Why can’t I ever live in a stable household? I’ve been around this stuff growing up and I still have to be around this. I know I wish I could live in a stress free environment, but I have realistic expectations. I’m going to think about this all night. I need to find out why this kind of stuff happens. Then again I think I know. This is why I prefer to be alone than with company. Especially people who throw little tantrums over things that don’t matter. This family is full of junkies and irreverent people. This is not a good time to be feeling like this at all. My self-harm urges are high and I can’t sleep when I’m like this. I’ll just listen to some music and ignore everything else. I crave stability and really hate dysfunctional family. No one can ever tolerate each other and it’s a shame too. Too many hot-headed people and no one can think anything through. I’m the same way, but I’m self-destructive so it really only effects me. I don’t get anyone involved in my drama. That’s why I’m as secretive as I am. I can’t let anyone know what I’m doing.
Day: June 7, 2015
Better Things to Do
I’m going to blow off that appointment tomorrow afternoon. I don’t see a reason why I have to do it. Getting a new id card is my top priority. Really I just need to blow off some steam. I’m tired of people repeating the same thing repeatedly. If I heard it for the first couple of times it’s obvious I already know. Everyone expects me to listen to them, but no one ever listens to me for some reason. That’s why I get so annoyed easily.
I should stop combining topics like I do, but I have one more thing to say for the day. A doctor found inflammation in the back of my esophagus in 2013. When I don’t take anything for a couple of days I get this scratchy feeling in my throat. I don’t know if the two are connected in some way, but in a way I hope they are. I want it to get worse. Maybe this is the key to advancing things? I guess in a way. I just don’t know what it will feel like if it gets worse though. Since unofficially moving back in I’ve back pain and stomach pain twice. Maybe that will also get worse. It’s sad that I’m willing to make myself possibly sick just to go away for good.
I Can’t Change Him
I need to socialize more. If I find someone with similar interests I do then that should help me break out of this shell I’m in. I think I need actual human contact though. I need to look someone else in the face and actually be social for once. I am in a music group on Facebook, but I’m a little cautious in posting there. It’s actually a Deathcore group, but there are a couple of off-topic posts there. I’m willing to admit I’m the biggest deathcore fan, but there are a couple of Deathcore bands I enjoy listening to. I kind of wish I knew of any second hand music stores here. I’d love to work in one and maybe I’ll meet people who like the same things I do. It couldn’t hurt to try. I do wish I had some kind of musical ability. Even if I did I have poor memorization so that will be kind of pointless anyway. I’m going to leave when what I’m listening to is over. I have to get a stamp so I can mail my grandpa a letter. I haven’t had any contact with him since his ex died, but that’s not what I want to write to him. I miss him, but I know now’s not the time to see him. The same could be said for my dad. I think my dad is the one that’s the most disappointed in me and that’s understandable. I’m not who he wants me to be and I don’t know if I should feel guilty about that or not. I know he should accept me for who I am, but you can’t force someone to change. They’re going to want to change first. I guess the same could be said the same thing about me. I’m not cooperating and I have straighten eventually. I’m just not ready to give up self-harm and that’s regrettable. That’s the way things are though so all I can do is work towards building a future for myself. I’m the one that has to deal with the consequences so I should put my input above all other’s.
Those Forced Talks Annoy Me
I know what people are trying to do. I don’t like talking, but some people just like to come up to me and attempt to chat when I’m not interested. I shouldn’t push everyone away, but I don’t see any reason to change doing this. I’m not really upset at anyone, but I just don’t like the whole sympathy chat thing. I never did and I never will. I want to go to the store and get something so I can get away from a bit, but I’m cautious. I have a bloody towel in my backpack and I don’t want anyone going through my things and seeing it. I think it’s guaranteed that people here know what I’m doing. I guess that’s how that whole sympathy chatting thing comes from. If I want to talk I’ll come up to you or actually put forth an effort to listen. I don’t mean to sound rude, but I’m being truthful. Fuck my uncle and his problems. I shouldn’t let that influence me though. I know why he killed himself late last year and it’s because he watched his hoarding mother suffer. Hoarding cost her life and now because he chose to kill himself no one’s being honest with me. Anyone to go with the theme I’m listening to From Autumn to Ashes. I haven’t listened to them in months and I would love to see them in Chicago later this month. I need to find someone to go with and I want to experience another concert. Why? I loved the The Word Alive/ We Came as Romans show.
Music Is My Only Escape
I’m changing it up a little this morning. I’m listening to A Bullet for Pretty Boy right now and I might listen to From All Those Sleeping next. I’ve been really listening to Old Souls by Make Them Suffer and that is easily the album of the year so far for me.
That song in particular. I cry whenever I hear that song and I think it’s because of the piano. It could also be the woman’s voice, but I think that was a great way to close the album. Now all I have to do is come up with a plan for this week. Getting a new id card is my top priority, but I don’t know if I should do it tomorrow or Tuesday. If I do it tomorrow then people will get upset and say I’m avoiding them. I should be back before then. It’s bad enough because of what happened Wednesday. I don’t know why I keep letting things get built up. I’m not showing anyone that is was good to move back in. I’d rather feel like this than to feel like that. I don’t know if that makes sense, but that doesn’t solve the fact that this family would be better off without me.
Why Am I Doing This to Everyone?
I can’t live here. I’m causing stress to my family and I know they don’t want to see me like this. My uncle spoiled everything and now people are scared they might say the wrong thing. How did this come to be? Why did I think things would be different? I’d rather feel like this than how I felt before though. At least I’m free to do what I want. My brother doesn’t feel comfortable having his daughter here and my mom doesn’t look forward to being home on the weekends. My mom is here for the week though and I’m a little worried about that. I know I can’t get away with the stuff I’ve been doing and I think everyone might go up north Thursday. I look forward to the time being completely alone. It will test me and I hope I come through without incident. I know I should tag along, but I’m worried being around my aunt. I don’t want anyone else seeing how frail I look. I don’t even weigh 105 lbs. and I need to gain weight. I’m just not used to eating and I don’t like the feeling I get when I do eat. I know it will get better in time, but I don’t feel like I’m worthy enough for that. I can cook, but that also will take some getting used to. I’ve been craving tacos for a while now, but I still have yet to make some. I just want to eat simple things right now and when I feel better I’m going to make them. They’re easy to cook and I do enjoy making them.
Not a Fan of That
I don’t like being around other people that force their views upon you unwillingly. That’s the main reason why I refuse to comment on some things. Not that my views should have any effect on anyone anyways. The thing is that some Christians like to talk about the bible to you and you just nod along and pretend you know what they’re talking about. When I was at the afc house the person that owned the place told me I was a Mark 3. When he said that to me a couple of months ago I was curious to know what he meant by that and I couldn’t figure it out. I was just thinking about that and I did some more searching and I finally know what he meant. It’s cute of him to assume I knew what he was talking about since he knew I’m an Atheist. I know that no 2 people are exactly the same which is why I’m comfortable being around other people who think differently than me. I just don’t like being told what to do and the fact that I can only eat what I want to eat made things even more complicated. I wish I wasn’t such a picky eater, but that’s something I just can’t work on. The fact that I was living off of what I was in all the proof I need. I need to think about what I want out of life so I can live more independently. I guess that’s why I have to distance myself from all safe situations. If I get comfortable then I get stubborn. When I get stubborn I make stupid decisions. The fact that I was up all night which means a slow day ahead just pisses me off. I can’t deal with that. I just do not look forward to being up 24 hours. I’m just going to lay down and listen to some music.
One Day At a Time 