The Worst Behind Me?

•April 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I want to push myself through this.  I don’t know if I’m capable.  It would be easy to take the easy way out.  I won’t give up on this.  I just can’t.  Something does need to change though.  How can I make those changes?  Am I capable of turning my life around before it’s too late?  I have to be!  Look at all of what I put myself through and say I’m a weak person.  I’ll feel better eventually.  At least that’s what I keep telling myself.

I Almost Had Enough

•April 21, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I’m feeling pretty bad right now.  I’m bored and I can’t shake this feeling off of me.  I thought sleep would make me feel better.  It just made me feel worse.  The truth is that I don’t know how much more of this I can take.  Death has to be better than feeling this way.  It just has to be.  Here’s hoping that work helps me.  I’m almost to the limit.  I’m willing to try anything right now.  Why do things have to be like this for me?

Boredom Causes Me Stress

•April 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I’m very bored today.  This is starting to get to me.  I don’t understand why I’m content with wasting my life away.  I really hate feeling this way.  Maybe I’ll figure out something later this week.  I don’t know how much of this I can take.  This pressure will continue to build until I make necessary changes.  How can I make the necessary changes though?  Nothing interests me right now.  I have doubts as to how to solve this critical problem.  As long as I escape this day selfharm free I’d be happy because I did end up cutting last night though.  Is that why I feel like this?

I Can’t Give Up

•April 19, 2014 • 2 Comments

I know I need to get out more.  I don’t know why I don’t.  How can I make friends when I’m constantly isolating myself?  I have so much I want to do!  I want to find a girlfriend,  but I don’t know where to begin.  This pressure will continue rising until I can’t tolerate it anymore.  I know I’ll meet someone eventually.  I haven’t completely given up.  Maybe I should try dating websites.  That’s extremely scary for me though.  Why do I have to be so shy?

Fear Kept Me Alive

•April 18, 2014 • 5 Comments

I should be dead.  It’s almost the 8th anniversary of when I almost bled to death.  I want to continue where I left off, but I’m scared.  I don’t know why death scares me now.  Especially with the fact that I’m still a cutter.  I have to bring this up to my therapist on Monday.  I have to discuss this with someone.  Will she help me cope with these thoughts?  I hope she can because I hate feeling so helpless.  I have to learn how to love myself somehow. 

How Can I Live With Myself?

•April 18, 2014 • 2 Comments

I lied directly to someone’s face today.  I told him that I had no razors even though I did.  If someone finds out about this I don’t know what will happen.  Do I deserve that?  I think I do.  I can’t feel guilty about this because I don’t need something else to worry about.  How can I learn from this?  I can start by being truthful even though that makes me uncomfortable.  I hate myself sometimes.

I Can’t Give Up

•April 18, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I really don’t know what to do.  My future is unpredictable.  I just want to give in to this depression of mine.  I can’t do that because I have to fight through.  That will be difficult, but I’ll manage.  I always seem to. I just want to feel happy for once.  I deserve that.  What will bring me joy?  I guess that gives me something to think about for today.  I know things will improve eventually.  I’m confused and lost.  I find no joy in activities I used to enjoy.


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