Pointless?

I’ve been thinking.  If I want a job the odds will be against me.  Think about it this way.  I need experience and if I can’t find a job how will I gain some experience?  It defeats the person.  I wish things were easier for me.  I hate working with somebody else to help me obtain a job, but I need someone fighting for me.  It appears I can’t sufficiently fend for myself for interviews.  How pathetic is that?  I just want to find easily without being considered retarded or something else.  I want to be more independent when it comes to that.  Finding a job is the most important thing for me and it should be.  I feel like a parasite.  Leeching off of the government because of my lackluster shortcomings.  Wish me luck I guess.  I’m going to need it.  

At Any Cost…

It’s 6:39 p.m. and that lazy bastard has still not left.  I’m tempted to get my money back and take care of it myself.  I don’t understand why no one can do anything for me, but I’m expected to jump for everyone else.  This is why I can’t rely on anyone else.  What I want doesn’t matter and it likely never will.  I want to be happy, but there is no point when nothing ever goes your way.  Why did I push so hard to get released?  The truth is that I wasn’t ready, but the boredom was getting to me.  I wish I knew what the future holds.  I’m confused because I hate where I am in life.  I don’t want to go “home”, but I don’t have a choice.  I wish family was an option, but everyone has given up on me and for good reason.  I should just do what I want to do and say oh well.  I’m annoyed and tired of being treated like shit all of the time.  I want to set up a poll, but those don’t go so well.  Not that I’ll take anyone’s opinions to heart.  All I care for is me.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I don’t even treat myself with respect.  Why would I when no one else does?  I’m listening to Younger Dreams by Our Last Night.  So far so good, but really I don’t have my hopes up on this album.  I want to listen to Between the Buried and Me’s album next, but why when I can’t even finish Senses Fail’s last album?  I added a whole bunch of stuff to my phone and I’ll choose Our Last Night for now.  I have to distract myself from how I’m thinking at any cost because I think I might be willing to lose everything.  I also want to thank someone for sticking by me lately even though she doesn’t know how to react to me.  I want to thank her for everything.

Happy To Be Out At Least

This will be a rough month, but I can’t force myself to go back.  There’s just no way.  I have 3 reasons why I can’t and I might as well explain how I truly feel about the place I was in.  The first reason is because being there was depressing.  I felt disconnected while I was there and I need to think about my future.  The next reason is I left and didn’t want to come back.  I was willing to risk everything just to get out as soon as possible.  I might as well say what the last reason is and this is perhaps the most important.  I didn’t like the food there and I’d rather starve than to eat that “food.”  I don’t know if things will change on that front though.  I’m frustrated because I don’t enjoy this lifestyle.  It feels like I don’t deserve anything good in my life and I hate the fact that I rely on everyone.