I’m tired of being taken advantage of. I can’t do anything without someone getting upset with me. Everyone does this also. Is that why I’m acting the way I am? I’m just tired of being treated the way I am. I want to be happy, but at times I feel as if that’s impossible for me. I have a lot on my mind and I don’t know how to sort things out on my own anymore. I have become dependent and that alone scares me.
What am I doing with my life!? I don’t understand how I could be so unhappy. I need to do things that will bring me joy. Why? Life Is short so I might as well do things that will make me happy. That means finding the right job for me. If I even know what kind of job will even make me appreciate what I do and don’t have. I deserve to be happy. Everyone does. I want to quit my job because I don’t feel needed.
I don’t hate my father. I just hate his attitude. Why does he have to treat everyone the way he does? I can’t become like him. Why would I want to? I want to talk to him. I have to get through to him somehow. Would he be willing to listen? I doubt it. He is extremely important to me, but I hate how he always have to push everyone away. When he does change it might be too late. I don’t know if that will be true for me though. Oh well!
I made a decision. I’m not going to get treatment unless it’s necessary. My hemoglobin will go low eventually. I don’t want to wait, but this is something I have to do. There’s nothing anyone can do about anyways so I have to wait. I’m not concerned. At least not yet anyways. I’m a very patient person. I just don’t want things to get to that point and for good reason. What should I do?
I feel tired. I might just lay down the rest of the day. I have to walk to work tomorrow morning and I have to be well rested. I don’t know what to do, but I’ll figure it out sooner or later. The truth is that I’m addicted to cutting again and I know that’s why I’m feeling like I am. What should I do with my razors because I’m not strong enough to dispose of them myself. I just want this weekend to end so I can see how much working will help me.
I wish I didn’t work on Labor Day. That means I have to walk because the buses don’t run. At least it will help me with finances. I do appreciate my job. Why wouldn’t I? It gives me something to do and that’s all that matters. I do wish I had a more meaningful one though. I’ve been doing what I’ve been doing for nearly two years now. I just don’t know what I want to do for a living. There are many possibilities.
I give up. It seems like this phase is never going to come to an end because I can’t control these urges. I’ve been cutting everyday since Thursday and I’m too scared to get treated. I don’t want my caseworker to know I’m still cutting. Why do doctors have to call her whenever I visit the er? I don’t understand it, but then again maybe I do. She wants me to stop hurting myself, but once I start its difficult to stop. She needs to understand that.