I have to make some changes. I’m not happy with the life I’m living anymore. Everyday is the same. What can I do about this? What will motivate me? I don’t know. I also know I have to learn on my social skills. How will I ask a woman out if I don’t try? I know what to do. I just don’t know how to do it. I’m tired of feeling helpless. I need to work on my self-esteem also. I have so much to work on, but I don’t want to overwhelm myself.
I’m beginning to regret myself. I can’t help either. I’m not satisfied because I always have to play it safe. What I’m doing is surviving. That’s different than living. At least that’s what my DBT therapist told me. I have every right to question my judgment lately. What can I do to make me feel better? Quit my dead end job? What will that do? Make Me lazy again? I need a job! It’s that easy. Without a job I’m nothing.
I’m tired of this. I have a life to live and people in this family expect to stop what I’m doing just because they want me to do something for them. I have to work so I can’t babysit. Is it that hard to understand? Apparently it is. I want out of here so badly. An afc house has to be better than this. At least I’ll get some much needed privacy. I’m just annoyed. I’ll feel better as the day drags on.
I’m trying to try something different. I stumbled upon this picture on Facebook a couple days ago and I finally saved it to my computer. I really do like this picture because I do want a mountain lion. I don’t think you can keep one as a pet in Michigan. I could be wrong, but I’m not counting on it. I find this picture to be entertaining. I don’t know why I find this picture to be so amusing. It could be because I have a soft spot for felines.
Yes, the person shouldn’t have read my notes to me, but how can anyone say I didn’t make an effort? I was troubled 4 years ago. I’m willing to admit that. I was in a place I didn’t want to be in because I had trouble with someone there. I wasn’t happy! If things were different I would have made more of an effort. I know I’m not willing to do DBT because I honestly believe I won’t learn anything from the program. I have difficulty in group situations anyways. I have made so much progress and I can tell by how my blog is changing. I don’t want to censor myself though. That’s why I’ll keep the negative posts up and hope that my negative ones won’t receive all of the traffic and likes.
I finally got around to delete that picture. I shouldn’t be bragging and support cutting. Now I don’t know whether I should delete the entire post or leave it up and hope erasing the picture won’t give it much traffic. I might as well erase the others. If they are others anyways. This is something that had to be done. Promoting self-injury will make me kind of a hypocrite. It’s something I shouldn’t be doing, but it’s a hard habit to stop. That’s why I just take it a day at a time. I will stop eventually. I just wish I was strong enough to end it permanently.
What am I getting out of life? Everyday is just a pointless rehash of the previous day. It’s sad to admit that. What do I have to hide? Life seems like a waste of time right now and I’m hoping that changes soon because I don’t deserve to feel like this. No one does. I’m not suffering though and that’s a pretty good way to look at things. There are people who have it far worse than I do. I have to keep reminding myself that. I’m a selfish, cold person still though. I don’t like being judgmental, but some people make it so easy.