I don’t know what to do. I want to give up and let my depression control me. I have responsibilities so that’s out of the question. That 2 week absence has caused some tension between myself and the manager in charge. I’m left with 2 choices. Either get back on her good side or quit. If I do manage to find a new job that would be happy to witness. That means I will have to start over and that is one thing I don’t need. I have to do what’s best for me.
I haven’t felt like this way in a long time. I’m hopeful for my future, but at the same time I want to give up. I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does for me. I don’t want to take the hate, but In used to it. I don’t even know if I want to be happy anymore. Do I deserve it? The answer has to be yes because I have a lot of people working on my wellbeing. I should feel at ease, but I don’t. I have a lot to look out for right now.
I’m confused. I try hard to work things out, but things never go as planned. I guess all I can do is move forward. Life Is worth living. I just need to find something to keep myself occupied. Boredom controls me. I don’t understand why. I don’t like my thought process at all lately. Do I really want to die that badly? I don’t know, but then again maybe it should stay a mystery.
It’s Wednesday? What happened to Tuesday. That ativan overdose knocked me out for a day and no one noticed. Why I get people in my family treating me this? It’s pretty ovbious where I can. I learned my lesson. Nonfatal overdoses can be pretty fatal.
I don’t feel comfortable at work. My manager is question why I chose to take days off. If things continue going as they are I will quit. I don’t want to it because it’s a reckless act. One I’m not willing sacrifice. I just want to make things right. Is that asking for too much? It has to be, obviously, because no one wants me to shoot
I’m finally home. I can’t put myself through nonsense another time. I did end up punching a hole in the wall though. I guess that’s what happens when I feel trapped and angry. I don’t like that side of me because that’s the way my father would act. I hate my father because of that very reason. I want to get closer, but he scares me. I know I shouldn’t feel that way about my dad. He’s going to end up pushing everyone away and I cannot have the same happen to me.
The time is getting closet and closer. I have so much to do when I return. The first is hygiene. Shower, shave, laundry, and make sure I look neat for work tomorrow. The last thing I have to do is rip 2 cds. I just want out of here! Now it’s delayed until this afternoon. No one understands how much I want to go home. Oh well. I have plans.