I Should’ve Been Stronger

I already miss my brother.  Why can’t I just let him know?  Am I scared that he would not let me stay with him?  I know he doesn’t really have the room for me and he has a family to take care, but I’d rather stay with him than where I’m staying at right now.   Am I being selfish?  Staying at the Rickman is stressing me out.  I don’t want to be there anymore.  I just want to get out of there as soon as possible.

I think that I enjoyed myself too much.  That explains why I’m feeling the way I am right now.  I really did enjoy myself though.  It was the most fun I’ve had in a while.  Does he feel the same way?  Why did he allow me to stay at his for the night?  Does he blame himself for the way I acted in the past?  It’s not his fault!  It’s mine.  I should have been stronger then none of this would ever happen.

He’s Very Important to Me

I had fun at my brothers.  Maybe a little too fun.  I want to live with him.  He’s the most stable out of all of my siblings, but he has a family to look after.  He doesn’t need me around.  I miss him though.  I look at him like he’s my father because my real father is a deadbeat.  I hate him so much!  I’ll never talk to him ever again, but I think that is what he wants.  I just wanted to mention how much respect I have for my brother because he is important to me.

I Just Want to Get Over It

Even though I stopped cutting myself the urge to do it still exists.  Why do I have to think about it so badly?  I just don’t get it.  I just want to get those thoughts out of my head.  I don’t know if that’s possible though.  I can always hope though.  I guess that is all I can do about this situation.  How pathetic is this?  I just want to get over it already!  Will that ever happen?

Undergoing a Serious Change

I was looking at some of my older posts and I have changed.  I’m more positive and I feel like I’m finally starting to build a life that’s worth living.  Now all I have to do is meet my match and find a job.  Those are going to be hard to get, but I won’t get discouraged.  Changing for the good is hard work though.  It’s not going to be easy.  I can make this change though.  I know I can.

Why is change so important to me?  Well, I want to be a happier person.  I’m tired of putting myself down all of the time.  I feel powerless at times.  What good is change when people won’t accept you anyway?  It’s those kinds of thoughts that I have to ignore.  I don’t want to relapse and end up in a situation that I’d regret later.  Is that why I’m serious about change?

Recovery Is Hard Work

No one understands how difficult this is for me.  My family thinks that this change will happen overnight.  This is, and will always, be a hard fight.  The urge to self-injure is still here and I wish that it would just go away.  I can’t give in though.  Recovery is too important to me.  I know that I’ll find my way eventually.  This is just so difficult though.  Will I relapse?  Am I in danger?

What Do Suicidal Gestures Mean?

What does it mean to have parasuicidal behaviors?  Does it mean that I want to live or does it mean that I want to die?  I do know one thing though.  I have to stop making suicidal gestures.  That will get me nowhere.  It will only make things more difficult for me and that’s something that I don’t need.  I just feel lost right now.  I want to cut, but at the same time I want to see how long I can go without cutting myself.  Am I truly finished with cutting myself?  I doubt it.

The Sad Truth

Self-injury isn’t the only problem.  I have the urge to overdose as well.  I’m not going to act out on my urges though.  It’s time to grow up.  I hate this so much!  Why do I still act like a child?  Is it because no one taught me how to be an adult?  I don’t think that’s something that’s learnable though.  The sad truth is this.  I act like a 26 year old child.  It’s time to grow up.

One Life Ended (And Another One Began)

Something in me changed.  I can’t describe it.  It’s been a month since I last cut myself and the urge is controllable now.  I don’t understand it.  Why have I changed so drastically?  Is it because of therapy or is it because I don’t want to lose control again?  I think that it’s the latter.  I can’t describe how afraid I am right now.  Will I revert back to the person that I hate being?

Faith

Faith.  I don’t believe in religion, but I have faith in myself.  I used to be religious.  I just gave up on that though.  I don’t know how my faith in God faded, but I’m not complaining.  I think that it’s better to live life like this.  No God, no Devil, and no afterlife.  I think that suits me.  I’m still curious about death though.  I want to know how it feels like to die.  Maybe that will put things into perspective.

I Am Happy to Be Alive

Even though I don’t have a reason to wake up in the morning I’m happy to be alive.  I’m still searching for a job and I have faith in myself.  I have to have some.  I’m not going to give up on this.  My life will be where I want it to be.  I just have to be more patient.  Things won’t change for me overnight.  I have to be patient.  Everything will be where I want it to be.  I just have to be patient.