What am I so afraid of? I have a lot to offer. I’m not giving myself a chance though. How will I find a girlfriend with me being so shy? I wish I could work up the courage to ask a woman out. I’m scared of rejection so I don’t make an effort. I have to fix this! I’m 30 years old so this is important. I don’t enjoy being single anymore. It’s not too late though. I can do this. I just need to become confident. What do I have to offer? I know I’m a nice person, but is that enough? I want to find someone that’s very similar to me. How will I meet her though?
People believe in me. They want me to stop cutting. I can’t make that commitment though. I’m not ready. I just don’t want to let anyone down. I also have to do this treatment plan on Friday and if I do end up self-harming then I’ll have to explain to my case worker and I don’t want to do that. I could always lie, but then she will have me prove that I didn’t cut. So either way I can’t do it. I let everyone else influence my behavior out of fear. I really don’t want anyone to get upset with me because I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with it.
No one still knows what drove me to start cutting. It has to do with how everyone treats me. I feel more isolated now than ever. Even before I started treatment. That’s why I’m thinking of stopping treatment. No one wants anything to do with me anyways. I’m all alone and I hate it. What can I do about it though? I’m tired of making an effort so I might as well give up. It won’t be an easy things= to do, but I’ll manage. I always seem to in the end. Is this a wise move? Is there any cause for concern? Will my case worker like it when I stop working with her? At least she won’t have me to bother anymore.
I’ve been thinking about requesting my school transcript. I don’t know if I should do that because I don’t want to feel worse about myself than I already do. I’m not stupid! I just didn’t make an effort. I don’t know what was wrong with me back then up to 2 years ago. Am I finally changing?! I don’t think so, but I can dream. Now it’s time to look for a job that suits me better even though I don’t want to ask for the money to buy dress clothes. I don’t want to bother anyone. That’s why I haven’t called anyone in weeks.
I went to summer school because I was one F short of redoing 8th grade. If anyone finds out about that then they will make a case that I have Asperger’s. Even with my parents I get the same feeling as well. I’m trapped and I don’t know what to do. Is that the cause of my problems recently? Did that person have the right to tell me everything? I don’t know because in the end I’m clueless. I try so hard to be intelligent and I fail every time. What’s the point of continuing with treatment? It’s nice to know what everyone says about me behind my back. Knowing everything is just depressing.
It’s safe to say that this depression of mine isn’t going to go away anytime soon. Even on medication I still feel depressed. Is there something I’m doing wrong? I don’t know. All I know is that 2006 is coming again. The difference? I have a job and I guess that’s pretty much it. I hate feeling like this. What can I do about it though? Continue going on as everything’s fine? I don’t think I can do that. Especially since I have to make an effort. That’s not it either. It feels like I have no support. No one wants anything to do with me. Not even my case worker wants anything to do with me. I hate feeling this way!