How Will I Meet Her?

•July 29, 2014 • 1 Comment

What am I so afraid of?  I have a lot to offer.  I’m not giving myself a chance though.  How will I find a girlfriend with me being so shy?  I wish I could work up the courage to ask a woman out.  I’m scared of rejection so I don’t make an effort.  I have to fix this!  I’m 30 years old so this is important.  I don’t enjoy being single anymore.  It’s not too late though.  I can do this.  I just need to become confident.  What do I have to offer?  I know I’m a nice person, but is that enough?  I want to find someone that’s very similar to me.  How will I meet her though?

People Are Countine On Me

•July 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

People believe in me.  They want me to stop cutting.  I can’t make that commitment though.  I’m not ready.  I just don’t want to let anyone down.  I also have to do this treatment plan on Friday and if I do end up self-harming then I’ll have to explain to my case worker and I don’t want to do that.  I could always lie, but then she will have me prove that I didn’t cut.  So either way I can’t do it.  I let everyone else influence my behavior out of fear.  I really don’t want anyone to get upset with me because I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with it.

Dropping Treatment Soon?

•July 27, 2014 • 5 Comments

No one still knows what drove me to start cutting.  It has to do with how everyone treats me.  I feel more isolated now than ever.  Even before I started treatment.  That’s why I’m thinking of stopping treatment.  No one wants anything to do with me anyways.  I’m all alone and I hate it.  What can I do about it though?  I’m tired of making an effort so I might as well give up.  It won’t be an easy things= to do, but I’ll manage.  I always seem to in the end.  Is this a wise move?  Is there any cause for concern?  Will my case worker like it when I stop working with her?  At least she won’t have me to bother anymore.

Done With Struggling

•July 27, 2014 • 1 Comment

I struggle.  I struggled when I was young and I struggle now.  I have a dead end job and no friends.  No one wants anything to do with me.  It would be nice to get a phone call from someone so it shows that at least one person cares.  No one will do that though.  That’s asking for too much.  What have I done that’s so wrong?  I don’t understand it at all.  It’s kind of disappointing that all of my old friends have changed and grown up while I stayed the same.  At least I graduated high school even though I was an outcast back then.  It was difficult, but at least I can I graduated without help!

School Transcript?

•July 27, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I’ve been thinking about requesting my school transcript.  I don’t know if I should do that because I don’t want to feel worse about myself than I already do.  I’m not stupid!  I just didn’t make an effort.  I don’t know what was wrong with me back then up to 2 years ago.  Am I finally changing?!  I don’t think so, but I can dream.  Now it’s time to look for a job that suits me better even though I don’t want to ask for the money to buy dress clothes.  I don’t want to bother anyone.  That’s why I haven’t called anyone in weeks.

Knowledge Is Depressing

•July 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I went to summer school because I was one F short of redoing 8th grade.  If anyone finds out about that then they will make a case that I have Asperger’s.  Even with my parents I get the same feeling as well.  I’m trapped and I don’t know what to do.  Is that the cause of my problems recently?  Did that person have the right to tell me everything?  I don’t know because in the end I’m clueless.  I try so hard to be intelligent and I fail every time.  What’s the point of continuing with treatment?  It’s nice to know what everyone says about me behind my back.  Knowing everything is just depressing.

Pre-Treatment?

•July 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

It’s safe to say that this depression of mine isn’t going to go away anytime soon.  Even on medication I still feel depressed.  Is there something I’m doing wrong?  I don’t know.  All I know is that 2006 is coming again.  The difference?  I have a job and I guess that’s pretty much it.  I hate feeling like this.  What can I do about it though?  Continue going on as everything’s fine?  I don’t think I can do that.  Especially since I have to make an effort.  That’s not it either.  It feels like I have no support.  No one wants anything to do with me.  Not even my case worker wants anything to do with me.  I hate feeling this way!

 
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