I want to push myself through this. I don’t know if I’m capable. It would be easy to take the easy way out. I won’t give up on this. I just can’t. Something does need to change though. How can I make those changes? Am I capable of turning my life around before it’s too late? I have to be! Look at all of what I put myself through and say I’m a weak person. I’ll feel better eventually. At least that’s what I keep telling myself.
I’m very bored today. This is starting to get to me. I don’t understand why I’m content with wasting my life away. I really hate feeling this way. Maybe I’ll figure out something later this week. I don’t know how much of this I can take. This pressure will continue to build until I make necessary changes. How can I make the necessary changes though? Nothing interests me right now. I have doubts as to how to solve this critical problem. As long as I escape this day selfharm free I’d be happy because I did end up cutting last night though. Is that why I feel like this?
I should be dead. It’s almost the 8th anniversary of when I almost bled to death. I want to continue where I left off, but I’m scared. I don’t know why death scares me now. Especially with the fact that I’m still a cutter. I have to bring this up to my therapist on Monday. I have to discuss this with someone. Will she help me cope with these thoughts? I hope she can because I hate feeling so helpless. I have to learn how to love myself somehow.
I really don’t know what to do. My future is unpredictable. I just want to give in to this depression of mine. I can’t do that because I have to fight through. That will be difficult, but I’ll manage. I always seem to. I just want to feel happy for once. I deserve that. What will bring me joy? I guess that gives me something to think about for today. I know things will improve eventually. I’m confused and lost. I find no joy in activities I used to enjoy.