Why Am I So Depressing?

Nobody close to me in life knows what it’s like to be a cutter.  Even though I experience guilt now I might continue doing it.  I don’t even know why I cut myself anymore.  My life is pretty good right now.  There are 2 changes that I’d like to make though.  I need a girlfriend and a job.  It’s that simple.  This loneliness is killing me!  Is that why I’m so depressing?

What came first?  The cutting or the music?  I don’t remember anymore.  I think that I turned to music after I started to cut myself, but I could be wrong.  I’m finally starting to understand myself and how I react to challenges.  Music has helped me and I couldn’t envision life without my mp3 player.  It’s that important to me!  At least something is important to me.  Why am I like this?

It’s Been Over a Year Now

I’ve been on medication for about a year and a half now.  I’m definitely a different person and I have to thank the doctors that helped me out.  I’ve learned alot about myself and I finally think clearly for the first time in years.  It’s been a long time since I had thoughts like this.  Anybody can see the progress that I’ve made.  I do feel like a completely new person.  So I will say this.  Thank you to all of the people that helped me with my problems.  I wouldn’t be where I am today without your help.

I Don’t Mean It

Am I manipulative?  It’s true that I make suicidal gestures out of desperation, but I don’t think that I try to manipulate people in my family.  I just don’t get it.  Why am I never happy with where I am in life?  I’m always putting myself down!  It’s not too late to change though.  I have to learn how to handle stress better.  That means no more cutting!  I know that I’ve said this before, but I’m finished with cutting myself.  It just creates more guilt and that is something that I don’t need.

Doubts

Is there another woman out there for me?  I doubt it.  I can’t give up hope yet.  I have to remain confident.  All I have to do is expose myself enough and I should meet someone new.  That’s what has to be done.  Am I asking for too much and am I too selective?  It’s true that I’m looking for a specific personality, but skin color is not important to me at all.  I just want to meet a woman that I’m compatible with.  Am I asking for too much?

An Addiction

My name is Jeff Harrison and I cut myself.  I don’t do it for attention and I’m not in any emotional crisis.  It’s an addiction that I don’t know how to quit.  It’s been days since I last cut myself and the urge has almost disappeared.  I still think about it though.  I can’t help it either.  I know that I could do more productive things, but I love the sight of my own blood.  The more blood I lose when I cut myself the better.

I have decided that it’s time to get out more.  That should help me with the urge to self-injure and I might meet someone new.  It’s time to find out if I fit in anyway.  I know that I’m down on myself, but how can I change?  I’m not satisfied with my appearance, but it’s a symbol of how I feel about myself.  I can’t cut myself anymore.  My arms are fucked up enough.  How can I explain my scars to someone else and not feel ashamed?

I’m Lonely Again

I doubt that I’ll ever meet someone.  I feel like such an outcast.  I don’t fit in anywhere.  I’m lonely and depressed.  Is there another woman out there for me?  I guess it’s up to me to find one.  That’s why I’ve decided that I’m going to go out more.  That’s why I’ve decided to go to Best Buy and pick up a cd today.  I know that I won’t meet a woman on my way there and back, but at least I’ll be exposing myself.

Nobody Understands Me (I Don’t Even Understand Myself)

No one understands me and my addiction to cutting.  I know that it’s a hard thing to understand, but why can’t anyone just help me out?  I don’t get it.  Can’t my family see how hard this is for me?  My family doesn’t care about me though.  They let me waste 3 years of my life feeling sorry for myself.  I could die right now and nobody would care.  Who would show up to my funeral? 

I don’t understand why I cut myself.  I don’t really have any serious problems and life has been going pretty well recently even though I do have a problem with my checking account.  I gave up on that though.  I fucked that up badly.  Just another mistake I’ve made.  Why can’t I be more responsible?  Is something wrong with me and my decision making?

What Woke Me Up

I fell in love in with someone in a hospital and my feelings for her made me realize that how I’ve been living was all wrong.  I don’t want to be alone anymore.  If I could meet another woman like Erin I’d be really happy.  Is there another Erin though?  There has to be a woman equivilant of me somewhere.  I’m tired of being alone.  If I had known her last name that would make it possible for me to find her.  I don’t know it though.  Another missed opportunity for me.

I woke up that day.  It made me realize that I’ve been living life all wrong.  What will make my dad wake up though?  I really want to talk to him, but I hate his attitude.  He’s a grouchy man and I just want him to be nice.  Can’t he see how important he is to me?  I doubt that he’ll care though.  He just wants to be left alone.  I won’t give him what he wants though.

I Don’t Need Anybody’s Help!

I can’t keep letting my family make my decisions for me.  I have my own mind so I can make my own decisions.  Is that asking for too much?  I don’t think so.  Why can’t I ever stand up for myself?  Is it a self-esteem issue?  I have to tell my grandma that I don’t need her help.  I don’t want to make her angry at me though.  I don’t know what to do.  Should I just tell everyone to butt out of my business?

My grandma wants me to go to college.  I know that she wants the best for me, but I don’t need her help.  I don’t even know what I want to do for a living and I don’t know what to study for.  My grandma wants me to do something with computers, but I have a terrible history with computer classes.  I’m just not any good at it.  I’ll come up with a decision any day now.  I have to do all of this on my own.

What’s Wrong With Me?

I successfully fought the urge to cut myself.  I used some distract skills and they worked wonderfully.  Now the urge to self-injure is gone and I’m happy right now.  I’m such a strong person.  Why do I have to injure myself anyway?  It seems like no emotion triggers it anymore.  It’s more of an addiction.  I’m addicted to the chemicals that are released and it’s more than a mental urge.  I get this feeling in my arm if I haven’t cut myself recently.  What’s wrong with me?