I Feel Lost

•October 13, 2014 • 4 Comments

I wish I knew what I was doing with my life.  I feel lost and I don’t know what to do.  How can I be happy?  I don’t know.  Do I even want to be happy?  I don’t think that I deserve to feel that way.  I’m not satisfied with my life at all.  I want to cut, but I can’t.  It’s frustrating.  How can I change this?  I need some time to think.  Well maybe that’s not true.  Thinking will just make me feel worse.  I need to talk to someone about this today.

What Happened

•October 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I ended up passing out after cutting.  I knew what I was going to do and I did it.  I don’t know why I let myself lose as much blood as I did.  I should’ve done more though.  That’s the regret.  Death has to be better than living like this.  It just has to be.  Now I’m stuck and that makes me even more upset at myself.  No one trusts me anymore and I deserve that.  I don’t even trust myself that much right now.  How can I keep safe while I’m here?

Back?

•October 12, 2014 • 1 Comment

I know it has been two weeks since my last post.  I got out of the hospital Thursday and didn’t feel like posting anything.  I was forced to go to a group home and I’m not happy about it.  I don’t want to be here, but at the same time I don’t want to be anywhere right now.  I can’t give up though.  I do have a future.  I just have to pretend to go along with everyone’s wishes.  I’ll get out of here eventually.  If I continue cutting then things will get a hell of a lot worse.  There is even talks of me being put in restriction which is not a good thing.  I should’ve died. 

Nothing Pushed Me to the Limit Until 8 Years Ago

•September 29, 2014 • 1 Comment

I’ve been feeling depressed since I was a child.  I was actually going to start cutting in high school, but nothing pushed me to that point.  I know what cutting has done to me.  It makes me feel ashamed and it also messes with my depression.  I want to say that I’ll never do that again, but it’s only a matter of time before I start again.  There are 2 reasons why I haven’t done it in a week.  The first is that I’m too scared to do it because I want to go deep and because of what it does to my brain.  This is an addiction that I question at times.

I Don’t Need a Father Anyways

•September 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I feel sorry for my dad.  I don’t hate him anymore.  I’m applying to what I learned in DBT towards my relationship with him.  I want him in my life, but he doesn’t want me in his.  That’s a little hurtful, but I have to understand that’s just his personality.  I have my brother anyways.  At least he’s willing to be in my life.  I accept the fact that I don’t have a father in my life.  Maybe understanding that will make me feel better.  I don’t blame him for me acting the way I do either.

I Need Time

•September 29, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I don’t know what to say.  I want to move forward, but I don’t know how.  I know living a life like this has consequences.  What does everyone want me to do about it though?  That’s what I need help understanding.  Wanting to change on its own won’t fix anything.  At least I understand something.  I feel lost and I need direction in my life, but what will provide that?  I wish I knew.  I’ll sort everything out eventually.  I just need some people to be patient with me until I figure things out on my own.

I Want to Be Accepted For Who I Am

•September 29, 2014 • 2 Comments

I wish everyone could accept me for who I am.  My sister-in-law is pushing religion on me and I don’t know if that’s for me or not.  Now don’t get me wrong.  I don’t hate religion, but I just question it.  Any atheist would.  She even gave me a bible and recommended some Christian radio stations to listen to.  She acts as if I listen to Satanist music which is something I really hate more than anything.  I do not enjoy that kind of music.  I never have and I never will.  Why is this happening now?!  Is it because everyone is just searching for ways to make me feel better about myself?

 
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