I wish I fit in somewhere. It feels like I’m hated everywhere I go. I feel like a burden towards society. I just want to feel like I belonged someplace. I’m not asking for much so I’m not acting selfish. People also call me an attention. That may be true. What’s the problem with that though? Attention seeking behavior isn’t all bad. Sigh. I just wish everyone would make me feel wanted. I have so much anger inside of me right now because of recent events. I am making progress though and it’s only matter of I’ll feel like ending my life again.
It’s time to sit back and question my actions. Where would I be now if I managed to find a job when I was living with my brother? I can’t think like that though. What ifs will just make me regret my actions and that is something I don’t need. That is why I have to live for my future and not my last. I can do this! It’s not that complicated. Pessimism will just make me cut. At least I can identify my triggers. That’s a start.
I met with my case worker today. It feels nice, but I want so much more. I’m so lonely right now and loneliness makes me depressed. What do I think about when I’m depressed? You guessed it. I can’t do that though. That will just reinforce the behavior and that’s something I don’t need. What kind of consequences are there for cutting? I know the answer to that question fortunately. That’s why I have to do whatever it takes to stay safe and in control.
I got accepted into subsidized housing after being on the waiting list for over a year. I turned it down regrettably. I don’t have the money saved up and I’m in a vulnerable spot right. I still remember what has happened to me. I have severe trust issues and the thoughts of cutting is still on my mind. Have I made the right decision? I hope so because I need to do what’s best for me. I know that’s selfish, but I have to look out for my sanity.
I have a problem. Why do I keep spending my money on useless things? I have to put an end to this behavior. I wish I had the answers for that problem though. Sigh. At least I know I have a problem At least. It’s time to find a solution. I know I can do this. I just need to have faith in myself and my abilities. Changing this will be extremely difficult, but I”ll manage. I always seem to do that lately. I guess things are’nt all that bad thankfully.
Today has been great. I took care of everything I set out to do. I’m really proud of myself right now. Just the fact that I haven’t self-harmed in weeks is enough. I’m finally using what I’ve in DBT. So I guess that wasn’t a complete waste of time. Now all I have to do is throw away my blades. I know that will be difficult, but that is manageable. I’m not the same weakling I was 5 years ago.