I’m confused. I know I have to build a life that’s worth living, but at the same I time I say what’s the point? I have to figure things out and get my life back on track. That will be difficult and at least I understand something. My arm is still sore when I move it so I kind of learned my lesson by as far as cutting goes. I’m not saying I’ll never do it again because I might start up again when my arm heals. Why wait until then? I’m getting my stitches removed late next week and I don’t want new cuts getting mixed up with old ones.
I want to take a shower. I just don’t want to mess with my arm. I’m going to assume it’s okay. That’s why I’m going to take one as soon as the music I’m listening to is over. Maybe a shower will help me feel better as well! Anything’s better than cutting and getting scared of the fact that I’m cutting deeper than ever and I do not want to be admitted psychologically. That’s what was going to happen yesterday, but I convinced everyone that I was going to be safe. Now I’m pretty much on probation and one more e.r. visit might result in a hospitalization which scares me.
I thought I was going to bleed out while I was in the emergency room yesterday. I haven’t bled that heavy in years. No wonder why my hemoglobin was so low. I have to be more careful, but since I don’t really have any control it’s in my best interest to temporarily stop cutting. I need to let myself heal anyways. Who knows how long that’s going to take? I need to start taking better care of myself before I do something that’s irreversible.
My arm is still sore. I can’t use that as an excuse though. I have to continue moving forward whether I want to or not. Is this why death is so important to me? Do I really want to give up? I don’t know. I have to find reasons to live. Even if it’s something simple. I don’t need to find some life-changing event. What am I doing?! That’s the question of the day.
I’m back home. Something tells me I should have just let what was going to happen happen. I can’t do that though because I don’t want to give up. I have every right to be upset with myself. I let things get out of control and why? Just so I can miss a day of work? Now I don’t know what I’m going to do. I still have a job to go return to, but I can tell my manager’s patience is wearing thin and I don’t blame her. I would feel the same way.
Here I am again. When will I learn? It’s time to make a commitment! No more self-harm. My hemoglobin was 7.2 and I’m going to cut myself to death. It’s a bad way to die. It takes a commitment. I don’t know if I want to stop though. Am I ready? I will be eventually. I just need to stop being so hard on myself. This is not a great way to live. It’s a way to accidentally die. It takes this to learn a lesson. How sad is that?