Confiscated

So the ER lost my birth certificate, social security card, and everything else necessary for my identification card.  It’s safe to say I pissed and I just got out of the hospital to find my razors gone from my backpack.  I went to my mom’s though and I found X-Acto blades.  Not my preferred method of cutting, but at least now I have the option since I’m extremely pissed off because it feels like no one gives a damn about.  I feel like an embarrassment to society right now and I’m tired of being treated like shit.  I have an appointment Monday at 1:30 and I doubt that appointment, but it’s something I have to do.  On the bright side my court order has been reduced from a year to the initial 90 days so it ends September 14 of this year.  That means I can put in my 30 day notice at the group home on the 15th of the next month.  I’m happy about that then I can cut to my heart’s content.

My Experience at the Rickman

How does someone that isn’t outgoing learn how to socialize in such an environment?  I just don’t understand it.  I’m miserable there and I feel like there is nobody I can relate to.  I just feel special right now.  My case worker at the time recommended that I go to a group home because I’m not a social person, but that hasn’t helped me at all.  I stay in my room all day and barely ever socialize.  I just want to actually live on my own for the first time in my life.

Staying at the Rickman isn’t all bad.  They hold onto my meds for me so I won’t overdose on them again.  It’s starting to get a little more comfortable asking for my meds.  I think that I’m finally starting to feel comfortable around the staff more.  Even though I feel like they’re scared of me.  I can appear to have a very unstable personality, but that just isn’t true.  Why are people always judging me?

My Future Depends on It

I don’t care what anyone else says.  I am ready to live on my own!  I know that I have done things to myself, but I’m not in any danger.  I feel better about myself and I have no urges to kill myself.  I still want to cut myself though.  Just because I want to continue cutting doesn’t mean that I can’t live on my own.  It’s not like I’m capable of doing any real harm to myself.  I don’t understand why people are concerned for me.

When I sit here and think about my past I get depressed.  I want to live on my own, but people don’t trust me enough to live on my own.  I have to earn everyone’s trust back somehow.  I’ll do that by taking my meds as prescribed and reduce the suicidal gestures and self-harming behavior.  Giving me a week’s supply of pills at a time won’t change other people’s opinions of me.  It will just make people assume that they can control me.  That’s why I have to live on my own before I get sent to a group home.  My freedom depends on it.

I’ve Almost Made My Decision

I’m getting closer to coming up with my decision.  All I have to do is call my case worker and tell her what I want.  Going to a group home scares me, but I think that is the best solution to my housing issue.  I just want to be on my own for the first time in my life even if it means loss of freedom.  I’ve never been to a group home and I think I have to find out what one is like.  Will a group home actually suit me though?  I doubt it, but I don’t have a choice.

I’m questioning my decision though.  I know why people go to them though and I guess my history of harming myself may make me end up in one.  I want to say that is all behind me, but I still have the temptation to harm myself.  This is going to cause me problems if I don’t gain any control of my thoughts.  I do have control of my actions though.  Actions are easier to control than thoughts.  At least I know that.