My Online Journal

Another Dream

jmh83 — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:53:08 +0000

I had another dream about self-harm last night. I don’t know why I can’t get cutting out of my head. It feels like my mind is teasing me. I want to give it up, but what’s the point if it’s always on my mind? I need to relate anger and frustration in different ways and then maybe this will end. Why do I have these dreams though? That is something that will never change. All I can do is forget about these dreams I’m having.

So Much Bad News in One Week

jmh83 — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 18:13:56 +0000

I don’t know what to feel right now. There is so much damn betrayal in my family and I can’t wait to get out and start a new life for myself. I’m going to distance the problem people and not look back. All I know is that my family makes me angry. Why is it so hard for people to get along? That’s why I need to distance myself from the situation. Moving out on my way doesn’t seem like a mistake anymore. This has to be done so I don’t lose it.

I Can’t Wait

jmh83 — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 17:07:46 +0000

So, it appears that I’m closing to be going to an afc home. I know that this is temporary. I have to keep telling myself that because I don’t want this to be long-term. When I’m finally ready to live on my own again I’d be so happy. I really do want this to end. It’s only a matter of time before I find a job and that is the next step. There’s no point in living on my own again if I’m jobless because that will just trigger my boredom and self-harm.

I Wish I Could Thank Everyone That Has Helped Me

jmh83 — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 17:20:14 +0000

One life ended on that day and a new was created in it’s place. I feel like a new person. Even though I am depressed I haven’t been thinking about cutting. I just ask myself one question when I have the urge to cut. How will self-injury improve the situation? That’s what’s helping me get through this and I have to thank everyone that I have worked with. I wouldn’t be where I am today without their help.

I Hate Mood Swings

jmh83 — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 18:33:26 +0000

Now I’m back to feeling depressed again. I don’t understand these cycles that my mind plays on me and I likely never will. All I know is that I have to use whatever’s left to fight these thoughts and feelings. I won’t let my bpd control me. Doing that will just make me have more ER visits and I don’t need that. I’ve been coping pretty well lately at least. I just want this bpd to go away and never return, but that’s asking for too much.

Should Finding a Job Be My Next Priority?

jmh83 — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:58:54 +0000

It’s time to get serious about finding a job. It feels like I’m wasting my life away and a job should help me with my priorities. I’m scared though. What would happen if I got fired? Look for another job to get fired from and then my chances of finding another job would be slim. I can’t let myself become trapped like that. Doing that will just hurt my chances of moving forward in life. That’s why it’s time to move forward.

Distraction Is Working

jmh83 — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 20:27:22 +0000

I’ve been distracting myself lately. At least it’s working because I finally feel a whole bunch better. The urges to cut have gone away and I feel like a new person. It’s more than just medication. I’m finally applying what I’ve learned from DBT to real-life situations. It’s only a matter of time before I find true happiness because feeling depressed is not for me. I’m an adult and its’ time to act like one for once. This has been a long time coming.

I’ve Made My Decision

jmh83 — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 01:40:29 +0000

I have to make a decision. Continue cutting or somehow convince myself that I don’t need it anymore. I’ll just say what my therapist says. How does cutting improve the situation? That’s what’s keeping me from cutting right now. I’m so much stronger than these urges. That’s why I’ve decided to abandon self-harm. I can do this! I have to keep telling myself this because I can’t allow my depression rule my life anymore.

No One Understands

jmh83 — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 16:53:54 +0000

No one understands how I’m feeling. It’s easy to say that they understand, but it’s all a lie. I’m tired of feeling this way, but I’m powerless to do anything about it. My doctor is making a major med change and I’m hoping that it works. I know medication isn’t everything because it also depends on my effort. I will succeed. I need to remind myself that because I can’t allow myself to become that person I hate.

What Do I Have to Live For?

jmh83 — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 16:42:35 +0000

I don’t know how I’m feeling right now. I just woke up and I know that I need to do more. I’m just too lazy to do anything though. I know this isn’t healthy, but I’ll work up the strength to do more. I just need some more time to think about my next goal. I’ll be working with someone to help me find a part-time job so that’s a start. I need a job badly! That will happen when the time is right though. I just need to be patient….