•February 9, 2010 •
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I already miss my brother. Why can’t I just let him know? Am I scared that he would not let me stay with him? I know he doesn’t really have the room for me and he has a family to take care, but I’d rather stay with him than where I’m staying at right now. Am I being selfish? Staying at the Rickman is stressing me out. I don’t want to be there anymore. I just want to get out of there as soon as possible.
I think that I enjoyed myself too much. That explains why I’m feeling the way I am right now. I really did enjoy myself though. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while. Does he feel the same way? Why did he allow me to stay at his for the night? Does he blame himself for the way I acted in the past? It’s not his fault! It’s mine. I should have been stronger then none of this would ever happen.
Posted in family, my life
Tags: blame, brother, coward, enjoyment, family, fun, missing, selfishness, sleepover, stress
•February 8, 2010 •
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I had fun at my brothers. Maybe a little too fun. I want to live with him. He’s the most stable out of all of my siblings, but he has a family to look after. He doesn’t need me around. I miss him though. I look at him like he’s my father because my real father is a deadbeat. I hate him so much! I’ll never talk to him ever again, but I think that is what he wants. I just wanted to mention how much respect I have for my brother because he is important to me.
Posted in family, my life
Tags: brother, dads, family, fathers, love, siblings, sleepover
•February 6, 2010 •
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Even though I stopped cutting myself the urge to do it still exists. Why do I have to think about it so badly? I just don’t get it. I just want to get those thoughts out of my head. I don’t know if that’s possible though. I can always hope though. I guess that is all I can do about this situation. How pathetic is this? I just want to get over it already! Will that ever happen?
Posted in self-injury
Tags: cutting, hope, self-harm, self-injury, thoughts, urges
•February 5, 2010 •
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I was looking at some of my older posts and I have changed. I’m more positive and I feel like I’m finally starting to build a life that’s worth living. Now all I have to do is meet my match and find a job. Those are going to be hard to get, but I won’t get discouraged. Changing for the good is hard work though. It’s not going to be easy. I can make this change though. I know I can.
Why is change so important to me? Well, I want to be a happier person. I’m tired of putting myself down all of the time. I feel powerless at times. What good is change when people won’t accept you anyway? It’s those kinds of thoughts that I have to ignore. I don’t want to relapse and end up in a situation that I’d regret later. Is that why I’m serious about change?
Posted in blog, change, my life
Tags: anxiety, blog, discouragement, employment, happiness, job, life, love, match, negativity, powerless, relapse, serious, worth
•February 5, 2010 •
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No one understands how difficult this is for me. My family thinks that this change will happen overnight. This is, and will always, be a hard fight. The urge to self-injure is still here and I wish that it would just go away. I can’t give in though. Recovery is too important to me. I know that I’ll find my way eventually. This is just so difficult though. Will I relapse? Am I in danger?
Posted in change, my life, recovery, self-injury
Tags: change, cutting, difficulty, fight, lost, recovery, relapse, self-harm, self-injury, understanding, urges
•February 4, 2010 •
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What does it mean to have parasuicidal behaviors? Does it mean that I want to live or does it mean that I want to die? I do know one thing though. I have to stop making suicidal gestures. That will get me nowhere. It will only make things more difficult for me and that’s something that I don’t need. I just feel lost right now. I want to cut, but at the same time I want to see how long I can go without cutting myself. Am I truly finished with cutting myself? I doubt it.
Posted in my life, self-injury, suicidal gestures
Tags: behaviors, cutting, death, doubts, gestures, life, parasuicidal, self-harm, self-injury
•February 4, 2010 •
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Self-injury isn’t the only problem. I have the urge to overdose as well. I’m not going to act out on my urges though. It’s time to grow up. I hate this so much! Why do I still act like a child? Is it because no one taught me how to be an adult? I don’t think that’s something that’s learnable though. The sad truth is this. I act like a 26 year old child. It’s time to grow up.
Posted in immaturity, my life
Tags: cutting, immaturity, overdose, self-harm, self-injury, truth, urges
•February 3, 2010 •
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Something in me changed. I can’t describe it. It’s been a month since I last cut myself and the urge is controllable now. I don’t understand it. Why have I changed so drastically? Is it because of therapy or is it because I don’t want to lose control again? I think that it’s the latter. I can’t describe how afraid I am right now. Will I revert back to the person that I hate being?
Posted in change, my life, self-injury
Tags: change, control, cutting, fear, self-harm, self-hatred, self-injury, therapy, understanding
•February 2, 2010 •
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Faith. I don’t believe in religion, but I have faith in myself. I used to be religious. I just gave up on that though. I don’t know how my faith in God faded, but I’m not complaining. I think that it’s better to live life like this. No God, no Devil, and no afterlife. I think that suits me. I’m still curious about death though. I want to know how it feels like to die. Maybe that will put things into perspective.
Posted in my life, religion
Tags: suicide?, death, faith, curiousity, atheist, god, devil, fade, afterlife, perspective
•February 2, 2010 •
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Even though I don’t have a reason to wake up in the morning I’m happy to be alive. I’m still searching for a job and I have faith in myself. I have to have some. I’m not going to give up on this. My life will be where I want it to be. I just have to be more patient. Things won’t change for me overnight. I have to be patient. Everything will be where I want it to be. I just have to be patient.
Posted in employment, my life
Tags: change, employment, faith, job, life, mornings, patience