I downloaded two apps a couple of days ago. After Sunday I’ll stop filling out my diary cards. One of the apps tracks my mood for the day and the other tracks my sleep. I can also store it on my computer so I can keep records. I did download some entertainment apps as well like hangman and chess. It has been so long since I played chess and I don’t remember anything about it. I can learn though. I’m not a complete moron.
When will I feel better? I still feel like a burden to society. I can’t do anything right. I also threw up a couple of times on my way home today. I ate at Taco Bell and my stomach hurt. After some job applications my stomach couldn’t take it anymore. I might have some good news at least. I’m feeling pretty confident about a dishwashing job. If I don’t get it then I’ll be disappointed and hate myself even more than I do now. I’m seriously considering running away. Who will miss me anyway? I feel like if I vanish then nobody will be forced to put up with me.
Things have been pretty hectic for me since the end of November. I don’t really want to go into detail because it’s something that I’m ashamed with. All I know is that I shouldn’t be here. I’m thinking that I should’ve stayed with my mom until I found a job. I can’t handle that. I don’t know where I’d be better off. I’m really unsure about my future at the moment. Nothing is going my way! Why is that? Don’t I deserve to be happy? I don’t know and that’s unsettling for me.
I’m unsure of some things. I may go for a walk and see if that will make feel any better. I’ve been feeling a little headed today so I hope that will go away as well. I’ve been living in this city for most of my life and I don’t know how I’ve put up with it for as long as I have. It feels like I have no opportunity here. Where can I go though? No one wants anything to do with me. My right thumb has been feeling sort of numb since Sunday and I want that feeling to go away.
I failed miserably at an open interview yesterday. What will it take for me to land a job!? I’m getting closer to giving up. I’m wasting my life away because all I’m good at is failing repeatedly. Nothing will get better. I wish I knew what was going on with me. I’ve been awake for 24 hours, I have no appetite, and I’m wondering around life aimlessly. I’ve been working real hard on finding a job as well, but it’s time to admit that I can’t do this on ny own. How can I ask for help though? I know I have to let go of this pride. I’m just sick and tired of relying on others though and rightfully so.
I’m upset right now. I just feel like walking out. I’ve been here for two months and I’m getting to the point that I can’t take it anymore. The sad thing is that I have nowhere to go. I could always return to my mom’s place, but I don’t trust myself there. I’ll figure this out somehow. I need to find something to keep me busy. The longer things continue the worse things will be for me. That’s the realistic way to think. The urges to cut are steadily increasing again and I’ll snap soon.
I have been questioning my actions a lot recently. I want to move on, but I just don’t know what the next step is. With the way I’ve been thinking lately it’s only a matter of time before I start cutting again. If I do restart I’ll have to keep it a secret. If anyone finds out then things will get a whole a lot worse. Is it worth the risk? It will be eventually. If I wasn’t here I’d then I would have done it a month ago. I should have done more than just pass out 2 and a half months ago. What will my future hold?