywhere with. I don’t know if my current living situation is holding me back or if this is just natural for me. How will stable housing fix the situation? What if I don’t get along with the people there? I’ll probably just end up getting kicked out by cutting myself. That always seems to be a trend for me and my independence.
Approaching 30 Next Month
I don’t talk to other people as much as I should. I guess that’s why I’m approaching 30 with no friends and no girlfriend. I can’t be too hard on myself though. At least I will live to be 30. That’s all I could ever hope for. That’s why I have to try harder to eliminate self-harm out of my life for good. What good is a 30 year old cutter? At least that’s what has been on my mind lately. I can do this! I have to for my own sanity.
Scars Make Me Self-Conscious
Someone in my situation doesn’t have that many choices. I’m stuck at my mom’s house because housing has been taken off of my treatment plan because some people don’t think I’d be able to live on my own without cutting. If only they knew I will be left alone on the weekdays. All I can do now is to prevent the options to harm myself with and move forward. Scars make me feel like crap so why make more?
Things Change, But I Don’t
It would be nice to have someone to talk to. I don’t talk to any family members on the phone anymore because they disapprove my life style. They think that by being upset with me that will solve all of my problems. That’s why I have to develop friendships and get out more. This will be extremely difficult for me, but I know I can do it. I’m not weak now like I was a week ago.
I Know I Can Fight This
I know self-harm isn’t something I should be doing. It’s my body though so technically I can do whatever I want to do to myself as long as it doesn’t include other people. That’s impossible for me to do because I hate feeling lonely more than anything. I do most of my cutting when I’m home alone so I can see where people’s concern are for me. I can fight this though! I know I can.
How I Really Feel
All I ever do is waste everyone’s time. I’m seriously at a loss right now. Not only am I taking my anger out on myself I am a fool as well. This cycle will never end for me though. How do I know that? Just look at the state my life is in. I fail socially and I’m not that well liked at work. I’m a joke and that’s all I’ll ever be. I’m better off dead. I know I shouldn’t say that, but that is how I feel.
One Day At a Time 