In October of last year people kept commenting how pale I looked. So I chose to get some blood work done. When I woke up the next morning I was forcibly taken to the hospital. I found out that my hemoglobin was 5.9 and forced to have a blood transfusion. I know that possibly saved my life, but it wasn’t effecting me. After the transfusion was finished I got some tests done. After the tests the hospital wanted to check my stomach which meant that I was put to sleep and I had to wear something in my mouth so I wouldn’t bite down on the tube they put inside of me. They found some inflammation in my esophagus which means that I have officially been diagnosed with esophagitis. I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking medication for it. I’m tired of taking those pills twice a day.
Since I’ve been on Remeron Wednesday I’m actually sleeping again. I feel so relieved that I found something that works. It’s better than falling asleep past 2 am. I’m meeting with a psychiatrist Tuesday morning so I have to tell him it actually works. I’m fighting to stay awake right now. After posting this I’m going to sleep. I’m also not filling out any job applications until Monday. It’s just worth it and I’m begging to question whether I ever find a job.
I called Taco Bell today to tell them that I’m using them as a reference. My manager said it was okay. I filled a Jimmy Johns application yesterday and I really liked how they went into complete detail. They had a list of job experience list and I clicked restaurant experience 1-2 years. I then clicked on a job title and checked everything I did at Taco Bell. If I do get a job at Jimmy Johns then I’d be doing the same thing as I was doing at my previous job. I’m not going to fill out any job applications today. I did go to Wal-Mart to get a winter coat and hat at least. I’m prepared for the weather outside and I’m ready to go out and fill applications in person. I have all weekend to prepare myself.
I accomplished so much today. I went to Social Security in the morning and when I returned home I filled a Costco application online. I also cashed a check to buy a winter coat and filled out some applications when I got home. Tomorrow I have to call someone to check on a cd I ordered and I have to contact my former manager. I can find a job. I just wish I knew how long it would take me to get hired. I’m tired of this disappointment.
It feels like I make one mistake after another. I’m trying to turn things around, but I keep falling on my face. What am I doing wrong? I have to get back on my feet! I can only apply for jobs online because of transportation. Once I get a job then everything should improve. I need a job interview. It might take a while for that to happen unfortunately. I’m fighting to resist my thoughts and that’s all that matters. It feels like giving in is the only way to cope at the moment.
It feels like my life drifting out of control. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I feel trapped. It’s time to get serious about finding a job. It has to be reasonably close though. Finding a job should make me feel a little bit better. If I don’t find a job sometime soon then that will just feel like I’m wasting my time. I need someone to talk to about this. I can’t keep going on unless life changes for the better.